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by bad-unicorns
Summary: Craig Tucker is just an ordinary kind of guy.. He decides to reconnect with an old friend. Little did he know he'd end up falling in love. I mean does Craig do love? Apparently now he does. But Tweek has a secret to share with Craig. A deep secret that most of the residents of South Park wont be able to manage. You see the truth is. Tweek is a Witch.
1. Chapter 1

A:N/ Hi guys I just thought i'd write a fanfiction lol.. I'm kinda new to this so plz no flames lol.. As a huge fan of both South Park and Bewitched i thought I'd combine the two and see where it went.. It might go as bad as the Robocop movie.. Might not.. Reviews, Constructive Criticism and Ideas would be greatly appreciated.  
>I just thought randomly it might work.. Like I say pleaase no hate lol.. I'm a noob to the whole FF thing and still working it all out lol..<br>Well hope you enjoy my friends,  
>South Park belongs to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the show is the property of Comedy Central and Matt n Trey. Bewitched is the product of Sol Saks and ABC Television. All rights belong to ABC television, William Asher and the estate of Elizabeth Montgomery.<br>(If i did own those shows I would not be on this website lol) If you have any ideas, comments or probs with the fic please let me know.. I am willing to make any changes lol. Basically to give you a rundown of this fic.. It's a modern SPy re-imagining of Bewitched, with Tweek in the role of Sam and Craig as Darrin.. But let's just say South Park is way more intimidating than 1164 Morning Glory Circle! And what about the other kids? Nosy neighbours and crazy parents? Needless to say it's gonna be one hell of a ride.  
>Enjoy guys! :)<br>Sally

Craig's POV:

My name is Craig Tucker i'm 12 years old and i'm not all that interesting .. I live a pretty boring life. There isn't much to do in South Park except making prank calls, annoying the parents (Real easy by the way), hanging out at Stark's pond, or getting involved in one of Cartman's crazy schemes.  
>Needless to say the latter is an option which is completely unavoidable.. Only last week Cartman made fun of Miley Cyrus on youtube and she nearly destroyed the town with her collosall tongue and bad taste.. Luckily the government was around and as it now happens Miley is now in the state asylum. It was the day after Christmas that year that i decided to go for a walk. December 26th 2013 as i remember. I was just analying my life within my head. I suppose i've got a pretty secure family unit. My mom Tara is a housewife and cleans up after my dad's misfortune daily.. She's 36 but looks closer to 70 due to her depressing life. My dad, Thomas is an alcoholic. And I dont mean he has a few beers to drown his sorrows. Like how that guy hasn't died of alcohol poisoning yet i dont know.. My sister Ruby is a few years younger than me and she's okay I guess. Yeah she wants to marry all the One Direction boys but hey chicks are crazy right. What else coud i say about my life? I'm one of the quiet kids. I only really speak up when it's to do with someone else's misfortune. Like say if Butters fell off his chair then yeah i would probably laugh. But when Mr Garrison our crazy teacher sticks on one of his chick flicks then let's just say I sat there bored as shit. I mean i've had a pretty un-eventful life.. Yeah a few years back i discovered i was a South American deity but apart from that yeah, Not much for ol' Craig Tucker.<br>I've got some good friends I guess. Clyde, Token and Jimmy are always looking out for my best interests. Clyde is the joker of the group; all you gotta do is imagine Chandler Bing off Friends and you got Clyde in a nutshell. Token he's more of the sensible voice of reason within the group, Kinda like Kyle Broflovski but nowhere near as annoying. Jimmy, well Jimmy likes to think he's a born comedian with a real talent but yeaah- nuf said. And then there was Tweek Tweak.. Not really my friend but not really my enemy either.

He was one of those kids who sat all alone at recess and really didnt seem to give a shit. Back in 3rd and 4th grade we were kinda close.. But needless to say over time the two of us drifted. I got more interested in doing my own thing and Tweek well; I dont know what the hell he is doing right now.. He just kinda sits there and his thermos never empties.

When Chef was still alive he would give Tweek all the coffee he could drink, But now we got Mrs Johnson as our lunch lady and as I can remember her saying "Kid's drinking coffee? I blame that harlot Madonna." How the hell an old hoe from the 80s is stil relevant I dont know but yeah you catch my drift.

"Craig! Dude! Are you just gonna sit there quietly.. It's kinda awkward." Clyde interjected, disturbing me from my thoughts. "Hey C i just need a bit of time man.. Dad had a bit of a Smirnoff drinking contest and my head is still aching from the noise." I muttered without interest. "Well c-c-craig.. S-s-surely you could just t-t-talk to your old man very much." Jimmy added. "Naah guys I'm just gonna go for a walk." I yawned. I got up from the table leaving my aqquaintances sat there without a clue as to my intentions..

I was gonna go and meet Kenny McCormick and go smoke. Yeaah i'm 12 and I smoke. Who the fuck are you? George Bush?  
>Kenny was sat on the dumpster smoking his cigs, that kid seriously did not have a care in the world. "Tucker ya fucker!" He shouted, obviously taking pride in how my surname and the above obscenity rhymed. "Kenny!" I cried back, trying to seem more casual than I felt at that moment. The hoodie clad boy was obviously not too pleased to see me. "Craig you are such a pussy man." He said lamely.. Usually I would kick someone's ass for saying that; But Kenny is lucky to be immortal so there is really no point. "What? Why am I a pussy?" I said, pretending I was actually interested.<br>"Because it's pretty obvious you wanna get your dick and put it inside blondie over there." He laughed, pointing to Tweek who was talking to the fat goth chick Henrietta.  
>"Haha you're mad Ken.. Craig Tucker aint no fag." I laughed, although I knew deep down i was obsessed with Tweek. "Prove it.. Go over and talk to him.. And if you come back here with no hickeys I will seriously rest my case." He ordered.<br>Kenny can be such a temperemental prick when he wants to be. "Fine i'll go talk to him! You'll see I aint queer McCormick." I muttered. I was actually real nervous though. The last time me and Tweek talked we were both 9 years old, and now we were both nearly 13 so yeahh. 4 years can change a lot, well that's what Sharon Marsh, Stan's mom always says when she comes to my Mom's book club thing.

I made my approach slowly, I pretended I was going off to face a huge peril, sorta like that Jennifer Lawrence chick, cause i mean come on dudes she's hot! I could hear Tweek talking to those faggy goth kids as i got closer. "Y-yeah! I don't know man! I've heard it's real scary!" He gasped. "Naah dude. that movie just soo epitomizes our life." Henrietta mumbled. I was now starting to realise how freaking nervous i was.. Here was a kid I hadn't talked to for years.. "Umm hi Tweek.. You guys mind if i borrow him a minute?" I interjected into their conversation. Tweek looked up and wow. I'd forgotten how green those eyes were. "Sure you conformists can go and buy yourselves a Corvette.. fucking conformists." The smallest goth mumbled. Tweek got up and wiped the snow off the back of his jeans.. Seriously his parents need to buy him clothes that fit; like i'm sure Syrian kids have better clothes than Tweek.

"What do you want Craig? GAAH! You're not here to hit me are you?" He asked nervously. I didn't know how to reply. We came to know each other because we had numerous broken bones, Thanks to that cunt Stan Marsh of course but yeah.. I thought over what i wanted to say in my head in a Peter Griffin esque fashion.  
>"Well I was thinking maybe you could come round my house tonight?" I asked slowly. I turned my back to see that Kenny was gone; damn he's a crafty bastard i'll give him that.<br>"OHH GOD! u-uum.. Okayy so long as you promise not to kill me!" He yelled. All the other kids turned away from their activities to see our little conversation, god i swear a goat eating could interest some of the kids in this town. "I wont kill ya Tweekers.. If anything my Dad will kill you because he's such a boring fat lout." I said truthfully. "Uhh.. o-o-okayy. Well i'll be round at half seven then." He whispered. He quickly ran off not waiting for my reply.. I just sat there in the haze. Snow, dead trees and broken lives was all I could see. If this town isn't cursed then Barbara Walters is under 50 is all i can say.

A:N/ End of chapter 1! Yaay.. Sorry it was a bit too introductory but I hope it started it off Nice! Is Tweek gonna just let Craig back into his life? you'll have to read chapter two and find out lol.

Lots of love, Sally


	2. Chapter 2

A:N/ Well chapter 1 went Okk i guess. Here's chapter two to "A Bewitching Kind of Love."  
>South Park belongs to Trey and Matt + Comedy Central.<br>Bewitched belongs to the ABC Network and the estate's of Bill Asher and Liz Montgomery.  
>I dont own them so yeahh. Dont sue me lol<p>Craig's POV:<p>

So it's settled.. In about 3 hours Tweek will be coming round to my house.. I decided to skip the last 2 hours of school and go see what was happening in town.. It was quite a boring day in South Park today, well except for the fact that Kanye West decided to bring Kim K to town to prove once and for all that she wasn't a hobbit. "MY GIRL AIN'T NO GOD DAMN HOBBIT Y'ALL! Ain't that right Kimmie?" He bellowed. "Yeaah! I've screwed a hobbit but I aint no hobbit!" She replied with gusto.. I just carried on walking. Unlike Stan and his group of nincompoops I was not the sort of guy to just antagonise celebrities for a quick laugh.. "Hey you there! Kid!" I heard someone shouting.. Great the one day I skip school and i've got the guy who created the crappest MV of all time on my case. "What?" I replied.. Luckily I have the sort of voice that puts most people off me within a few seconds. But nooo "Jesus" sorry I mean Kanye West just did not get the mesage. "Kid me and Kimmie need you to tell people that she aint no hobbit! I mean girl are you a hobbit." He rambled, turning around to face his man made fiance . "Kanye honey I told you I'm not a hobbit! Just get this kid to say something on Twitter, i gotta do my makeup!" She spat. "Look you guys have a real nice day I got homework to do.. Bye." I said lamely. And I was carried on walking home I could hear the two douchebags ranting and raving at anyone who passed them by.. Kim aint no hobbit, her man cried; and his woman stood there flaunting her goods for all to see. South Park is one of those towns that just attracts craziness, unbelievable events and stupid celebrities (if you can call them that). I carried on walking down the path to my house, when who should i bump into but Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman.. God damn my day just keeps getting better haha..  
>"What's happening Craig?" Stan asked casually. "Well your mom was gonna put my dick between her boobs but yeahh.. Not much." I laughed. The three of them gave me a look of disdain and carried on walking. Which was weird because whenever Cartman had the chance to bully, antagonise or hurt someone's feelings he would usually take it.. Maybe Cartman was up all night on his computer as usual.. Not that I care what that fat sociopath gets up to; but when you're used to someone being a complete dick all the time the one time they aren't really shakes you up.<p>

I put my keys in the door and casually let myself in. "MORE JACK DANIELS YOU DUMB BITCH!" My dad bellowed. "Just give me a minute Thomas i'm still finishing your dinner!" My mom shouted back at him. "I'm gonna come in there and fucking kill you woman!" My dad threatened. I decided it would be best to just go upstairs and play on my xbox. I've seen my dad beating my mom up way too many times to wanna put up with it right now.. I stuck the xbox on and escaped into my own little dimension.. Only the graphics and the music in my headphones alleviating the cold harsh reality of home life.. I just hope to god those two kiss and make up by the time Ruby gets home, I don't like her having to listen to and hear their pointless domestic bullshit..

I was so lost in my pointless humdrum existence that I didn't hear the door knocking. "BOY! Get down here one of your friends is here!" My dad screamed up the stairs. Tweek he always managed to show up at the exact wrong time.. "I'm coming now there's no need to yell!" I replied, getting my shoes on.. No way am i letting Tweek in this house while Mom and Dad are having the crazies..  
>"Hi Cr-" He started. "Change of plan we're going to yours." I said, putting my hand over his mouth.. "GAH! Okk. w-why?" He asked. "Dude believe me let's just start walking." I interjected.<p>

It was quite a long walk to Tweek's house.. You had to go through town and then walk for another 5 minutes.. It was easy to recognise his house though. Coffee paraphinalia was all over the inside and outside of it.. Not to mention Tweek's mom was so obsessed with Elvis Presley they even had an Elvis mailbox.. I'm sure you could spot the Tweak's house from space. "O-okk we're here!GAH!" Tweek spoke up.. He put his keys in the door and let us in.. It had the aroma of one of those show homes of the early 50's.. Only the best cooking smells could be smelt as you entered the threshold.

Not at all like my house.. The only thing you could smell there was dry blood, sadness and cheap liquor. "Hiiii Craiig!" Tweek's mom greeted me in an overly exaggerated fashion throwing her arms around me.. "It's been so long since you last came to visit! Me and Richard thought maybe you and Tweek had fallen out?" She inquired..

"Nahh we're fine Sarah dont you worry." I replied.. Tweek's mom was the only adult I knew in town who would let kids refer to her by her given name..Well except for Sharon Marsh but she's a hoe and a douchebag so yeahh.

"Well okay! Isn't that great Richard?" She boomed, turning around to face Tweek's dad. "Sure honey that's great! More mocca?" He inquired. She shook her head at this request instead turning to the food she was cooking.

"Umm m-m-maybe we should just go to my room and talk.." Tweek suggested.. Damnit Craig get those thoughts out ya head! I followed him upstairs noticing since my last time here everything had been redecorated.. Not to a great result but shit it looked alright..

I sat down on his bed.. I could notice posters of numerous people who sang crappy pop music.. I'm more of a rock guy myself but hey everyone's individual...

"Look C-craig.. There's something i gotta tell you.." Tweek stated in a matter of fact fashion.

"Naah Tweek I gotta tell you something. And the truth is if i dont tell you now I'll probably never get up the guts to say it.." I interrupted.. I'd always kind of hidden from myself when we were both kids that I admired Tweek way too much. People to this day would still remark on it, saying that we made Stan and Kyle look as though they hated each other.. Not that i want to be compared to those douchebags but hey it's called an analogy so yeah..

"I think I like you.. Like like you.."I said quickly, hoping that haste would erase my words..

Tweek just sat there completely silent.. Nice one Tucker; I mean telling your friend you've got the hots for him.. Really gonna go down well..  
>"U-um.. I kinda feel the same way.." He replied quietly..<br>Wow.. Not what i was expecting but shit i'm down...

"GAH! But C-craig listen I gotta tell you this.. It's important." He said seriously..

"Okay Tweekers spit it out." I encouraged, hoping i didnt sound bored or anything..

"I-I.. I'm a Witch.." He mumbled...

"Haha! Oh my god.. yeah and my sister's Megan Fox." I laughed..

"NO C-Craig! I'm Serious! AUGH!" He snapped.

"Prove it..." I said quietly.

He snapped his fingers and just like that my trademark chullo was gone.. "Okay nice party trick Tweek.. Where's the wires?" I inquired

He snapped his fingers again and just like that my hat was back..  
>"How the fuck did you do that?" I asked feeling genuinely lost for words..<p>

"I told you! GAH! I'm a witch!" He muttered, jeez no need to be snappy Tweek.

Okay so I'm just trying to process all this right now.. My friend Tweek is a witch.. Like a voodoo practicing, ouija board interfering witch...

Only in South Park is all i can say..

A:N/ Pretty suspense filled all around eh? Will Craig be able to deal with Tweek's powers? Not to mention the rest of South Park.. 


	3. Chapter 3

A:N/ Well the cat is out of the bag so to speak... Will Craig be able to stand by his witchy companion? Things are gonna heat up that's for sure.  
>I don't own South Park or Bewitched so pleaaase dont sue me guys hehe..<br>Love,  
>Sally _<p>Craig's POV:<p>

I was trying to absorb the information i just learned.. Tweek Tweak my sort of aquaintance was in fact a mythical being.. Surely i was having some sort of dream? Like how did I not notice this? I was his best friend at one point and not once did I notice anything out of the usual.. I always thought Tweek would have trusted me enough to tell me his secret.. But hey that shows what I know. It's just kind of crazy to try and process the information that someone I thought I knew quite well is in fact a Witch.. I mean seriously i thought this sort of thing only happened in the movies.. I mean what's gonna happen next? Is South Park gonna be accosted by demons and vampires? Well enough crazy shit has happened in this town so believe me I would not count against it..

"C-craig I know this is a lot to take in-NNGH! I didn't wanna tell you and the guys because.. well just because.." Tweek mumbled.. I couldn't really think of anything to say.. I mean this is like one of those situations where your on Springer and you just found out your girl is pregnant by her cousin.. "Well.. I dont know what to say dude.." I replied with as much honesty as I could muster.. "Look C-craig.. I-i dont want this to change things.." Tweek said starting to get teary.. "Well so long as you promise not to turn me into a dung beetle I think we'll be cool." I said trying to add in a bit of humour to slightly allieviate the situation. "Wait what about your Mom and Dad? Can they just snap their fingers and make shit happen to?" I inquired, I had so many questions. It felt as though I hadn't really known Tweek all that well up until this point in time.. "They aint my real parents Craig.. AUGH! I don't have a clue who my real folks are." He muttered. That must suck a lot.. Like I dont like my folks but it gives me security to know I at least got them when times are hard.. "But dude they love you and take care of you so they practically are your mom and dad... Even if they dont have the ability to just make shit happen." I said, I tried to put some enthusiasm into my voice but I aint exactly the most expressive guy.. So yeah..

"Just shut up and kiss me." Tweek ordered. Shit Tucker you dont wanna break this kid's heart.. It was the sort of kiss that was in every movie ever made up until about 1975. The sort of rom-com kiss shared between Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston. "Wow you done this before?" I queried, wondering how he had such passion. "Well you just leave me to worry about that." He replied with a smile.. We spent the entire night discussing our lives. Wondering how for four years we managed to live apart..

"TWEEEK! Food honey!" His mom shouted up the stairs.. "COMING MOM!" Tweek shouted back..  
>We both went downstairs and had KFC. I would have enjoyed it had I not known my friend could turn me into a single cell amoeba should i place a foot wrong...<p>

There was a knock on the door just as Richard, Tweek's dad sat down. "Who on earth could that be? It's 8:30 in the damn evening!" He mumbled..  
>As the door swung ajar I could just make out the almost annorexic form of Linda Stoch, Butter's mom.. Not alot of people liked Linda, she had tried to murder her husband Chris and her son numerous times.. She was one of those women parents told their kids not to trust.. The sort of girl who broke up marriages and messed up with people's mental stability.<br>"Oh hi Richard, I just thought I'd bring my apple upside down pie!" She sang with joy.  
>"Ohh thank you very much Mrs Stoch." Mr Tweak, replied trying not to sound annoyed.<p>

Linda was a busybody, gossip and drama were one of the things she lived for. She was known as the town snitch.. It was no secret that when Randy Marsh alterted the telephone lines to get free cable that it was Linda Stotch who handed his name into the police.. Everyone in town secretly hated her.. It was no secret that Chris Stoch would make endless jokes about shooting her and burying her in Stark's Pond.. Mind you if i was married to Linda i'd probably do the same thing.

"Well thank you Richard! Hey Sarah! Well I gotta go now Butters' needs some help on his science project.. And you guys remember.. If anyone's breaking the law you let me know!" She boomed, walking out of the doorway and down the driveway..

"My god that woman is annoying." Tweek's mom piped up..

"Hey mom maybe i could turn her into a salamander?" Tweek suggested giggling..

"No way young man.. You keep your thumb and fore finger out of this." She warned, a dead sense of seriousness in her voice..

"Tweek we dont need witchcraft to solve our problems.. Just some good coffee." His dad explained.. I swear those two think coffee could solve war..

I just sat there bemused at how the three of them lived their lives. Just two ordinary people worrying about when their adoptive son might click his fingers and destroy them outright...

"Well i gotta go now guys... Mom and Dad are gonna be worried.." I spoke up, I didn't wanna go but my Dad really jerks me around if I'm home late...

All three of them got up out of their places in due politeness and then Tweek walked me to the door..  
>"GAH! C-craig I could sort your dad out." He smiled, winking his one eye at me..<p>

"Haha babe as much as i'd love you to curse my Dad, think you should leave that to me.." I laughed, trying to raise the indisgression with palpable humour..

We shared a quick peck on the lips and said our goodbyes..  
>"I'll see you later !" Tweek quickly mumbled..<p>

"Likewise sexy." I replied.

I could see he didn't like being referred to as sexy because he now had a huuuge blush on his face...  
>I waved goodbye and started on the long journey home, with only a weak mother and an asshole of a father to greet me..<p>

A:N/ So what do you guys think? Will it last? Will Craig be able to put up with Tweek's near omnipotence? And what about nosy Linda? Where does she fit into all this?  
>Reviews, Comments, Ideas and Criticism would be great.<p>

Thanks,  
>Sally <p>


	4. Chapter 4

A:N/ Well i'm real glad with how the story is going atm.. hope you guys like it too..  
>Reviews, critiscism, ideas would be great I don't own South Park or Bewitched.. If I did i would be a multi-billionaire lol<p>Love, Sally<p>

Tweek's POV:

OH MY GOD! I cant believe I told Craig! Mom and Dad have always told me to keep what I can do with my hands a secret.. It's kinda hard though.. I mean I'd ask you to try and find one kid in my situation who wouldn't use this sort of opportunity to their full advantage.. I mean I'd never think in a million years that someone like Craig Tucker would be interested in boring average little me... Only the truth is i'm not that boring or average at all.. I mean all I gotta do is click my fingers and I can be in Dubai within a millisecond.. I just feel real nervous for telling Craig about me.. What if he goes to the FBI? Oh my god they're gonna get me! Can't deal with the pressure!

I wake up as usual at 6:30AM.. It take's me about 5 minutes to get dressed. Believe me even if you've got supernatural powers buttoning shirts is still a real boner..  
>I brush my hair and summon a breakfast out of thin air... It's only in my one moment of complete alacrity that I realise my cell phone is vibrating.. I look to the caller ID and sure enough: Craig Tucker is spelt out in big bold letters.. "H-Hello?" I answer nervously.. "Hey hon, its me Craig.. How you doing?" He asks... "Uhh, I-i'm Ok I guess." I answer honestly...<p>

"Well I'm gonna come pick you up Tweekers.. I'll be about 20 minutes." He says matter of factly.. I kinda have a mini freakout because I look kind of crap right now.. And when someone is interested in you, you gotta look the part right?.. "Umm. o-okay Craig!AUGH! See you in a bit." I mumble.. I put down the phone and look in the mirror.. Dark circles, messy towy hair and my clothes are real unflattering.. I looked in a magazine at Justin Bieber... Yeah those clothes are kinda nice... I snap my opposable thumb and forefinger together and before my eyes I'm draped in Armani couture. "Niice!" I say aloud..

I decide to sort my hair out too.. I again click my fingers and before my eyes my hair looks perfectly straightened like how Wendy Testaburger and Bebe Stevens style their hair... "Haha! C-craig's gonna love this." I say aloud.. I quickly tidy up the breakfast things and put Mom's fashion magazine away.. If anyone knew I'd taken style tips from JB i would never hear the end of it. I dont wanna be compared to Bieber! He's a real nasty guy! GAH!

I hear the door knocking and I can only assume it's the noirette in question.. I open the door to see Craig standing there.. He looks slightly different.. I can smell cologne and can sense the whole making effort thing. Damn i must look real regular. "H-hi craig!" I say a little too loudly.. I should just let mortals drink coffee but hey we all need one vice.

"Well what have we got here?" He asks, a big grin on his face.

"I just thought I'd try something new.." I say with as much honesty as i can care to admit..

"Tweek you cant go to school looking like a hot 10.. Mr Garrison will have a heart attack." Craig says, which I know is true...

I'm kinda the guy Mr Garrison always references to the other kids.. One of his favourites is "Do your schoolwork children or you'll end up looking as exhausted and worn out as Tweek."

Its not that I hate Mr Garrison he's just kinda douche...

I can see what Craig mines and all i do is snap my fingers and I'm back to normal.. If you can count normal as looking as though I've been dragged through a bush..

"See! I think you look nice like that anyway." Craig says..

I copy his habit and raise my middle finger to him, something which only makes him laugh...

"Shit dude we're gonna be late for school!" Craig cries out, god have we really been talking to each other for 40 minutes?

"Tweekers we gotta run dude.. We're gonna be in detention otherwise.." He rambles, trying to catch my attention..

"C-craig take my hand.." I offer my hand out to him..

"Umm babe I like you alot but if Cartman sees us holding hands.. Nuf said." He replies dully..

I grab his hand and using my other hand I snap my fingers together, and hey presto we're stood outside school..

"Okaay.. I would have preferred to walk but your the witch guy thing." Craig says with a lack of enthusiasm...

I just wanna get to class.. I mean I might not need to know how the world works but I want to be at least somewhat intelligent..

I can just tell this week is gonna be crazy! I mean what if Obama sends his spies after me?! WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE MAN!  
>And the Me + Craig situation... I'm not even gonna go there..<p>

A:N/ Well i added a tiny bit of comedic value... Hope you guys are enjoying this story..  
>Review, Constructive Criticism and any viewer ideas would be great.<p>

BTW - Linda Stoch's nosiness could just about ruin everything? What is in the pipeline for Butters' Mom now? Read and find out

Love,  
>Sally <p>


	5. Chapter 5

A:N/ Well I'm making real good progress with this whole fic.. 5 chaps in one day.. Haha :))  
>I dont own South Park or Bewitched.. If i did I'd be living in Beverly Hills right now I thought every 3 chaps would be in the one POV...<br>Craig for 3, Tweek for 3.. If you guys disagree with this please let me know..  
>Any ideas, reviews, or criticisms would be great...<p>Tweek's POV:<p>

"Okay you retards sit the fuck down and be quiet! Teacher's got a hangover!" Mr Garrison spat.. He was always in a bad mood these days.. Ever since he joined the Church of Scientology he'd become much more aggresive...

"Okay children I asked you all to do a book report on the Virginia Andrews classic: Flowers in the Attic.. Stanley if you could please read yours out to start." Mr Garrison inquired, his slight hatred for all of us briefly ebbing...

Stan went on for about 20 minutes about all the things he claimed to have noticed in the book.. Me and Craig hadnt even read the book so I knew it was gonna be a real crappy day..

"Okay Stan thanks.. Kyle and Eric.." Garrison muttered, the boredom in his voice extemely evident.. For most of the time Kyle and Cartman were arguing.. It was always like this at least 25 minutes of the lesson was spent listening to them pass hatred between the other.. For the next hour everyone read out their book reports..

"Okay Tweek.. your turn.." Garrison remarked... I was kinda shitting myself because I knew i hadn't done it... I was trying to think of a lame enough excuse to get out of it.. I suddenly received a text on my phone... $500 to guess who it was off... 'Dont use your fingers on this douche.. he aint worth it.' Nice vote of confidence there Craig.. I aint stupid enough to use my powers in front of 30 people anyway... "Umm Mr G-G-garrison.. I forgot to do it.." I quickly mumbled...

I could see the redness on his face and neck start to envelop his whole body... "Well god damn it! Go and sit in Principal Victoria's office you fucking slacker!" Mr Garrison shouted at me..

"Hey dont talk to him like that you fucking beaner." I heard Craig spit.

"OHH! Well look children! We got ourselves a rebel! Well you two idiots can go sit in detention together! NOW GET OUT OF MY FUCKING CLASS!" He bellowed.

Why Mr Garrison decided to carry on teaching us in 6th grade I'll never know... Me and Craig walked the long way to sit outside the principal's office..

I liked Principal Victoria she always made time to make sure that I was okay and nothing was creeping me out. Craig on the other hand did everything he could to make her mad...

The secretary Mrs Stuart told us to go in. She looked bored as she was just texting someone. "Okay boys now what is this I hear about you two disrespecting Mr Garrison?" The Principal enquired..

"Principal Vic-" I began.. "Look ma'am with all due respect and worship if that asshole or anyone starts a fight with Tweek I will fucking kill them." Craig hissed..

"CRAIG TUCKER! Watch your language!" She warned.

Craig flipped her off due to habit and she covered her mouth as if she was witnessing a staunch act of religious blasphemy...

I just sat there quietly... I really needed to sort this out quickly or we would both be suspended...  
>When both of them were too busy arguing I snapped my fingers..<p>

"What are you two boys doing in here? I didn't know you were in trouble.. Go back to class I'm very busy." The principal suddenly blurted...

"Umm shit.. Okay?" Craig sounded dumbfounded...

We both walked out of there and Craig pulled me into the janitor's office. Ohh shit he's gonna rape me! HELP ME JESUS!

"You shouldn't have done that dude... I can fix my own problems... I dont wanna have to worry about you snapping your fingers each time i screw up.. I mean you shouldnt be playing god." He sounded real serious and annoyed..

"GAH! I can't help how God made me man!" I yelped..

"Yeah you can Tweekers.. Keep those fingers behind your back or I will give you a spanking." He warned, laughing as he cut his sentence off..

Haha Craig fairplay to him he is a one...

We both walked back into class and Mr Garrison welcomed us as though we were part of his extended family...

"Ohh you boys come in and sit down!" He insisted, his crazy happiness eluding everyone else in the rooom..

"Do you think Tweek is giving Mr Garrison a blowjob? He is never that nice to us." Cartman mumbled...

"Shut up fatboy.. You can never just be quiet and not abuse people can you?" Kyle spat, his hatred for the fatass clearly evident.. Every pore and line of his face was etched with pure hatred...

"Ohh fuck you Kahl! You're people killed Jesus!" Cartman screamed..  
>"GOD DAMN YOU CARTMAN!" Kyle yelled...<p>

And just like that they were both fighting with a vicious bloodlust.. Seriously this is what we have to put up with everyday..

"Jesus christ.." Stan face palmed...

"Okay children you guys sit down I'm gonna go get Mr Mackey.." Garrison announced very matter-of factly...

I really wanted to snap my fingers and just stop them fighting.. But i wouldnt deny the class some form of amusement...

I just sat there going over my life... In less than a week I had got a boyfriend, I'd seen a former Disney Star institutionalised and yet again I witnessed the whole town go under a psychotic phase of worry and god fearing paranoia...

Gotta say I sure hate living in South Park

A:N/ So once again Tweek has insured true hilarity...What is in store for the boys and the town in general? Find out in the next chapter

Love, Sally 


	6. Chapter 6

A:N/ Just another crazy day at school ;P Guess it helps when your a witch

As i always say, reviews, constructive criticism and any ideas you guys would like me to work in would be really appreciated South Park is the property of Matt Stone and Trey Parker-  
>Bewitched is owned by ABC television network.<br>I do not own either of said properties nor am i making any profit Enjoy

Tweek's POV:

After Mr Mackey, our school counsellor finally managed to seperate Kyle and Cartman we started to get on with our math work.. Our at least Mr Herbert Garrison's fucked up idea of math...

"Okay children... So if Lindsay Lohan is at a party with five guys and only 2 condoms how many guys are gonna bone her?" Mr Garrison asked as though that was the most normal and reasonable question of all time..

"Uhh gee teacher... Umm couldnt she just do it without a condom?" Butters asked meekly..

"GOD DAMN IT NO! When i was a woman do you know how many times I almost got pregnant! I mean my god i surely have 5 STI's by now!" Garrison cried with a mixture of glee and disgust.

"Uhh gee sorry then." Butters replied.. I felt sorry for him not only was he constantly picked on but both his parents were completly wacko..

Stan raised his hand.. Another reason why Craig didnt like him.. Stan wanted to be the best. That was evident if you had eagle eyes, Unlike me and Craig he always got his work done and seemed to genuinely care about what was going on in the classroom. Much to Eric Cartman's chagrin I shall add..

"Sure Stan.. What's your answer." Garrison replied with a chuckle, watching a kid fail was one of Mr Garrison's greatest pleasures.. Needless to say the dude had a lot of fucked up pleasures and ideas about the world...

"Well i dont know much about sex.. But i'm guessing she could only do the two guys.. causes there is two condoms.. Like my dad always said you should change it everyday.." Stan pointed out. A lot of people were digesting this information.. Including myself.. Eww i hate the idea of sex.. Just ew ew ew ew ew...

"Well god damnit children! We got an ethicist in the house!" Garrison yelled. The look on his face was one all of us had seen many times before.. The look of pure comtempt and hatred mixed with a dark malice..

"Damn Stanley.. I'm 45 years old and I aint never used a condom! It was a trick question children.. I'm giving you all an F!" Garrison came out with this like discussing your sex life was something that was usually talked about in polite conversation..

"What a fucking douchebag!" Kenny muffled underneath his hood.

"But wait Mr Garrison.. you just put the weight of god on Butters? It aint really a trick question your just being an asshole." Clyde remarked..

"Clyde if you wanna be a fucking smart ass go work for the FOX network." Garrison spat..

Suddenly we heard the bell ring for recess.. Thank god is all i can say...

"Okay you assholes get the hell out of here!" Garrison demanded, reaching into his desk for his nourishment... Mr Garrison could never be seen without at least one bottle of gin on his person.

Me and Craig walked to the other end of the yard.. Not alot of people sat here.. Except for the goth kids who i occasionaly talk to.. They are way too caught up in being non comformist to care much else about what other people are talking about..

"GAH! Mr Garrison is crazy!" I found myself yelling..

"Crazy aint the word for that nutjob." Craig added, getting a ciggarette out of his pants pocket...

Why people smoke I will never know... I quickly decided to de-materialise said cancer stick...

"Okay Tweekers that aint funny man.. I need a smoke." He looked real pissed off.  
>"It's bad for your health! GAH! What if you die?! What will I do! If you wanna be self destructive do it when I'm not around!" I replied, i sounded kinda squeaky but he reduces me to paranoia.<p>

Craig just sat there with a wide grin on his face.. "Well at least let me have some of your coffee.. that asshole makes me wanna do a Futurama and just sleep for a thousand years." Craig mumbled, his usual wit notwithstanding..

"Haha! We both know that's not gonna happen." I replied honestly...

The rest of the day went quite quickly by my account. Mr Garrison carried on with his surreal banal nonsense.. I guess some people just wanna hold onto to certain ideals... I mean I know that better than anyone.. My mom has drilled into my head for years that nobody could know my secret... Especially not in South Park.. This is the sort of town where the morals, ideals and practices are still trapped firmly within the 19th century... I mean they dont call this place a cray hick town for nothing...

At lunch I sat with Craig, Clyde, Token and Jimmy.. They all thought it was kinda weird i was back in the gang all of a sudden. As I can remember mine and Craig's friendship did not end amicably all those years ago.. We just grew apart and the certain things that make you hold onto your friends just kinda dissapear.. Until the moment comes when they are just that person in the corridor.. Just that person you might be friends with on Facebook but have a real poor relationship with in real life... I dont know I guess im glad me and Craig have re-connected..I mean he says he's in love with me? I dont know what to think about that.. I've never been interested in girls or boys.. I've just wanted to seem as normal and average as everyone else.. But my addiction to caffeine does not help that whatsoever...

"Soooo Tweek... Long time no see." Clyde broke the silence at last, albeit while his mouth was full of tacos but hey he's a funny guy so I'll let him have it..

"Yeah we thought you two would never end up talking again." Token added.. He was one of those people.. He never missed a thing, one of those people of great insight and intuition.

"I-i t-t-think it's good.. I mean it's great to see you guys too.. Again." I added for lack of a better word

Craig just sat there with no plain expression on his face.. He was one of those people who would get you all psyched and then at the last minute let you know he appreciated your existence.. He added lamely "Yeah i'm glad Tweek's back with us guys too.".. I appreciated his kindness and sensibilities but I can speak for myself.

Then all of a sudden the icebreaker came in a 200lb form.. Eric Cartman, looking for his daily kicks.. Cartman could not survive one day without making Kyle Broflovski and one other person feel his wrath..

"Sooo all you faggots are back together! Aaw shame! Thought Tweek over here would end up on welfare selling crack like Kenny's mom!" Cartman giggled, his evil smile present.

"Ohh fuck off Eric! Stop being such a d- Stop being such a d-" Jimmy struggled to get his words off.

"Stop being such a what? You wanna pick a fight bitch?" Cartman retaliated..

I could see a hideous situation developing.. I was tempted to just click my fingers and send Cartman to Alaska for a week but i held my ground..

"Eric! Eric!" Butters called.. For some reason Butters had been accepted as the 5th member of Stan's gang. Which was weird considering they openly hated him and treated him like crap.

"Leave me alone Butters you black asshole! I'm busy!" Cartman huffed, you could see the veins on his forehead standing out..

"But Eric! You're moms on the phone! She said you forgot to put away your cardboard cutout of One Direction and it melted in the yard!" Butters cried..

Cartman stood there silent.. Aware his street cred had just dropped a few metres down the scale.. Full pandamonium took hold as soon as the girls started laughing.

"I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU BUTTERS!" Cartman screamed...

"OHH HAMBURGERS!" Butters cried, running for his life at lightning speed...

"What goes around comes back around I guess." Craig sighed...

"Haha yeah true that." Clyde added.

I just sat there trying to go over the whole thing... Needless to say I was the only one who was even paying attention to Cartman on our table but still..

"Ha! Eric got what's coming to him!" I heard Wendy shout with glee from her table. "You go girl!" Her friends cried, clapping her friends..

Stan, Kyle and Kenny went over to their table to share in the delight of Cartman's misfortune...

I just knew that no matter what happened in this town, no matter how extreme that I could never just be myself.. People dont really tend to like witches. Especially gay witches...

I just dont know what to do! OBAMA IS GONNA SEND ME TO GUANTANAMO MAN!

"Tweek!" Craig shouted, distracting me from my internal dillema...

"What! GAH!" I squeaked...

"Get your shit together.. We got another 2 hours with Mr Garrison." He said matter of factly...

Yaaay Mr Garrison! I really wanna shout with joy from the rooftops...

A:N/ Well at least Cartman got some just desserts eh? Any ideas, reviews, or criticism would be appreciated

Love,  
>Sally <p>


	7. Chapter 7

A:N/ Well after dealing with Cartman's crap i would definitely teleport him somewhere :P Enjoyy

Craig's POV:

When school was finished I decided I'd bring Tweek back round to my house.. It seemed like a good thing to do seeing as Dad wanted to go visit Grandma in Detroit... Sometimes I wish they cared enough to hire a babysitter or just take me with them... But what are you gonna do?

"S-so what are we gonna do tonight?" Tweek asked me tenatively...

"Shit i dont know man... I got basic cable so we should be alright.." I replied, i tried to sound slightly happy.. I mean I have no clue how to impress him. While everyone else was busy getting a chick in school I was watching TV and playing on my xbox... Like maybe I should ask Stan Marsh for advice.. I hate that asshole but he must know a few things about how to impress a girl..

Yeah but Tweek aint a girl Craig you dumb shit... I am really screwed lol.. Not to mention the fact if i accidentally upset him he could go crazy and assume the gnomes are doing a conspiracy, or on the upside he could turn me into a pile of dog poop.

"C-craig you're really quiet... are you okay?" Tweek asked, his big green eyes looking straight at me... I didn't really know what to say to break the ice...  
>"Sure dude im cool, just wanna get home like." I said, i tried walking faster to try and combat any awkwardness..<p>

"Well I could just zap us there? Saves the walk?" Tweek suggested, those big eyes filled with mischief...

"Hey I told you man..No hocus pocus.." I replied, I hoped maybe i'd restored some of his sensibilities...

"Well screw you man! AUGH! I'm going there.. I'll meet you there haha." He giggled. And just like that he dissapeared... Real annoying considering I gotta walk for an extra half mile..

"I'm warning you Cartman! If you carry on with this Anti-Semitic rubbish I'm gonna kick your ass!" Kyle yelled, I could just see them ahead of me...

"Ohh real good Kahl! You're soo gonna kick my ass.. Dumb fucking Jew!" Cartman retaliated, every syllable flaming with anger...

"Cartman leave Kyle alone... Why dont you go play with your One Direction poster? Ohh shit yeah its melted.." Kenny giggled.

"EY! Butters is a lying asshole you guys!" Cartman protested...

"Fatass we heard your mom talking on the phone." Stan laughed.

I decided to slow my walking speed, being caught in one of those guys' conversations could last for a month if you weren't careful...

The seconds passed by and before I knew it they took the next turning and again I was at peace...

As I passed Wendy Testaburgers' house I could see Butters hiding the bushes..  
>"Shit Butters what are you doing man?" I asked, trying to see what was going on..<p>

"Oh gee hi Craig.. I'm just hiding out here tonight.. Eric is gonna holler at me If he catches me." Butters quickly mumbled, sounding real nervous...

"Look dude just go home your mom's mouth is like an open cave, Cartman wont get away with shit." I replied, I'm sure he could tell I was annoyed..

"Umm well gee if you think that's for the best... Thanks dude." He looked at me with a big smile and started walking off in the opposite direction..

I carried on walking for what seemed like an age... When you realise your other half is a witch and can just teleport to your house you realise how long you gotta walk...

"Damnit Tweek.. I said I didn't agree I didnt say dont take me with you.." I thought aloud...

Then after what seemed like a week of walking there it was.. My crappy little shack of a house... I mean yeah it was better than Kenny's house but it still sucked.

As I walked in Tweek was sat on my part of the sofa watching the MTV News, he looked quite smug I had to walk all that way..

"You're fucking unbelievable dude." I muttered

"Well sorry I just didn't feel like walking." He said with a sigh...

"What about when we went hiking in 3rd grade? You could have just zapped us to the top.. You enjoy watching people suffer man its creepy." I replied, slightly joking around.. It was funny to watch Tweek have one of his panic attacks. I like a boring life but hell I can deal with everything that comes with him.

"I'M NOT A SERIAL KILLER! AUGH!" He yelled.

"Dude i'm fucking with ya! Let's have a look whats on CBS. I'm gonna go make some poptarts." I said.

"No need." Tweek said sweetly.. And just like that he snapped his fingers and on the table was a plate of poptarts...

"Okay Harry Potter no need to brag." I mumbled..  
>He just giggled and picked a few up off the plate..<p>

Just then I heard the door knocking.. And who else was stood at the door but Linda Fucking Stoch...

"Ohh Hi Craig! Are your parents home? I was awfully woried." She cooed...

"No Mrs Stoch their actually in Fresno right now baking meth.. Would you like some of the stuff?" I seethed.

I could see the alarm start to rise on her face. "OHH MY GOD! CHRIS! CHRIS!" She screamed running away from me like I had the bubonic plague.

I saw her running down the street towards her house at lightning speed... It was real funny watching a nosy bitch like her get all ruffled up..

"Your sarcasm knows no b-bounds." Tweek laughed..

"Haha get used to it man.. I'm a real comedian." I said, trying to sound plaintive yet joyful..

The rest of the evening was quite a bore.. Watching Tweek making whimsical yet dull things happen with the furniture.. At one point the couches starting fighting and the TV tried to kill me.. All very crazy and not so usual...

"Oh my god that was hillarious! haha." Tweek just sat on the floor giggling till he was red in the face..

"What so attempted murder is a national laughing stock right now? The TV tried to electrocute me Tweekers." I replied, I tried to sound serious and like I was pissed off, but thats hard when your as stoic and closed off as I am..

"Oh my god please! I'm gonna pee myself!" He wheezed, his amusement clear to anyone...

And then again more hammering at the door... I looked out the window to see Chris and Linda Stoch stood outside with faces like a slapped ass..

"Ahh hello Mr and Mrs Stoch.. Anything I can do to help?" I asked, being as polite as possible. Which is hard when your talking to two nutters.

"Well hello Craig.. My wife said you had quite a bit of methamphetamines in the house?" Chris inquired, his boredom with his wife ridiciulously evident.

"Umm no.. I didnt say that.. Not that I remember anyway.." I lied.. Ha it was funny watching her go all psycho.. No wonder Butters is so fucked up..

"CHRIS I'M TELLING YOU! HIS MOTHER AND FATHER ARE DRUG DEALERS! AND A PLATE OF POPTARTS JUST APPEARED ON THE TABLE!" Linda yelled, trying to convince her husband of her altrution.

"I'm not mad Chris! Please believe me!" She begged.. The look on her face was that of someone desperate, someone so convinced of their blue blood American ideals that they would shit face anyone who didnt agree...

"Come on honey, it's time to go home you need your medication." Her husband replied, placing his face into his palms...

"DONT LET OUR SON PLAY WITH THOSE BOYS CHRIS! THEY ARE DEVILS! BOTH DEVILS!" She screeched...  
>And just like that they were walking away arguing over who saw what, what was true scientific fact and what was made up bullshit...<p>

I closed the door and sat down on the couch, nothing good was on TV. I suppose if you like Teen Mom or Staying Stupid with the Karkrashians then it would be a field day for all...  
>Tweek seemed to be enjoying it though, watching the Kardashian sisters discuss how they wanted their house decorated... How people can watch this shit and maintain a normal IQ I will never know...<p>

"Oh my gaaawd! I am loving this drapery scheeme!" Kim blared out of the TV, her whiny Californian accent raping my ears.. How can people seriously enjoy watching this? I bet $10,000 that people secretly hate those people and watch the show just to envy them..

"That bitch was only in town the other day.. Seriously.. Where the hell are Stan Marsh and those douchebags when ya need em." I muttered, my boredom evident...

"Well if you like... I-i could turn Kim Kardashian into a horse?" Tweek asked, obviously thinking this was a do-able option...

"Nooo way man! Last thing we need in this town is a Kardashian war! I've only just got over Miley Cyrus trying to kill the Mayor." I plaintively replied..

Speaking of Miley Cyrus there was a sudden breaking news title flashing across the screen..

"Tom I'm stood here in South Park, Colorado as one of America's biggest party princesses is being taken out of the local mental hospital.. In a few minutes I will be granted the honour of an interview with the former Hannah Montana Star." The newsguy blared.. Great, people in this town just never learn..

Miley Cyrus free? Wow that's like bring Adolf Hitler back to life.. I'm sure Cartman would be greatly pleased with both and or either of those possibilities...

All I can say is this'll never be a quiet town.. Not as long as celebrities keep coming to trash it

A:N/ DUN DUN DUN! Miley is free y'all! What happens when America's favourite stoner gets out of hospital and has to avoid court by going to school with our favourite group of boys? Find out in the next chapter!

Love, Sally 


	8. Chapter 8

A:N/ So Miley Cyrus is free.. And she has to do communtiy service at South Park Elementary.. How is all this gonna go? Is a romance going to blossom between Miley and Mr Garrison Stay tuned and find out...  
>I dont own Bewitched or South Park..<br>Miley Cyrus is the property of Tish and Billy Ray.  
>Enjoy-<p>Craig's POV:<p>

Me and Tweek turned the TV up to see what was going to happen. First people were talking about the war in the east and how Obamacare sucked. Then something was on about Amanda Bynes trying to shoot a cop or something...

"And now Tom I am stood outside Greeley Asylum.. Ms Cyrus should be here within moments to discuss her case with us live!" The newsman boomed, obviously glad that this was happening. Nothing better than a career break than taking to one of the biggest hellraisers of all time...

"OH MY GOD! Here she is! Miss Cyrus! Miley! MILEY OVER HERE!" The newsman shouted.. "Oh my god hey y'all!" Miley cried, sticking her tongue out for the camera..

"Miley would you like to discuss your case with Fox News?" He asked clearly exasperated to be covering the story.. Miley was sticking her tongue out every few seconds, making her tufty bottle blonde hair bounce around..

"Oh my god I'm just so glad Daddy and my Smilers posted my bail y'all! And next year I'm going on my Bangerz tour so look out America!" She cried, flipping the bird down the TV at us.. Dumb bitch thats my thing. Hope i never bump into Miley Cyrus as I would love to give her a piece of my mind..

"So Miley is it true your having an affair with Justin Bieber?" The newsman pandered, trying to get any information from the singer..

"I'm Don Stuart, Miley's attorney she isn't going to be answering any more questions right now." A big black guy interrupted, putting his hand between Cyrus and the news guy...

"All I'm gonna reveal right now is that Miley is going to be communtiy service with the 6th graders at South Park Elementary as payment for her vandalism dispute." He continued...

"Oh my god really.." I said aloud.. Great, What's better than having a young girl who twerks on everyone assisting in the class?

"I am so happy to be working with young kids! They made me famous a few years ago!" Miley cried with glee..

"Okay back to you Tom, as you can see Miss Miley Cyrus is completely out of control.. Let's hope those 6th graders have a lot of patience." The newsguy rambled.

I was sat there just watching Tweek making my dad's ashtray float in mid air.. He would be real good fun on a long haul flight is all I can say...

"Sooo Tweekers, I'm real bored what you wanna do?" I asked, though I wish I hadn't.. It's like asking Pandora to open the box and unleash chaos...

"Well I was thinking sunbathing in Dubai?" Tweek suggested, his big grin taking over his whole face...

"Sorry babe I'm kinda broke..." I began, then I realised I was talking to someone who could destroy life as we know it with a click of his fingers...

"Sunbathing in Dubai... Sounds coool." I said with a sigh.. Well its not often you get to go to the Middle East without things kicking off...

Tweek offered me his hand and before I knew it we were stood in the middle of a blistering desert... Dubai.. Right..

"Umm where's the huge towers and palm tree islands?" I inquired.. I was starting to think Tweek was up to his old tricks, I wouldnt put it past him...

Before I could blink a coffee table and two sun loungers appeared out of nowhere.. Well gotta give the kid some credit he's good at what he does...

"Let's just sit and enjoy the sunrise." Tweek said, a pair of sunglasses appeared in his hands and he put them on.. Before I could say anything he handed me a pair.. Albeit they had a leopard pattern on them but we're alone in the desert soo yeah...

Time can pass really quickly in the abyss.. We watched two sandstorms and some guys going by on camels, clearly bewildered as to why two western kids were just sat in the middle of the desert.. They mumbled something in Arabic and carried on with their journey...

Me and Tweek embraced and had a bit of a makeout session. Not many people can say they made out with someone in the middle of the desert.. Unless you live in New Mexico I guess.

"Sooo can we go home now? Red Racer should be on soon?" I inquired, He knew how much I loved that show...

"Ohh C-craig! Fine!" He huffed, he clicked his fingers and we were back in my living room before i could recite the alphabet... I dont know if I can keep up with this kid. God Help the person who wrongs Tweek cause I am shit scared of the stuff he can do with his fingers..

But I still care about him alot, I mean I'd be a complete butthole if I didn't... I aint reducing myself to Eric Cartman level because Tweek can summon up a bunch of shit out of mid air...

Life is hard but I suppose you just gotta adapt.. Just like how I gotta adapt to the crazy shit Tweek can do with his imagination and his right hand...

A:N/ So Miley Cyrus is gonna be a teaching assistant? Lets see if she can teach the boys more than controversy and booty popping Any ideas, suggestions, criticism, reviews would be great I'm super willing to accept anyones ideas and write them into the fic

Lots of love for my fans, Sally xxx 3 


	9. Chapter 9

A:N/ Here we gooo! Let's let Miley loose on South Park Elementary...  
>South Park Belongs to Matt and Trey Bewitched belongs to the family and estate of William Asher and Elizabeth Montgomery and ABC TV.<br>Miley Cyrus's songs, image and promotion is the product of RCA Records...  
>I'm not being paid for this story<p>Craig's POV:<p>

Monday morning, probably the most horrible things of all time.. I wish there was a day before Monday.. Mind you i'd probably just have to ask Tweek and maybe he could invent a new day... My parents came home from Detroit last night, Dad was going on about how Mom needed to buy him drink.. I mean Michigan isnt a dry state so why he waited all that time to have a drink I dont know... Why them two are still even married I dont know... All I know is my life is boring yet slightly weird, on the upside I'm dating the real life version of Sabrina the Teenage Witch; although Tweek is waay hotter than Melissa Joan Hart... Come to think of it like most of the world is hotter than Melissa Joan Hart...

"CRAIG! GET UP FOR SCHOOL!" Mom screamed up the stairs. I got out of bed and started my morning routine of getting ready... I brushed my teeth and got all my clothes on and packed my bag... I now have the unusual habit of checking behind my shoulders everywhere I go... Tweek has the habit of scaring me half to death by just appearing behind me at random intervals.. Well at least we dont have a dull relationship...

Dad was already wasted at 8:40 in the morning.. "Booy! Get over here!" He demanded... "What the fuck you want?" I asked, clearly showing my disdain... "I know your up to something boy! I know your selling my liquor for profit!" He shouted, accusing me of something I know I didnt do... Nobody I knew drank except for Kenny. And he was not one for whiskey, I mean Token's party last year proved that.. He was puking his guts out until he eventually died, of course we all saw him the next morning.. It had now become a regular thing for Kenny to take out his Glock and shoot himself in the head whenever he got bored.. Sure it was a gruesome and vile display but this is South Park not Los Angeles.

It took me quite a while to walk to school, Tweek was saying goodbye to his mom. Which was weird because we both either usually walked to school or he would zap us both there.. Having a bit of a break from both those options was strangely quite comforting.. We both greeted each other and had a quick kiss while nobody was looking...

"How was your night honey?" Tweek asked, his big emerald eyes gleaming at me.. Damn i get butterflies in my stomach everytime he looks me right in the eye.. Must be one of his voodoo powers or something.. Anyway focus Craig! Hot 10 talking to you right now!

"Umm it was cool I guess what about you?" I asked, knowing that he'd surely come out with something like he turned his Mom into a cat for a laugh...

"I was just watching TV to be honest... I mean a cool documentary was on so i thought yeaah why not.." He replied, he sound bored with a tinge of uncertainty...

"I'm glad you haven't been flying around on that broomstick Tweekers." I giggled, I loved making him mad it was really funny...

"Umm for your information Tucker I dont own a broomstick. Asshole." He fumed, He looked real pissed off so I thought I better remedy the situation... Being an insect for eternity aint for Craig Tucker I know that much..

"Babe I'm having a laugh with you... Come on let's just get to class..." I replied.. He seemed to have calmed down and we were both on neutral ground...

Mr Garrison looked quite tipsy, he wasnt shouting at anyone so the gin was taking hold.. "Okaay class *hic*, I'm gonna need you assholes to behave.. We got that dumb whore Miley Cyrus coming here today to do her communtiy service." He announced.

All the girls except for Wendy screamed with excitement. "OHH MY GOD MILEY CYRUS! AAAAAAAH!" They screamed..

"Guys it was on the news.. it aint exactly new information." Wendy pointed out, her maturity once again being ignored by her peers.. Wendy was a moralist and all her friends cared about fashion, culture and makeup too much to take her seriously...

"Ohh shut up Wendy! It's Miley Cyrus!" Bebe squealed.. She tossed her blonde hair over her shoulder and started clapping her hands.

And just like that there she was.. "You can leave me here Don... I'll be fine y'all." She said to her bodyguard, removing her black wig shades and trenchcoat as she did...

"You sure ma'am? These rednecks are rather touchy.." Her assistant said with a worried look on his face.. He must have real bad heart trouble working for such a crazy chick...

"Hon just go or I'm firing you y'all." Miley said taking on a authorative tone...

"Later MC." Her bodyguard smiled, slapping her a high five as he went...

"Oh my god! Miley I'm your biggest fan!" All the girls screamed at once.. Wendy looked real pissed off. I could tell she hated Miley Cyrus with every inch of her being..

"You guys have you not learned anything? Paris Hilton nearly destroyed this town! If it wasnt for Mr Slave we'd all have AIDS!" Wendy protested...

"Ohh i see we have a non smiler.. It's okay honey just sit at the back and shut up." Miley barked, her freakish white teeth gleaming.. If you had eagle eyes you could see the lips were stained with the same red wax attached to her lips..

"Mr Garson you can sit at the back.. I know how to work with kids." She continued, looking Garrison up and down as though he was a piece of shit on the back of her shoe...

"Oh my god Miss Cyrus! Can I please sit by you! It's Mr Garrison by the way AND ALSO AND I WANT AN AUTOGRAPH!" Garrison whined, he tried clawing up Miley's leg desperate for her attention...

"Get the fuck off me you weirdo or i'll have you extradited!" She squealed, frantically trying to push Garrison off her.. Wow and they say celebrities are good charitable people...

Garrison finally decided to retreat to the back of the class... Apparently he'd have to talk to his 'idol' later...

"Okay kids y'all.. Today we're gonna learn how to really annoy MTV and how to twerk on a guy who's more than twice your age." Miley beamed, her perfect Disney smile making anyone who had yellow teeth die of jealousy..

"I'm sorry but this is unbelievable.. Miss Cyrus you should be really ashamed." Wendy once again decided to voice her opinions.. Miley Cyrus then stood completely still. Her tongue firmly stuck in her mouth.. Not a good sign... Mr Mackey who was walking by quickly added "No need to be jelly Wendy.".

"Honey I had more money than all this town put together when I was your age.. If you dont agree with my career shut the fuck up and leave me alone!" Miley shouted.. Wendy was sat there almost shitting herself from the force of the war cry...

Miley went on for another hour about how important it was to slap your makeup on, adopt a very androgynous haircut and be a complete slut in your music videos.. Butters, Stan, Kyle and Kenny were just staring at her boobs so she was obviously doing her job real well..

"Oh and another thing girls.. Make sure to keep a joint in your purse.. You never know when you might need it." She added, although it was the most normal thing in the world...

"Miley? Miley?" A man inquired, He had very thick 90s style eyeglasses and appeared to be very pissed about something..

"Yeah I am she.." The twerking popstar replied.. The man went down his sheet until he reached her name...

"Ok your communtiy service is done for today Ms Cyrus.. Your father is on the phone about your latest music video.." The man mumbled, his hatred for his job evident.

"OH MY GOD! HAND ME MY CELL!" She screamed.. She looked real pissed off.. All I can say is Hannah Montana is turning in her grave.

"DADDY WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS! THE WRECKING BALL SYMBOLISES MY FREEDOM AS A WOMAN!" She yelled into the phone.. She started to walk out of the room, casually stealing Mr Garrison's gin as she went..

"That Tennesee hoe just stole my booze!" Garrison cried.. Garrison broke down in tears over his lost bottle. His extreme display of sadness was one of the few highlights of the school day...

"DAMN DISNEY! MAKING PEOPLE ACT ALL UPTIGHT!" Garrison bellowed... He punched the blackboard a few times and left the room...

"Jesus christ dude.." Stan sighed, putting his head in his hands...

"Sooo Twerky Virus she's quite fun huh?" Cartman added...

The girls except for Wendy gave Cartman a look that spelt death and despair for smack talking their idol... Just another regular day at schooll...

At Lunch everyone was talking about the exploits of the former Disney star...

"Well gee fellas I heard Miley Cyrus can smoke an entire marijuana ciggarette.. My dad said so." Butters exclaimed, he looked pleased he knew this information.. Damn that kid is nearly as nosey as his mother...

"I heard she has sex with like 25 different guys a day." Kenny added...

"I heard you guys are all fags who are obsessed with a hasbeen hoe." Cartman giggled, glad to get one evil remark in there.

Kyle strangely didnt rise to the bait and lunch was pretty normal for once... All I can say is I can't be doing with Miley Cyrus teaching our lesons. We're gonna leave here with a bunch of STD's and only 25 bucks to show for it...

Tweek was pretty quiet obviously still taking in the whole Miley as a Teacher scenario... To be quite honest i was in the same boat because that girl just blew my mind...

I could just imagine Tweek turning her into a raccoon or something, that would be epic...

A:N/ Hey Miley leave them kids alone! Looks like Miley's really done it now... Sheila Broflovski is gonna be the one woman who can stand in the way of the crazed singer.  
>Reviews, Comments, Criticism, Ideas - all would be appreciated<p>

Love,  
>Sally <p>


	10. Chapter 10

A:N/ All I can say is if my teacher was Miley Cyrus I wouldnt mind.. Guess the South Park Kids are just tough customers...  
>I dont own South Park, Bewitched Or Miley Cyrus...<br>If I did my life would be pretty awesome...

Tweek's POV:

OH MY GOD! WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE! I cant deal with Miley Cyrus's antics! And we got her teaching us again in 2 days! I mean Mr Garrison is bad with his views on women but all I can say is the Disney chick just sends feminisim to about 1632... Not to mention she looks like a boy with that haircut... All the guys are completely obsessed with her to the point that I may assume like me she may be a witch... I might not know my real parents or anyone else with this ability i've got but people have wrote about witches since the time of cavemen so I am surely not the only one... All I can say is I have a bit of competition because I know Craig was looking at her... Well no bitch from Hollywood is gonna steal my man...

I mean I sound like Wendy over Stan right now but i cant help it.. Craig might just be another mortal but I care about him... I dont care that he aint got the gift like he is seriously the one for me... And I'm not letting some cheap white trash bitch like Miley freaking Cyrus take him from me... I just feel so insecure and its crazy! It's worse than when Butters' Mom spies on me through my windows! SHE'S WORKING FOR THE FBI! GAH!

"Tweek! Dude I'm speaking to you!" Clyde whined, tapping my arm... I was brought back to the present world out of my thoughts quite rudely but like i've stated, I dont hold it against people.. "Sorry!GAH! I'm just thinking!" I quickly muttered.. Great! I need to slow down and people might actually respect me.. But when your hiding two secrets and you've got an over-active mind its hard to appear completely normal.. "Well what are you thinking about?" Clyde asked, his countless curiosity and enthusiasm once again getting the better of him...

"Clyde why dont you just mind your own fucking business." Craig quickly spat... Wow okay. I dont really need someone being that controlling over my life...  
>"C-craig it's fine! Chill the fuck out man!" I replied with gritted teeth...<p>

"Seriously Craig? Who got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?" Clyde giggled, he loved getting on people's nerves he was sort of like the resident Bart Simpson of sorts.

"I've been listening to some white trash from Nashville trying to corrupt the world for 2 hours dude.. I need some peace and quiet." Craig muttered, the disdain clearly present on his otherwise emotionless face.

I wish i had a spell that could cheer him up but hey I aint Jesus.. And Jesus would probably want my sort burned at the stake so i'm rather glad...

"Miley is a real jerk dude.. but dont take it out on Clyde man.. You know how intrigued he is about everything." Token added, He didnt like people taking advantage of Clyde which was nice I guess..

"She has no c- She has no c- She has no class." Jimmy stuttered.. Suddenly Stan and his friends came walking over to our table... Great last thing we need is a huge fight..

"You guys mind if we come and sit here? Miley Cyrus came to the cateteria to try and score Molly and she's freaking everyone out." Kyle quickly mumbled...

"Oh my god! I'll twerk if you guys give me vodka!" Miley yelled from the other end of the room.. She was really making an absoloute show of herself.. Maybe I could cast a spell to turn her into a nice girl? Craig would kill me for using witchcraft but hey ho...

Stan, Kyle, Kenny Cartman and Butters quickly sat down occupying the empty seats... "Damn that bitch is annoying.. I'm gonna chop that annorexic bitch into a million pieces." Cartman growled, He was clearly in his evil genius mode which meant hell for the rest of us.

"Dude she's wearing a god damn bikini and it's like 45 degrees outside.." Stan facepalmed, Kyle clearly shared his disdain for the popstar's antics...

Then all of a sudden a man clad in the suit came into the cafeteria, his slick style represented he was at least 250 miles away from this nowhere town...

"Miley! My wife left me because of what you did you crazy bitch!" He yelled, stomping over to her like his feet were on fire...

"Robin Oh my god! It's so nice to see you honey! Do you wanna play with my tongue?" She flirted with the man, I was just so taken aback by how upfront and cheap the girl was...

"No I dont Miley! I mean you've destroyed my family and career! And now your trying to get all these little girls to shave their heads? No fucking way." The man barked back...

"Oh my god! Can one of you kids call security! This guy is creeping me out right now.. I've only known him like 2 weeks or something.." Miley screched..

Mr Mackey and Principal Victoria suddenly came into the cafeteria assisted by Mr Garrison and Sheila Broflovski...

"THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH!" The four of them bellowed in unison.. The whole room went deathly quiet like a bomb just went off...

"Miley Cyrus my son Kyle came home and told me all about your disgusting exploits!" Sheila spat... She was clearly going ballistic over the events.. In the short time I hanged around with Stan and Kyle I knew never to mess with Kyle's mom.

"Oh my god who the fuck is that fat woman?" Miley asked, as though she had never seen someone who weighed more than 105lbs..

"Miss Cyrus we've had quite enough.. your going to have to shape up or we're sending you back to jail... And your boyfriend cant visit you during school hours.." Principal Victoria carefully explained, She was talking to the star as though she was talking to someone foreign or very stupid..

"Oh my god y'all! You can't do this to me! My sister did a voice over in a Japanese movie!" The twerking star suddenly broke down in tears, collapsing on the floor in a puddle of her own tears.

"Oh my god.. M'kay I think we've all been real nasty to Miss Cyrus.. Children I want you all to try and help Miss Cyrus with her problems she is clearly in no state to leave the building." Mr Mackey added, tears in the corner of his eyes.

Really? Oh my god some people in this town are so gullible.. Not that I doubted her emotion. But in the short time i've lived in this town I have seen many a celebrity go wild and try and get away with it.

"Aaw thanks sugar.. you're really fine." Miley flirted, adjusting her running eye makeup...

"I dont give two shits that bitch is a dumb ass ho and you guys shall respect my authoritah!" Cartman bellowed..

"ERIC CARTMAN MY OFFICE NOW!" Principal Victoria screamed.. Once again Cartman was in the dog house over his crazy opinions..

"Ohh screw you guys! Whatever I do what I want bitches!" Cartman ranted, punching doors and lockers as he went on his way...

"Miley we're real sorry honey do you wanna come have some coffee with us?" Mr Garrison offered.. He reached out his hand to pick her up off the floor...

"Seems like we got off on the wrong foot.. I'm Miley, Miley Cyrus." Miley said to Garrison when she got up.. Garrison was clearly having a starstruck moment.. Which was weird considering he has met at least a thousand famous people..

"Herbert.. Herbert Garrison.. I was Janet for a while but yeah.." Garrison replied dully, he took Miley's hand and escorted her to the teachers lounge...

I was sat there drinking my coffee looking at all the people on my table who's minds had just been completely baffled...

"Really?" Was all Kyle said...

"Dude that is real fucked up right now." Kenny added..

So once again we would have to deal with having a crazy troubled popstar teaching our class.. Well at least I got Craig to keep me sane...  
>Speaking of which where the hell is he?<p>

"Guys did you s-see where Craig went?" I asked.. I had to wait slightly longer to get an answer off my awestruck peers..

"Dude everyone was watching the meltdown of a diva.. Aint nobody seen Craig." Stan huffed, making out I was stupid for even asking.

I got up from the table and walked outside the cafeteria to get away from all the Mileygate shit.. Alot of people were looking at me as I went wondering why I wouldn't care what the American Sweetheart was up to.. Truth was I really didnt care..

I searched all over school to see where Craig was at.. In the end I texted his Mom and yeah turned out he skipped school shortly after Robin Thicke made his grand entrance...

In all fairness I hate school.. It really suckss

A:N/ Well Miley has finally been taken under the wing of the teachers.. Will the crazy Wrecking Ball hitmaker be able to sort herself out? Or is she due to meet Amanda Bynes in rehab?  
>Find out nex time Reviews, comments, criticism and ideas would be greatly appreciated<p>

Love,  
>Sally <p>


	11. Chapter 11

A:N/ After Miley's explosive public meltdown what's really going on with our favourite bunch of 6th graders? Craig just suddenly left and one witch just aint too happy bout that.  
>Dont own South Park Bewitched, Miley Cyrus or anything that goes on in this fic..<br>Enjoyy! (:

Craig's POV:

Well I dont really have the words to describe it... School was just real intense today.. It was like something off of Grand Theft Auto just casually exploding in the school cafeteria...  
>I mean this town has been through some crazy shit but the whole Miley Cyrus scenario has just really taken it to another level.. I just had to get out of there... I mean I could not be putting up with the drama of it all. I should have took Tweek with me but he was just too entranced by the crazy shit going on to even get a word through to him...<p>

Mom and Dad were both very drunk when I got in and told me to go to my room until they were sober enough to cook dinner. I sometimes wonder why two people who hate each other so much remain married... I mean I have a constant fear that im gonna wake up one day and one of them is dead... Like maybe my mom loses it or he loses it because they are both extremely vicious when one annoys the other... I mean if i felt that much hate towards someone I couldnt stand to live in the same house as them.. Like if me and Tweek ended up like my parents I would just be really put out on the whole thing...

I was sat listening to some Judas Priest, yeaah whatever man im flipping you off you aint got taste in music.. I was quite lost in the whole vibe when suddenly that big tuft of strawy hair just appeared in my room.. "SHIT! Tweek you nearly gave me a fucking heart attack!" I yelped, gasping for breath.. I hate it when people catch me off guard.. It just sucks so much it is really inconceivable..

"You just left me there Craig! NNGH! You really are an asshole! You just left me there..." Tweek cried, pointing his finger at my accusingly.. He looked real upset and I didnt plan for none of that to happen.. It reminded us of when we were kids and I really hated seeing him upset.. It was the one thing that could really tug on my heart and make me all emotional..

"Look dude I couldn't be dealing with that crazy bitch throwing herself around like that." I snapped back, I knew I shouldn't have been so hasty with my reply but I am way too honest for my own good..

"Well Craig I have a l-little plan." Tweek giggled, that mischevious expression of his present.. Oh here we go.. He's surely gonna send Miley to Mars with only Red Bull to drink...

"Well spit it out then.. I'm quite intrigued.." Cant believe I just said that but oh well.. Guess you gotta keep your head present in the moment...

"I-i'm gonna turn her into a real nice girl... Like how she used to be you know?" He suggested, yeah his plan was well thought out.. But the controversial Miley Cyrus was making everyone on the East and West coast a whole lot of money...

"Tweekers you cant do that babe.. She is worth a lot of money behaving like that... Just like Britney Spears and that GaGa chick." I replied...

"Lady Gaga for your information.. And she aint actually come to this town so let's not badmouth her." Tweek corrected me, adding a little clerical wisdom to his otherwise plaintive reply.

"Well you watch me Craig! I-i'm gonna turn Miley into a real respectable girl.. The type of girl you can take home to your Mom." Tweek said with a matter of factness..

"God I hope Linda Stotch doesn't catch wind of this." I thought aloud, God only knows what the Stotch woman would do if she heard of Tweek's plan..

Tweek held out his hand. I knew now from instinct just to take his hand and dont ask questions. When the bright light faded I saw we were in the teacher's lounge. Albeit behind the coathook but yeah...

"Look Daddy please send some money! I need to come home! These people just dont agree with what I'm doing!" Miley sobbed into her iPhone...

"Please daddy! I need to come home these fucking hicks are gonna have me shot or something! And this really creepy gay guy wants to rape me!" Miley begged...

With that she threw her phone against the wall and put her head in her hands... I was starting to feel real sorry for that girl.. It was starting to show how Hollywood could slowly wear the person down until they are nothing but the product they represent...

But before I could voice my disaproval Tweek snapped his fingers.. And before my eyes Miley now had the long auburn hair and conservative style we were all used to...

"Shit you really don't have no reserves about this hocus pocus do ya?" I silently joked.. Tweek just flashed me a look and before I knew it we were back in my bedroom...

"Well that's a second chance for Miley Cyrus i guess." Tweek silently mused, I cant help but find his apathy over the stuff he does rather disturbing..

"Dude change her back... Miley needs a friend not a blast to the past makeover." I angrily protested. Shit Craig since when did you care so much?

"Fine!" Tweek huffed, once again he snapped his fingers and sat down on the bed... "She was way better like that!" He added moodily...

The next day at school we were all quite shocked to see that Miley was sat at Mr Garrison's desk on his lap! And we all thought Mr Garrison was gay...

And Miley seemed pretty unsure of his advances the previous day.. But I cant speak for all the Hollywood types...

"Children I have a great announcement to make!" Mr Garrison smiled, Miley also had her perfect vaneers on show...

"Ohh here we go.. He thinks there's aliens in his backyard or something." Kenny mumbled...

"ME AND MILEY ARE GETTING MARRIED!" Mr Garrison sang with glee...

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

I thought Garrison was gay! But hey he was a lesbian so I dont know maybe he's just bisexual now or something...

"Herb you gotta stop believing that Scientologist shit.. It puts me off." Miley smiled at him.. Ok really beginning to wish I let Tweek just do that spell now...

"Sure thing Miles, Those bastards aint like NAMBLA at all anyway.." Garrison replied, his usual depression not in his voice..

"NAMBLA?" Miley queried, obviously not sure about what he was talking about. Mind you if i had $10,0000 at 11 years old I doubt i would either

"North America Loves Miley's Big Legs And Ass!" Garrison quickly mumbled.. Damn the ammount of weirdos in South Park man...

Like I'm sure this is the only town in America, the world that lets a registered sex offender be a teacher...

"OH MY GOD! I knew Middle America loved me!" Miley screeched with glee... "Time for weed Herbie." She added in a sing song voice...

"Ohh Miles you're terrible. Children just play on your phones." Garrison quickly muttered, nowhere near interested in our education...

I mean our teacher is casually smoking marijuana with a former child star? The absoloute farcical nature of the situation could never be more evident.

"Oh my god Herb! You're so sensuall." Miley groaned, licking his face with that infamous tongue...

"Jesus Christ! We cant do it here honey!" Garrison yelped, aware all of us were watching this perverse display...

"My Bugati is outside honey let's go." Miley whispered, taking Garrison's hand and practically dragging him from the room..

"She has real bad taste in guys.." Wendy thought aloud.. This time most of the girls seemed to agree with her.. I mean who would actually be sexually attracted to Mr Garrison?

I mean that man has commited every deadly sin and got the t-shirt!

The rest of the day was the usual.. Except for at lunch Miley was sat on Garrison's lap as everyone stared at them...

Then all of a sudden Papparazi came bursting into the cafeteria..

"MILEY! MILEY! MILEY!" The men screamed.. All of them eager to get the first shot.. They all clicked their cameras.. Desperate to make her look disgusting for an easy buck..

"IS THIS YOUR NEW MAN MILEY! ARE YOU GONNA SELL YOUR STORY TO VANITY FAIR?!" Two of them bellowed.. Seriously? What school would allow this?

They mind if we take sex education but they dont mind if a complete sellout has her media circus parading though the school?

"Oh my god! Herb let me go I gotta pose for pics!" Miley screeched anxiously. She wanted to give the paparazzi wanted, an uncensored bad taste performance...

Then all of a sudden the tongue came out and she started bending over.. A thousand cameras were clicking away.. Principal Victoria had especially hired the Mexicans to act as bouncers to keep the press out but that obviously wasnt working...

It was just another day of Miley Cyrus being herself, In real bad taste of course

A:N/ Miley and Garrison? Who'd have thought it? Will the kids see the nuptials of Marrison? Or is it just another of Miley's sex scandals? Any thoughts, reviews, ideas or criticism would be good

Loveeee,  
>Saalyy <p>


	12. Chapter 12

A:N/ Okk guys! After a lot of private messaging I feel I have to state I DO NOT HATE MILEY CYRUS.. I am simply using her for a guide in the story.. And yes before you ask dont worry she is heading off back to LA.. Thing is tho? Is our favourite perverted teacher going with her?

Tweek's POV:

Well all I can say is it's been a crazy few weeks. We saw in the new year with the nuptials of Miley Cyrus and Herbert Garrison.. Like im seriously freaked out... I wanna just snap my fingers and make them split up.. Mr Garrison's evil desires and Miley's tacky values put together could bring about the end of the world.. And that's something that as a concerned witch I dont want to see.. I wish Craig had just let me turn her into a nice girl.. Miley was so much more likeable when she was Hannah Montana.. Young girls could look up to her in good will..

But now she was everything that most of us kids didnt really like.. Slutty, loudmouthed and completely obnoxious.. Wendy even decided to call the FBI to have Miley removed from South Park.. It was of no use.. Everyone fell under Miley's spell until eventually it was considered a crime to even notice her antics... A lot of us kids didnt like it because we had to go to school with a sex crazed maniac who had no idea of basic moral ideals. She had no manners of any kind and was an obnoxious vapid brat... If I didn't have Craig looking out for me I would seriously turn her into a sloth.. See her try and fit into PVC panties then... I was sat at school with everyone on the one table.. Eventually we all decided we had to sit together, Yeah our gangs hated each other to some form but it was way better than being left open to the sexual advances of Miley Cyrus...

"Hey guys I'm gonna shave Herbies head!" Miley yelled, taking the hair clippers to Mr Garrison's hair... Well what as left of it.. "Ohh god your crazy Miley! Where've you been on my life!" Garrison cried with glee...

And within seconds Garrison was bald.. Well bald-er.. Apparently this did alot for Miley's sexual appetite as she started rubbing her ass up and down on him.. I mean school had literally turned into a hardcore porno and now we couldnt say anything about it...

"Ohh Mr Garrison I think I need a detention honey.." Miley purred... "Holy shit! Let's go for a ride on your car honey!" Garrison yelped.. And once again we saw the car rocking outside the cafeteria window..

"Dude pass me your phone I gotta film this shit!" Kenny cried, putting his hands down his pants.. Ewww Kenny! Nice visual I got in my head right now...

"Seriously dude?" Stan asked, looking completely dumbfounded as to why Kenny would be attracted to her... But it was easy to see why all the boys liked Miley

She did anything to seem sexual yet at the same time it was so over the top you couldnt help but want to see her fall on hard times...

Miley and Garrison came back into the room adjusting their clothes.. Miley bent over and coughed up something I wont mention...

"Sick dude!" Stan cried, covering his eyes.. I can really see why Craig doesnt like him now... The kid just dont stop talking...

"Damn girl! Cant believe I was a faag for all them years!" Garrison muttered putting real emphasis on the 'fag' part...

"Wait? You were actually a fag? Like you let men use your ass?" Miley inquired, the fear in her eyes was evident by everyone..

"I mean I just thought you were real camp.. Oh my god! I HAD SEX WITH A GAY GUY!" Miley screeched.. She then ran out of the room, jumped into her car and began to flee. The tyres screeching on the road could be heard for miles...

"What a two faced bitch! Oh well teacher's single children!" Garrison mumbled... He walked off his bottle of gin slowly trailing behind him...

"Well gee fellas what about her communtiy service and all?" Butters piped up.. He looked around anxiously for any answer. However the only one he got was "Shut up Butters." the only person who didnt join in that exclamation was myself.

So we had to put up with two weeks of Miley Cyrus and her crazy antics.. And in the end I didnt even have to use my witchcraft at all..

Miley's insensitivty, stupidty and downright biggotry sent her packing all on her own.

A:N/ D'aaaaw! Feel real bad for Mr Garrison! I wanna give him a hug :3 Any ideas, criticism or feedback would be great

Love,  
>Sally <p>


	13. Chapter 13

A:N/ So Miley left Garrison.. But what is our favourite teacher gonna do in his time of need? Will he find the courage to talk to Mr Slave?  
>Find outt ;P South Park and Bewitched are not my intellecutal property I'm not earning a dime off this story<p>Enjoooy<p>

Tweek's POV:

Mr Garrison is real miserable right now.. Anyone would think that he was actually deeply in love with Miley Cyrus.. All he did was talk about how her craziness opened his life up and now he was being swallowed by a dark depression. Needless to say every day at school was now watching Mr Garrison nearly drink himself to death.. It was a real crazy sort of thing to put up with. Cartman of course decided to milk the hell out of it.. Anyone else would try and be real caring about the whole thing but Cartman had his own ideas...

"Well Mr Garrison.. Seeing as how that bitch broke your heart.. Can you not give us homework for like a month?" Cartman asked with the same whiny voice he used with his mother..

"God damn it no Eric! If anything I'm giving you bastards more homework!" Mr Garrison blurted, then he started blubbering taking an extra swig from his liquor... He broke down in a complete mess yearning after the woman who stole his heart.. "I mean god damnit children! How could I have been so stupid! I should have known a girl from Tennessee would be an Anti-gayist!" Mr Garrison yelped, the anger and pain in his voice clear for all to see... All I could do was sit there and ponder over the whole situation. Stan, Kenny and Kyle were bitching about how they were getting no work done.. I saw Craig was way too busy texting to notice what i was up to.. I quickly clicked my fingers and waited for the results...

"Oh my god! Joy and happiness is me!" Garrison cried, his sobs turning into tears and guffawing right before my eyes.. Just like that he had gone from a deep depression to the same sort of happiness most people get off laughing gas.. Needless to say the whole class was completely taken aback... Not to mention Craig who shot me a very disdainful look... I did promise him I wouldn't use my witchcraft but hey nobody's perfect... I sure hope he doesnt grass me to the government. I CANT GO TO JAIL! GAH!

"Children today we're all gonna watch a movie! And if you want any ciggarettes or drugs bought then I am your man!" Garrison sang in joy.. Ok maybe I went a bit overkill but it's better than listening to that suicidal garbage. Garrison put on 'The Breakfast Club'. He was really obsessed with 1980s coming of age movies for some reason...

"Okay kids when we're done watching the movie we're all gonna discuss whether or not Molly Ringwald had a nosejob." Garrison stated in his usual monotone voice...

Well at least he's acting slightly normal.. I was aiming for just content but I really overdid myself.. It was loud whispering that next caught my attention... My ears were practically burning..

"Did you see that shit you guys? Tweek just clicked his fingers under the table and did some shit with his nose and now Garrison is fine." Cartman fumed, clearly taken aback by the whole thing... "Fatass just stay out of other people's business." Stan added, you could tell he was annoyed with Cartman's rubbish...

Thank god for Stan Marsh, I nearly got caught out... The look of worry on Craig's face was now more pronounced than ever..

"Excuse me Mr Garrison! Tweek's got a doctors appointment." Craig suddenly blurted out... Doctor's appointment? I wouldnt need a doctor's appointment I'm not mortal...

"Sure whatever! So long as you bastards do a report on Molly Ringwald I dont give a rat's ass!" Garrison guffawed, his intense and unrealistic happiness still taking everyone by suprise.

As soon as we were in the corridor Craig exploded.. "What the fuck was the meaning of that? You nearly got caught you fucking idiot!" He spat.. I couldnt believe he'd speak to me like that...

"I'm sorry but I did'nt want to listen to his self hatred anymore.. It's like being sat in a prison cell with Jackie Stallone." I replied honestly.. I mean honestly did he not notice that Stan completely disarmed Cartman's comments?

"Well Tweekers I told you, you cant just go around casting voodoo on everybody.. I don't wanna see you burned at the stake." Craig replied, I knew he was worried but it was still annoying.

"Okay screw this I'm going! GAH! Maybe i'll talk to you when you're being less of a dick." I quickly muttered, and with that I snapped my fingers and found myself back in my room...

"ERGHH WHY AM I IN LOVE WITH SUCH AN ASSHOLE! AUGH!" I yelled.. I could hear someone walking up the stairs, thankfully it was only Mom.. I was real worried it was one of the Gnomes. Ever since I turned their queen into a stiletto heel they've really had it out for me...

"Honey your home! Is everything okay? It's only 11:30?" Mom asked, her voice full of concern.. I didn't really wanna talk about the events of the day.. She'd be way more mad than Craig if she knew I'd used my powers on Mr Garrison..

"Come and watch TV honey.. it'll help clear your head.." She continued, I followed her downstairs and parked myself in front of the box...

I turned on the news just to see what was happening.. More talk of murder, war and mortals going about their daily business.. Apparently Kanye West had angered the pope and then the worst news of all..

BREAKING NEWS! came across the screen in bright red lettering...

"Hi I'm John Logan reporting from Denver where apparently pop star Miley Cyrus wants to sue local South Park man Herbert Garrison for sexual assault." The man blared, his loud confidence slightly overpowering.

"I am now going to receive an exclusive interview with the troubled star... Miley's father Billy Ray says that he wants to sue the entire town of South Park,Colorado for misconduct and defamation regarding his daughter." He continued, Shit does that Miley never get the message...

And then suddenly Miley in all her tongue waggling glory was on the screen...

"So Miley you claim Herbert Garrison tried to sexually assault you? Even though many sources are claiming you were going to marry this man? And you also claim he hid from you the fact he was indeed a homosexual." The newscaster probed, desperate for the star to voice her comments.

"Well y'all I aint got no problem with gay people but having sex with them is completely different.. Like I surely have AIDS right now.." Miley droned, sticking her tongue out for equal measure.. Wow why do so many girls look up this homophobic bigot?

"Okay so Miley your father has claimed he wants to sue the town of South Park regarding this matter?" The newsman continued.

"Not just me and Daddy.. Kimye, JLO and Bill Clinton wanna sue those damn rednecks!" Miley shrieked with gusto..

" I especially wanna get that little bastard Eric Cartman... He had me institutionalised!" Miley ranted on...

"Okay back to you Tom.. It appears Miley is still on the warpath.." The newscaster tried his best to make light of the situation...

I turned the TV off. Suing an entire town over your own views? Wow no wonder no one wants to live in LA...

Craig called me and we discussed at length the whole thing.. Needless to say that before long a lot of black cars would be driving into town...

Miley Cyrus was all everyone was talking about.. Randy Marsh even made an effigy and stuck a blonde wig on it to burn...

Pretty soon everyone was talking about 'The Miley Problem'.. Eventually it all blew up into a very huge thing.. All our parents started to grab their pitchforks and declared they would march to LA and take down RCA Records and Miley as well...

A week later though however it seemed the crisis was brought back home.

It seemed we didnt have to go to LA though.. Miley brought the fight right back into South Park... She didnt come alone.. She brought along with her every disgruntled celebrity ever to meet the wrath of our small town...

Me and Craig were sat outside City Wok as Miley lead the celebrity rebellion...

"We want an apology! You guys have treated us like crap!" Kanye West yelled... "Yeaah and I aint no hobbit! I'm the hottest girl in the world!" Kim Kardashian added...

"Miley what should we do? These dumb rednecks just aint getting the point!" Rihanna added, her long weave blowing in the wind...

"CHAAARGE! DESTROY EVERYTHING!" Miley screamed.. And just like that alot of famous people started going about their way trying to destroy our town...

Buildings were on fire, windows were being smashed in.. It was chaos on an entirely new level..

All of a sudden the ground began to shake... The skies darkened and the air grew thin and cold...

All of a sudden Jesus Christ himself appeared before us... "Oh my god It's Jesus!" Joan Rivers cried... "What are you guys doing here? Why have you rallied under a girl who doesn't even know her ABC's?" Jesus asked... The celebrities stood in awe of the Son of God...

"How dare you! I'm fucking Miley Ray Cyrus!" Miley screamed... All I can say is she is the only person I knew who would take on the Divine...

And just like that the clouds filled with lightning.. A single bolt came down from the heavens and scorched Miley Cyrus' flesh from her bones...

"OHH MY GOD! IM MELTING! MELTING! HELP ME!" She screamed, her skin was literally sliding off her bones...

All that was left of the former Hannah Montana star was a pile of black fluid...

"She's dead! ALL HAIL JESUS!" Randy Marsh shouted...

"Miley Cyrus is dead! PRAISE THE SON OF GOD!" Everyone shouted in unison...

It was only February and already a beloved star had died and Jesus came down from the heavens...

Just another day in South Park...

A:N/ Sorry I had to kill Miley! I just seriously wanted to work Jesus into the fic so yeaah ;P Critisicm, Reviews, Ideas, Comments ^^ all appreciated

Love,  
>Sally <p>


	14. Chapter 14

A:N/ Well with Miley Cyrus dead maybe South Park might be normal for about 5 minutess ;P

Enjoyy

Tweek's POV:

It had been two months since the great battle between the people of South Park and the many rich and famous who came from Los Angeles... Jesus came down from Heaven and struck down Miley Cyrus.. Of course the news reported she was shot, because you cant just say a big star got put on fire by Jesus. People seemed to get over it really quickly though, which wasn't suprising because Miley Cyrus was one of the most annoying people I had ever met..

The affluent people down in LA learned a big lesson though, dont screw with a little redneck town. Me and Craig were still going well, I'm amazed we've both managed to keep our love a secret.. I mean in a town as small as this that is truly a very difficult thing.. Romance blossomed between a few other people as well.. Clyde had been going on about Bebe for years so lets just say some fingers got snapped and now Bebe is all over Clyde. Craig said I should reverse the enchantment but Clyde is way funnier when he's happy like his jokes are way better.

I mean I had managed to make Bebe like Clyde for who he was not the ammount of shoes in his Dad's shop, cause everyone knows how much Bebe loves shoes.. She stole Miley Cyrus's louboutins when her corpse wasnt even dead 5 minutes. I gotta say I was quite proud of myself, I managed to make two people happy.. But as I said, Craig was not happy whatsoever.. He said I should just remove the spell cause it was all false and Clyde was get his feelings hurt either way... I dont know maybe, but he's the one with better judgement I guess.

We were all sat on the same table, Cartman was bitching about how now because Obama was in power his Mom couldnt work two jobs and claim welfare.. Seriously that guy has no shame. "I mean you guys I want an Xbox and a PS4! And that dumb bitch cant buy it!" Cartman whined, his malice and selfishness ever present. God i wanna turn that fat joke into a frog.

"Cartman you want everything dude! Like if you had Nicki Minaj on a plate you'd want more." Kenny mumbled...

"Nicki Minaj naah man.. Niggers aint my thing." Cartman jibed, he seemed to be glad to fit in some racist abuse somewhere...

"Yo who you callin the N- word fat boy?" Token asked, he was clearly reaal pissed... Everyone knew you never said the N word around Token...

"Ohh screw you dude your a pussy you aint gonna do shit!" Cartman laughed, he got up from the table and walked off, obviously shitting himself at the thought of fighting someone..

"God I fucking hate that fat shit! I'm real sorry about that Token." Kyle sighed, Stan looked really upset by Cartman's daily atrocities. Like seriously why do those guys hang around with him? It's not like any of us even like Cartman, but when we tried ignoring him he just held up a store soo.. Not many options regarding Eric Cartman.

"Seriously guys can't we like make a plan to deal with Cartman? I know we've been through like a million options already but he's gone too far now." Stan added. He was clearly out of ideas to deal with said fatso.. Mind you so were we all, we all hated Cartman so much..

"Well gee fellas we could film Eric doing something stupid?" Butters suggested, holding up his videocamera...

"Oh my god guys! We could get Cartman drunk!" Kenny added, he had a mischief making look on his face...

"Yeah if we get fatass drunk that would be awesome." Kyle laughed, he was never happier than when he was discussing getting revenge on Cartman.. I mean those two have hated each other since kindergarden so yeah.

So the plan was set in motion, we'd all go round Stan's and invite Cartman and get him drunk..

After school I met up with Craig and we started walking to the Marsh's house, not that Craig was too happy at that notion but any chance to get back at Cartman was one we'd all take...#

We knocked on the door and Randy Marsh answered the door "Hey boys you here for Stanley's party?" He asked, he was clearly ripped off his ass already...

"Yeah we're here for the party Mr Marsh." Craig replied not even bothering to hide his boredom, not that Randy would be able to tell...

For a while we all just watched TV eagerly waiting for Fatass' arrival...

He arrived regular as clockwork at 6:30... Randy let him in and he sat down, walking around like he owned the place...

"So what you fags got to drink?" Cartman asked, wheezing as he tried to catch his breath..

"Well Cartman I think it would be real good if you had this whole bottle of vodka?" Kyle suggested, trying to make out it was completely normal for one person to drink a whole litre to themselves.

"Ha glad to see your finally getting used to your disability Kahl... Shame you Jews cant enjoy vodka.. Now give it to me!" Cartman demanded.. He instantly started swigging from the Smirnoff bottle.

After less than half an hour Cartman was completely wasted.. He broke down in tears less than an hour after his arrival...

"I mean ever since that Dog Whisperer bastard was in my house my Mom is a complete bitch you guys!" Cartman whined, his tears still flowing...

Luckily Butters was filming everything, I cant wait to see Fatass try and live this one down...

"I mean I love you guys! You're all my best friends.. Especially you Kinny." Cartman continued, his rambling was nearly as bad as the shit he came out with when he was sober...

"Cartman get off me dude seriously!" Kenny growled, pushing the Fatass away.

"Butters! Get over here you black asshole!" Cartman demanded, Clyde took the camera off Butters whilst he sat next to Cartman...

"Gee Eric you aint gonna hit me are you?" Butters asked nervously, these days he actually had some sense to not trust Cartman and his nonsense.. Shame the same couldn't be said years ago...

"Hit you? Why the fuck would I hit you? Any more beer you guys? Most important guy in the world as dry as Utah here." Cartman complained, his boredom clear for anyone to see.

Everyone kept Cartman topped up, as soon as he knocked back the second bottle he really started blubbing.

Our plan was going real well, until his Mom Lianne turned up...

"Oh hello Sharon! Is Eric here?" She asked plainly, she was obviously pissed off having to deal with her sons antics.. I mean at least after school we didnt have to deal with him. But Mrs Cartman had to deal with it 24/7

"Ohh hi Lianne yeah Eric's here.. He's kinda wasted though.. The boys sure party hardier than any of us did haha." Sharon joked, trying to ease the situation...

"Well I might as well join you! Beer and hot guys are my ultimate vices!" Mrs Cartman exclaimed, she suddenly pulled off her pullover to reveal a crazy sex fetish outfit...

"Hi poopsikins! Mind if Mommy joins in on the fun?" Mrs Cartman asked, taking the botttle of vodka from her son...

"GOD DAMN IT WOMAN THAT'S MY DRINK!" Cartman screamed, his red face inflating with dark passion.

Mrs Cartman knocked back what was left in the bottle and soon the Cartman's were both wasted trying to sort out their issues...

"I mean Mooooom you were gonna buy me that AK-47..." Cartman whined, desperate for his mother to give in to his demands...

"Well I told you honey if you clean your room Mommy will buy you two guns.." Mrs Cartman replied, the drink was starting to take effect and she had her eyes on Randy Marsh...

"Soo boys everyone having a nice party?" Randy asked, he looked bored putting up with all us kids sat in his house...

"Yeah dad just go watch some TV." Stan said plainly, waving him off...

Mrs Cartman had passed out on the sofa.. She was obviously not a very big drinker.. Either that or she was a complete lightweight.. Cartman Junior however was still going strong...

I mean I'm sure his fat just absorbs all of it.. It's a creepy concept but its the only one I can imagine... Craig tugged on my arm, indicating he was bored with the whole situation...

I took the message, I got all my stuff together. "Soo guys me and Tweek are gonna go now... Not that Cartman wasted isnt legendary but we got shit to do.." Craig announced...

"Okay dudes see you both later. " Stan replied, too caught up in the chaos that was being unleashed...

We could hear Cartman complaining as we walked out the door... Craig put his hand in mine and we were back at my house...

"Damn that Cartman is one annoying prick... Cant fucking wait till they let him in the bars..." Craig sighed, facepalming...

"Look let's just watch some TV... Forget about Cartman..." I suggested, not much was on so I decided to just sit quietly...

I could only imagine the horrors caught on tape. Stan and Kyle suggested showing the footage in show and tell.. It wouldn't completely break Cartman's confidence but he'd be quiet for at least a week...

Craig fell asleep shortly after I sat back down... I decided to send him back to his house.. Mom and Dad dont like people just sleeping all over their furniture...

I decided to send myself over there as well. I didn't wanna be on my own.. Cartman's bullshit was still swimming around my head.

I laid next to Craig on the bed and for the first time in years I didn't need witchcraft or coffee to fall asleep...

It was a grey smoggy morning.. The sort of one you'd expect in New York in Decemeber...

"Shit! I've got a bad hangover.." I heard Craig groan... Hmmn looks like another job for little old witchy me... I snapped my fingers hopefully it would alleviate the bad headache...

"You know a good breakfast would have done the trick but thanks hun.." Craig complained, he hates me using my powers but he knows I'm just not myself if i go cold turkey...

"Look let's just go to school. GAH! I wanna see Cartman get his just desserts!" I quickly yelped.. I wasn't that interested but I didnt wanna seem like a melvin...

"Okay dude just let me wake up... your powers aren't that good." Craig replied, He got up and put his chullo on. He never goes anywhere without that hat it's real ammusing..

I was still in my boxers and it was 8:50 so I didn't have time to dress like a mortal.. I quickly sorted out my hair and put my usual uniform of jeans and a big button up shirt on...

"So if you're a witch.. Why do you wanna look rough and unkempt?" Craig asked, I could sense the sensitivity in his voice.. It was kinda funny how he was scared of my abilities.

"You said you liked me like this? If you want me to go full maintenance I guess I can.." I replied in a dull fashion.. Shit no impressing that boy honestly...

I looked in the mirror and imagined myself looking scorching.. I clicked my fingers and I looked rather reasonable.. My hair was styled perfectly, my dark circles were gone and I had some clothes from Hot Topic on...

"Shit! Why dont we just skip school and make out?" Craig suggested, he was obviously a big fan of my new look.. I decided to change myself back, people who are horny all the time really got on my nerves...

"Look! NNGH! I don't wanna miss the whole Cartman thing!" I said a little louder than I meant to.. It was true I wanted to see that fat bastard get a taste of his own medicine...

I took Craig's hand and just like that we were outside school... Stan and Kyle walked around the corner and seemed completely taken aback at how we got there so quick...

"Shit did you guys fly there? We live closer than you guys!" Kyle suddenly exclaimed, he was really suprised at that fact...

"Yeah we flew here.." Craig replied, the tiredness and boredom totally evident.. He flipped Kyle off and dragged me inside...

Garrison was sat with Mr Slave.. Ever since Big Gay Al moved to Wisconsin, Garrison has been intent on getting Mr Slave back..

"Children, I've got some really exciting news.. I'm gay.. Again." Garrison announced.. "Ohh Jesus Christ!" Mr Slave gasped...

"YAY! TEACHER'S A FAG AGAIN!" Cartman applauded, his fake joy noticeable by everyone...

"Ohh Eric! I'm glad you approve. I mean you're a crazy asshole so that just says volumes." Garrison mumbled...

Everyone got up to do their show and tell projects.. Wendy decided to do a presentation on makeup testing on animals.. Cartman made numerous jokes about panda's hooking with bright red lipstick on...

Eventually it was Stan and Kyle's turn.. I couldn't even contain my excitement...

"Today we're doing a project on our friend Eric Cartman.." Stan announced, matter of factly...

"This short 15 minute film shows the despicable nature of this person.. Proving that no one sins like Cartman.." Kyle continued, clearly happy with himself.

Then Cartman was on the screen, drinking his vodka and making a complete ass of himself.. He was even dancing around like a girl at one point..

"AAAAAH!" Cartman screamed, running from the room as fast as his fat legs would allow...

"YAAY!" The whole class cheered, glad to have at least one day away from said Fatass.

"And as you can see. This film perfectly depics the fucked up fat asshole that is; Eric Cartman." Kyle finished, everyone applauded except for me and Craig, we were too busy watching the movie...

"And you guys can get Cartman: Fatass Unleashed on DVD for 5 bucks off my Dad." Stan added.. They both looked really pleased with themselves..

"And dont forget for an extra $15 you can get all the deleted uncensored footage.. Some scenes may be unsuitable for younger children." Stan continued, desperate for any sort of get rich quick scheme...

"Well gee I wont watch the extended edition then.." Butters added, he looked real worried that his parents would be pissed off..

"SHUT UP BUTTERS!" Most of the class snapped...

Needless to say there was a huge crowd outside the Marsh's house after school that day. Anyone and everyone wanted to see the public humiliation of one Eric Cartman.

A:N/ Surely the boys would know not to embarass Cartman.. All I can say is he'll have a sweet revenge Comments, Criticisms, Ideas would be great

Love,  
>Sally <p>


	15. Chapter 15

A:N/ What has Cartman got in store? What's he gonna do to those who ridiculed him?  
>Dont Own South Park Or Bewitched...<br>I'm not making any money..

Craigs POV: After Cartman was publicly humiliated in front of the whole town alot of us got really worried.. He didn't show up to school for three months which is really unusual because Cartman's obsession with treating people like absoloute garbage means he always nearly comes in.. All I can say is I dread to think what sort of comeback he's got planned.  
>I mean it doesn't matter what you do to Cartman he'll always come back twice as worse as he was before.. It was a certainty, something you just knew from instinct...<p>

We actually got kinda used to the fatass not being around. Class was real quiet and not as many people seeking retribution would come storming into the class. It was actually quite quiet for those three months. But stupidly we all took it for granted, cause in truth it was really just that calm you have before the storm.. And when Eric Cartman is involved you know it's gonna be a big fucking storm alright. It was about 2 weeks after my 13th birthday when Cartman finally came back to school. He'd put on about an extra 80lbs and looked more unhealthy than ever before...

"Glad you could fucking join us Eric! Need a bit of light comedy relief in this god damn job!" Garrison complained, he went on at Cartman for another 20 minutes saying he'd missed all his work and he'd have to work in the abbatoir for lack of brains.. Needless to say it was another crazy day of Garrison going on about his crazy opinions. At one point he tried to blame Dick Cheney for 9/11, and later in the day he was talking about how the blacks started World War 2.. Needless to say idealistic total bullshit.. But Mr Garrison was very set in his ways, He refused to believe anything he didnt believe in himself.

"So children now we're going to learn about why you should NEVER and I mean NEVER go to Nebraska!" Garrison barked, obviously he had never been there because all he did in his spare time was cruise for sex and search the internet.. It was a well known fact that Garrison was a regular Quagmire. He carried on about how people in Nebraska are trapped in the early 1960s and are 'ignorant'.. Once again more of Herbert Garrison's prejudiced idealogy. In the end I just tuned out, I could not bear to listen to someone who was so stupid, obnoxious and downright vulgar.. "You see kids in Nebraska, they sell their daughters to rich Texans for a lot of dollars.. I should know it happened to my cousin Laura." He continued...

"But Mr Garrison you aint from Nebraska." Clyde pointed out, which was true because we all went to his hometown for some silly worldwide recorder concert.. I mean Mr Garrison will just come out with absoloutely anything to seem interesting.. It was one of his many flaws., well if you could count the rest of them.. I mean seriously we need someone who's a good teacher and not a complete asshole...

"IT DONT MATTER I AINT FROM NEBRASKA CLYDE! I'M TELLING YOU GOD DAMN RETARDS NOT TO GO TO NEBRASKA!" Garrison bellowed, his rage and malice potent. Wendy started passing notes with Bebe and it obviously had some very salubrious insults on it because the two of them started laughing uncontrollably. Garrison picked up on this and all I can say is right then the gates of hell just swung right open. Great job girls really...

"And what the hell are you hookers laughing at?" Garrison demanded, you could see from the look on his face he was really mad now.. Ever since Principal Victoria lowered his salary he couldn't afford to drink destructively.. Which meant his mood was worse than ever.. Wendy and Bebe were both struggling mentally to come up with some sort of excuse.. It was clearly obvious by how freaked out they looked... "Mr Garrison we were laughing at something off the TV." They lied.. Not very convincingly but hey their chicks...

"Well god damn it children! See what women are like? TV! TV TV!" Garrison ranted, he was obviously still sour over the fact he missed out on a multi-million marriage, even though he insisted day after day that Miley Cyrus got what was coming to her; we could all tell he was secretly seething because now he was left penniless. Even the company of Mr Slave failed to uplift his mood, which is strange because even though Mr Slave is a depraved slut and real freaky he is really funny...

"Do you know what? I don't care.. you children just do whatever you want.. I'm going to the bar!" Garrison huffed, he called for Mr Slave and they both promptly exited.. We were left without a teacher in the room so all I could say was everyone started talking very quickly.. It was then that Cartman decided to walk to the front of the class. Great here we fucking go...

"So fags! Finally! Well you guys I knew you were a bunch of dicks! But traitors? What the fuck did I ever do to you?!" Cartman barked, his red face and neck glowing a dark crimson, how that guy doesn't die of a heart attack I'll never know.. Like seriously Cartman has to be the most out of shape, fat piece of trash I have ever met in my whole entire life..

"Well gee Eric you're real nasty to people! You're sneaky!" Butters squeaked, he quickly covered his mouth knowing he would soon be hit full force with the wrath of Cartman.. Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of his abuse and we could all see that Butters just got himself a golden ticket to enjoy the whole charade.. Poor kid i felt really sorry for him right now.

"Nasty? Sneaky? Butters I think you'll find i've done more for you guys than you can ever know!" Cartman growled, his evil eyes locked on every single one of us.. He's surely gonna take out a gun or something.. Someone as sociopathic as him is just so unpredictable that it is really dangerous to even associate with him. I just looked at Tweek who looked real prepared to send him off to Death Valley..

"You fags seem to forget i'm the local celebrity! Aint none of you niggas would get in the club if I weren't there! Besides I am God!" Cartman yelled. He was getting more worked up with every passing second.. His rage and pure contempt for everyone in the room was sending a deathly vibe.. I didn't know whether to get up and hit him or just stay in my seat. All I can say is both options were not attractive.

"Cartman shut the fuck up! Seriously you treat other people like shit then come down on us like a tonne of bricks when you have it done to you? Seriously dude go fuck yourself." Kyle ranted, desperate to get Cartman worked up enough to have a full blown argument.. Like I'm sure them two secretly get off on their little arguments; I can just so picture that in my head.. Eww great image Craig.. Seriously fat naked Cartman is gonna be stuck in my head all day now...

"DAMN JEW! I DID NOTHING TO ANY OF YOU!" Cartman screamed, He was yelling with such vigor I'm suprised the windows didnt smash into a million pieces.. The fatass then went right over to Stan and Kenny's table placing his elbows on the desk and looking them both straight in the face. The look of darkness was one we were all afraid of, not that I was physically afraid of Cartman; I mean i'm like 5 inches taller and 100lbs slimmer than him so I could kick his ass...

"Welll no it's all good.. Because you see I've caught all of you guys in your little hidden moments.. Butters you're still quite the transexual on the weekends I trust?" Cartman asked glibly working in the evil as he finished his sentence.. Butters knew he had now just been humiliated, the kid looked as though he wanted the ground to swallow him whole...

"Well now we are going to watch the footage... I warn you guys this is really sick homosexual propoganda that I have captured. And under the watchful eye of God, Mel Gibson and Lord Hitler I shall now play the tape." Cartman ranted on, he then flicked on the tape and shit Butters does not look good...

He was singing the Girls Just Wanna Have Fun song wearing a long blonde wig and shaking his ass like he was a hoe from the ghetto.. Everyone except me, Tweek and Wendy were pissing themselves laughing, once again under the evil hypnotic spell of Cartman.. The footage went on all I can say is that Cartman is an evil bastard.. But i suppose we did it to him first so we all had it coming. Suddenly the footage cut to black.. But there were another 30 tapes in the bag.. And Cartman was nowhere near done with his antics yet...

"And what about Kahl and Stan? Oh my god we all knew it but I've now captured it on tape you guys.. Fags the two of you should be ashamed!" Cartman growled, suddenly he flicked on the tape and it appeared on the screen he was hiding behind some bushes.. And there on the screen was Stan sticking his tongue down Kyle's throat.. Wendy was starting to tear up trying to maintain her composure. It was obviously she was failing as she had to hide her face in her hands.. I feel real fucking sorry for everybody right now...

"YOU ASSHOLE I FUCKING KNEW IT!" Wendy screamed, running out of the room in a flood of tears.. "Ha dumb bitch! You should have seen it coming!" Cartman giggled. You could see the look of pure orgasmic pleasure on his face.. The knowingness that he had just destroyed somebody's life and turned it inside out.. Shit i'm seriously gonna get up and hit that fat asshole in a minute.. No words can describe how much I hate him...

"And now this footage is truly disturbing... how about Stan's dad Randy? And his chronic issues with soliciting prostitutes? I mean damn Stan I knew your dad was a hick but fuck me this is TV gold!" Cartman shouted.. He was interuptted by Mr Mackey who suddenly came into the room..

"M'kay Eric Cartman whats the meaning of all this?" Mr Mackey asked, obviously blissfully unaware that Cartman had just destroyed the lives of four people.. Cartman easily managed to lie his way out of it.. He was such a snake in the grass that he could manipulate anyone provided they were stupid enough.. He claimed they were just home movies his Mom shot at the Grand Canyon.. When asked where Mr Garrison was, Cartman claimed that indeed Garrison left him to teach the lesson...

"M'kay well I'm gonna go check this out with the Principal.." Mackey said suddenly, walking off to leave us with that fat psychopath... Cartman was really in his element now everyone's day had been completely disrupted.. The rest of the day was pretty much the same as any other.. Garrison complaining about his life, Cartman bringing hell upon anyone who even dared to look at him.. When we all started walking home i just thanked god I didn't have to listen to any more of Cartman's prejudiced rubbish...

It's kinda weird how both our gangs are always hanging around together now but the usual constant conversation was otherwise silent.. The seeds of doubt were everywhere, suddenly people started to ignore Stan and Kyle, Butters started getting the shit kicked into him on a more regular basis.. I need to get the rest of those tapes from Cartman's house at some point.

God only knows what other private moments he's got stashed on those tapes.. I mean this is Eric Cartman we're talking about; he aint just the guy for one cold dish.. He will give you a five course dinner of revenge until you are puking your guts up.. I mean I dont wanna end up like the Tenormans being eaten as 'chilli'. No way is Cartman done yet this is just the first stage of his plan. I can only fucking imagine the other shit he's got lined up..

A:N/ Well Cartman's really done it now! Are Craig and Tweek gonna be able to warm his dark heart and seek mercy? Find out next time

Love,  
>Sally <p>


	16. Chapter 16

A:N/ After Cartman's horrific show and tell what can Craig and Tweek do to reason with him?  
>I don't own South Park or Bewitched, nor am I earning any money from this..<p>Tweek's POV:<p>

After yesterday's events everyone is being real wary of Cartman.. Not that they weren't before but this latest display of the lengths he will go to has shown us all that once again you never screw with Eric Cartman.. He's been lording it over everyone using blackmail and extortion so that people will bow to his every need. It seems as though he is now using the footage he collected as a permanent inclination for everyone to do as he asks.. I've got other ideas though, because if Cartman thinks that I'm gonna let him blackmail me and Craig he has seriously got another thing coming. I mean he's got no right, it's not like we were even involved in that whole getting him drunk plan.. We were just kind of on the sidelines...

It was decided that after school me and Craig would go round to Cartman's house and try and reason with him.. It probably wouldn't do much in our favour but if there's anything Cartman loves more than people begging for his forgiveness then I really have seen it all.. We were walking down the long path towards Cartman's house.. You could distinguish his house from the rest in the street because there was countless abusive grafitti written all over it.. Most of it by people who hated him, and the rest just another record of his disgusting racist opinions.. "Look Tweek.. We shouldn't be here. You should know better than anyone he isn't gonna see our side of it.." Craig pleaded, trying to pander to my more sensible side..

I knocked the door.. I knocked again.. "MOM SOMEONE IS AT THE FUCKING DOOR!" Cartman screamed from inside the house. "I'm getting it now honey! I'm just putting my underwear on!" Mrs Cartman yelled back... I decided to carry on knocking, No way am I waiting for Mrs Cartman to relieve herself from her night of sexual ingenuity.. "GOD DAMN IT WOMAN! I HAVE TO ANSWER IT MYSELF!" Cartman barked, obviously very put off by the fact he had to move off his ass and go to the door... I could hear him stomping up to the door and he swung it open so violently it nearly hit me in the face.. Cartman's look of boredom soon turned to one of pure malice when he saw me and Craig.. Great just what we need...

"So you've come to beg! Ha! Fucking predictable!" Cartman wheezed, his false and undermining laughter only adding to the disaster of the entire situation. Hopefully i'll be able to convince him to see it from our side of the picture.. But by the look on his face he was in a terrible mood and there was no way we would be able to convince him.. Well that's what I thought anyway.. When he opened his mouth it was something I never thought I would ever hear Cartman say.. "Well okay.. I'll help you dicks if you help me." Cartman ordered, his dark brown teeth glowing in the early evening light...

"What exactly do you want Cartman?" Craig asked plain as day... He asked in a slightly too aggressive tone.. I know these two play off on each other's angle but it really doesn't help when I'm trying to get through to Cartman's caring side.. Well that's if he even has one; that being a concept that I really doubt. I mean we're talking about the guy who slaughtered 15 prostitutes just for the fun of it...

"Well I'll tell you what I want... I want you to convince Butters to come round here tonight.." Cartman said, his evil mind ticking away as he produced every word.. What so he wants us to just send Butters round to his house? Surely that can't be it; I hanged around with Cartman for a long time and if anything there is always some sort of hidden meaning, some sort of catch that you can't help but notice when it's far too late.. I could tell this was definitely one of those plans that had the secret hidden catch...

"What thats it?" Craig asked, before I could say anything.. He has that terrible habit of saying the thing I'm just about to say.. Either that or completely cutting me off before I can say it.. But at least someone asked the obvious question.. I mean Cartman was renowned for handing out tasks that were difficult to do.. Invite Butters to his house? Surely there was a catch, if there wasnt I will take an entire trillby and eat it...

"Ha! Of course thats not it! I want you to convince Butters to well... you know.." Cartman muttered, quickly winking his eye.. Does he want us to convince Butters the world is gonna end or something? I thought he already done that in 4th grade. Cartman is one of those people who works with riddles, you can never be all too sure of what he says.. 50/50 it's either verbal garbage or a difficult riddle...

"Y-you know what?" I asked, trying to break the uncomfortable silence that was starting to gather between the three of us.. Cartman seemed taken aback by my sheer defiance at asking a follow up question.. I could tell from the look on his face he wanted to lunge forward and attack us both; but he needed his job done so it seemed he was keeping his cool...

"Okay I'm gonna spell this out for you retards. I want you to convince Butters to come round here yeah? And drop his pants.." Cartman quickly mumbled.. Woah wait? Hang on just wait... You're telling me that Cartman the most prejudiced, white trash blue blood American of all time is secretly gay? Never saw that one coming.. Craig seemed just as suprised as I was...

"Wait? I thought you hated gay people.. Are you fucking with us Cartman?" Craig muttered, he was clearly getting real annoyed even being around Cartman.. Not trying to say that I wasn't but he might have something embarrasing about us on one of those tapes so we'd just have to lump it and get along with him.. As much as that sucks it was really our only option...

"I aint gay you dumb assholes! If I screw Marjorine i'm still technically a straight guy." Cartman explained, he seemed pretty sure that if Butters looked like a chick that would make him 100% straight.. Wow not only is he dumb, prejudiced and evil he is also really hypocritical.. Cartman looked at us as though we were stupid to as not know such information...

"Look you assholes, get Butters to put on his Marjorine outfit." Cartman ordered. He went silent after that.

"Okay Cartman.. but if you scam us I fucking swear to god!" Craig warned.. We both started off on the long walk to Butters' house; hopefully Chris and Linda weren't there because I am sick of those two gawking at me like I just fell out of the sky.. Me and Craig talked about life, our hopes and our dreams as we were walking.. Which was kinda ironic and irrelevant seeing as how with a VCR player Cartman could seperate us forever.. "Don't worry babe we'll get that fat bastard.." Craig said, putting his arm around me.. It was real relieving in the cold chilly air...

A few minutes later we arrived at the Stotch house, unfortunately for us Linda was spying out of her lounge window with her binoculars.. Regular as clockwork.. She nearly fainted when she saw me and Craig walking up the driveway. "CHRIS! CHRIS!" Linda screamed from within the house... We knocked on the door and had to wait at least half an hour for an answer, the Stotch's got themselves so worked up they were too afraid to answer the door. "God damnit! Wish they'd open the goddamn door!" Craig complained, i tried knocking on the door again and finally the thin form of Linda Stotch greeted us...

"Ohh dear! Can I help you boys?" She asked, she was trying to be friendly and polite but I could tell she was secretly gagging having to talk to someone from outside the quiet circle of herself, her husband and her son.. I couldn't really think of what to say as I was quite empty headed so Craig explained we needed to see Butters urgently.. Linda complained for nearly an hour about why it was far too dangerous to let her son out of the house on a Tuesday... Seriously such misguided bull...

After another 20 minutes of what seemed like haggling and negotiating, Butters was finally allowed to come out of the house.. He thought we were there to beat him up but sadly we had a much more dire fate in store for him.. All i can say is spending the night with Eric Cartman is enough to make me want to vomit. And vomit again, and again and again...  
>Butters seemed real nervous as it was not often people were ever interested enough to call for him at his house... "Soo gee fellas! What are we gonna do?" He asked inquisitively...<p>

After we explained the entire plan, Butters looked as though he wanted to run for miles.. It was clearly quite a shock that the person who made his life the most difficult actually wanted to pursue something more.. He just kinda looked empty and confused, So after me and Craig went over it all again he seemed to be willing to take one for the team.. Not that I agree with putting someone in a situation to help your own way.. I dont believe in screwing over someone else for my benefit but this is Cartman we're talking about, you need to resort to ridiculous things to give in to his demands...

"But guys I can't be Marjorine! Mom and Dad took all my wigs, dresses and Hello Kitty makeup and stuff!" Butters complained, Hmmn that does put a real damper on the whole thing.. And me and Craig aren't exactly rich so we can't do the whole shopping montage thing... Looks like this is just gonna have to rely on good old fashioned witchcraft...

I snapped my fingers and just like that Butters now looked like one of the Japanese girls in a porno, I thought maybe I did the job a little too well when I caught Craig trying to sneak a look up the miniskirt.. I'll have to discuss that with him when we are next alone.. But now I need to convince Butters to actually sleep with Cartman.. Which believe me is easier said than done.. I told Butters that he should go and buy me and Craig some food from KFC. I could formulate the next part of the plan whilst he was distracted...

"Can't you do like a love spell?" Craig asked, he seemed all fresh out of ideas... I was too busy caught up in my thoughts to really notice anything he was suggesting. A love spell? Hmmn I suppose that could actually work, Bebe went a bit crazy on Clyde when i cast the spell on her but hopefully It would work for Butters and Cartman.. "Okay Craig.. I'm gonna need about t-twenty minutes to do the incantation." I muttered, I should really be sat at home eating my dinner but instead im pleading for our freedom from the likes of Eric Cartman...

"Roses black and skies azure Let love flow on pastures pure Put together one at night Make a passion that burns bright Make it glow throughout the night Take that lust and make it happen Between Butters Stotch and Eric Cartman!" I chanted, and with that I snapped my fingers. Craig looked slightly taken aback by the whole thing but I suppose mortals will never understand our ways, It's like racism.. It might get better but it will never really go away... Shame but life's a bitch and then you die I guess. I sure hope this worked...  
>Butters came back with the KFC but he looked slightly dazed as though he'd just fallen and hit his head...<p>

"Soo fellas are we gonna go and see Eric now?" Butters laughed, his eyes seemed to literally glow as soon as he mentioned Cartman.. Haha I still got it, Craig looked at me as I had a chuckle to myself, He seemed to resent that I was proud of my work. I'd love to see him try and use a mortal option to make this plan work.. We reminded Butters that yes we were going round to Cartman's house and to chill out...

We were walking for another 20 minutes, people gave Butters very weird looks, South Park is not really the sort of town that supports homosexuality, transvestisism or difference of any kind.. Butters just laughed and carried on plodding along behind us.. "Tweek? Craig? Can I please take these shoes off? My feet are hurting.." Butters complained.. I wanted to tell him to stop whining but I wouldn't much like to walk in 6 inch heels myself... "Look we're nearly at Cartman's, Just shut up and keep walking Butters." Craig groaned...

"Umm gee alright then.." Butters whispered, going all quiet again. Finally after what seemed like an age there was Cartman's disgusting hovel of a house.. Lianne Cartman could be seen making love. Either that or two cardboard cutouts were having a special hug. It was hard to tell the net curtains were so faded... I knocked on the door and once again had to wait while the Cartman's had their little battle for superioracy.. Of course Lianne gave into her son like always and answered the door, she didn't leave her piece of man upstairs though...

"Ohh hey boys.. Eric is watching a movie on the TV.. I'm kind of busy so if you kids want smokes or beer I can't buy." Lianne muttered, she signalled to her friend to join her and they quickly ran upstairs, sure to get back to their night of sexual depravity...

As soon as we walked in the room Cartman's jaw dropped instantly.. I'm sure he would have never believed we would be able to convince Butters to do it.. Speaking of Butters though he was looking at Cartman with the same sort of primal abandon that was luckily left behind in the caveman times.. They both shared that lasvicious look, all I can say is I think my incantation worked perfectly.. "Here's your tape losers.. Now get the fuck out of here!" Cartman yelled.. We took the hint and quickly got out of there...

I would never have believed Cartman would have a thing for Butters.. But i suppose on the opposite side of the coin Cartman must think Butters is the Nazi ideal.. I mean big blue eyes and naturally bright blonde hair? Yeah that's definitely Cartman's type; I'm sure he's rambled on about it in the past...

"Let's go home and destroy this fucking tape!" Craig cheered.. It was obvious he was glad at how we both handled the situation.. "Yeah! GAH! Let's get rid of it!" I replied with glee...  
>I snapped my fingers together and suddenly the tape caught fire... Within minutes it was melted into a black sticky goo in the snow...<p>

"I love you babe.. Really." Craig whispered, he put his hands in my hair and it just felt like it was just the two of us there in the middle of the inky darkness of night... I felt like right then we were the only two people left in the world and all I can say is that feeling is really a good one..  
>"You too honey!" I smiled, It was then that he kissed me.. I mean this has gotta be like the billionth time but right here with the right setting I just felt like I was being woken up...<p>

We then decided to walk home and enjoy the cool night air.. We were just like two grains of sand in the dark ocean that was the universe.. Two people just walking down a dark highway trying to find their way home...

A:N/ Soo Cartman has it in for Butters? Unluckyy.. Maybe it will sort out both their problems. But what about our two heroes and the rest of the kids at school?  
>Find out next time<p>

Love,  
>Sally <p>


	17. Chapter 17

A:N/ So Butters spent the night with Cartman, Craig and Tweek got their tape; but what about everyone else?  
>Don't own South Park or Bewitched Trey and Matt own South Park and ABC owns Bewitched I'm not making a dime<p>Enjoyy :)<p>

Craig's POV:

Last night me and Tweek managed to convince Cartman to part with that tape but knowing him he's surely got about another 5 of them hidden away somewhere.. One chance of complete power just isnt enough for Cartman, he'll keep going until you eventually go mad or kill yourself, or both if you're really unfortunate.. As me and Tweek sat down in class it was clear to see that Garrison was wasted.. Not even 9:00 yet gotta say that's a new record for Mr Garrison.. Usually he's completely wasted by 11:30 but today he was absoloutely ripped off his ass and the day had barely begun... "Okay children.. I feel like I'm either gonna black out or vomit.. Just play around on your phones till I sober up." Garrison mumbled, he looked like he was half dead.. I mean yeah he usually looks like a real mess but today he looked like he needed an intervention, but I suppose it's his business and only he can get help...

"Okay class we're gonna do roll call.. just answer your names like usual." Garrison muttered, it was obvious to tell that he really hated being here.. Kids, education and general sobriety were not things that fit too well to Garrison's personality.. I'm sure like 25 years ago he was real into teaching but now he couldn't care less.. It's sad really to lose your lifelong passion and give it up for the chance of liquid sorrow... I could tell how depressed Garrison was.. Mr Slave had once again deserted him not able to deal with his drinking; I just wish my Mom could take a leaf out of Mr Slave's book and just leave my dad.. Sure we'd be a broken home but it was way better than the alternative... Garrison went down his list barking names obviously real pissed off when the afformentioned person confirmed that yeah they were here...

"Eric Cartman?" Garrison mumbled, "Yeah i'm here are you fucking blind?" Cartman laughed.. Garrison was way too drunk to start an argument, he could barely stand on his own two feet and they day had nearly begun.. Garrison went back to reading his list.. Wendy, Bebe yeah they were here... Everyone was here except for one person who you wouldn't really notice if it were'nt for their constant yammering.. "Butters Stotch?" Garrison asked... He looked around the room, not as if he cared about where Butters was he just didn't want his paycheck reduced again.. "You kids seen Butters?" Garrison asked, it was unusual for Butters to ever skip school. I mean this has gotta be the first time he's done it..

I don't like where this is going; I knew we shouldn't have gave in to Cartman's demands. He surely raped Butters and then killed him, and before you say that's quite far fetched believe me I know Cartman inside out.. Insidious crimes are just him through and through.. I turned around to look at Tweek and he just gave me a quizzical yet worried look.. It was sure unusual for Butters to miss school and everyone was starting to talk amongst themselves... Then all of a sudden talk of the devil there was Butters... Shit he looks like he spent the night in the doghouse.. He was still wearing the clothes Tweek conjured up for him; they were slightly ripped and charred looking, Butters looked either high or drunk or both...

"Butters! Where the hell have you been?! If I told your father he'd kick your ass!" Garrison barked, he hated having his time wasted.. Butters was just kinda in his own world; it was if he barely registered any of us.. He looked like Nicole Richie after a night in Detroit.. Suddenly he opened his mouth to say something only to be rudely cut off once again by Garrison's complaints..

"I mean all the other kids are here! Where the hell have you been? And why the hell are you dressed like that?" Garrison ranted, he loved nothing more than getting into a good argument with one of us, it was surely the only thrill his job offered him. Which was sad because being a teacher must suck real hard anyway.. I wouldn't wanna deal with a class of unruly kids; Especially in South Park...

"WELL! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!" Garrison demanded, he was starting to get real worked up.. His face turning a dark crimson at having his time wasted, Stan, Kyle and Kenny just looked between the other to try and make some sense of the whole situation.. Not that that would do any good; I mean it's hard enough to explain the simplest shit in this town let alone this whole fiasco...

"Gee Mr Garrison.. I woke up in the City Wok dumpster like this.." Butters whispered, I knew it! Cartman just cant be trusted alone with anyone for more than 20 minutes.. I could totally see this developing.. And I can just imagine the sort of things Cartman will ask for in exchange for his silence.. I bet he has duplicate copies of everyone's tapes hidden in his house..  
>Cartman was never one of those people to have just one item of revenge in his arsenal. When you hate everything and everyone as much as Cartman does it pays to use all the tools in the box...<p>

"Wow Butters.. Wonder how you ended up there?" Cartman asked glibly, his sly snakelike eyes scanning the room for anyone who doubted his resolve.. It was way too early to even bother acknowledging Cartman let alone talk to him.. Maybe after recess but now if he opens his mouth it is more than half as bad than the shit he comes out with for the rest of the day... Butters looked real freaked out knowing he couldnt hand Cartman in without having a bad beating and numerous teasing... "Yeah how did you end up there?" Garrison queried, his eternal rage settling for once while he was questioning Butters.

"Umm..I was drunk! Really really drunk!" Butters quickly squeaked.. I feel sorry for that kid. I mean he trusts Cartman so completely it's actually kind of dismal in it's way, I feel more bad that Tweek put that spell on him, I mean all he had was a night of being fucked around like usual.. I mean i'm not saying I care what happens to Butters but some part of me does.. I mean he's been tormented for years now. And then Cartman just uses him up like some $50 hooker? Shit only in South Park, Colorado...

Then all of a sudden Tweek stood up out of his seat, Ohh great here we go.. If I had telepathy I would tell him to sit the hell down and stay out of other people's business. Even if I did he wouldn't listen to me; Tweek is one of those willful people with a resolve so great you'd have to be an alien brainwasher to try and convince him to not do what he wanted...  
>"Look Mr Garrison.. Cartman did that to Butters!" Tweek yelped.. Shit's sure gonna hit the fan now, Damn I should have stayed in bed this morning...<p>

"Eric didn't do it! Please believe me teacher Eric didn't do it! Tweek's crazy he's lying!" Butters insisted.. I wouldn't defend that fat blob but well Butters is sort of a pussy so you can't blame him for going all defensive with the whole shtick.. If Cartman screwed me around I'd let everyone know.. Not to mention I'd kick a few shades of pain into that fat gut of his...  
>Garrison didn't know who to believe.. In the end he knocked back the bottle and drowned his sorrows. He didn't give a shit who was right or whether it really happened...<p>

"Ohh children you should know I dont give a shit! Tough shit Butters! Anyway children open your math books while I drink!" Garrison laughed, he was starting to seem really friendly for a few minutes.. It was the same with my folks one minute they would be totally in love and a few minutes later they'd be grabbing the kitchen knives.. I'd seen it enough to see the signs, hate is really a disgusting emotion and alcohol does not help with controlling it whatsoever.. Garrison had nobody to hate except himself so that made it all the more worse...

Butters just went to his desk and sat down, he looked real pissed off throwing me and Tweek dirty looks whenever he had the chance.. Sorry but did he actually enjoy spending the night with Cartman? Suddenly I had that image in my head again... Eww! How somebody could have sex with Cartman and not suffer from mild paralysis I will never know..  
>Cartman was laughing and flipping us both off.. Suddenly I received a text, Unknown Number.. Great everytime it's an unkown number its either someone in the US Government or Cartman.. All I can say is it wasn't Uncle Sam, 'Don't worry I didn't hurt him.. He just got freaked out.. If you bastards hand me in I'll kill you both.'<p>

I flipped Cartman off, how the hell did he even get my number? Gotta remember to change it as soon as I get home, Cartman is one of those people who will text and call you morning, noon and night.. That's why after 5th grade everyone decided to change their cell numbers so they didn't have to put up with Cartman's perverse ideals at 4AM.. When I find the rat that gave him my number there will be hell to pay... "Butters where did you get that wig? It's amazing." Bebe suddenly asked, Garrison had blacked out so we could all talk freely.

"Umm gee it ain't no wig it's my real hair.." Butters replied, he didn't look like he wanted to converse with the Stevens girl but once Bebe had you hooked in one of her conversations you wouldn't be able to escape unless you badmouthed Justin Timberlake or something else took her interest.. She sat there looking kind of confused, I mean I would be too in a normal situation.. Hair doesn't normally grow that quick unless witchcraft is involved.. Especially when the witch is as willful and defiant as Tweek...

"Haha right! Where did you get your extensions honey?" Bebe asked, turning on her sweet sexy voice to extract information.. I also saw her pull her tank down slightly to reveal her cleavage, pfft oldest trick in the book. Seriously the ammount of women I know who use that trick I'm sure it's mentioned in the Bible or something. She was flirting crazily to try and get some of the Stotch boy's beauty secrets... Butters just looked kind of confused as to why a hot girl like Bebe would be asking him such questions..

"Bebe umm gee you look fine already! I mean you're a real nice girl and you don't need to change anything." Butters replied honestly, the Stevens girl just looked at him with a look of pure contempt before suddenly an idea flashed in her head.. Great usually Bebe's ideas will leave you outside a bar without a pot to piss in. I could literally see her brain ticking away.  
>She suddenly went over and sat next to Butters, flipping her long curly hair over her left shoulder. Butters looked kinda taken aback by this...<p>

"Look i'll show you my boobs if you tell me... And I aint talking underboob I'm talking the whole thing." Bebe purred, desperate to find out how Butters looked way more amazing than she did. And lets not forget that Bebe and her friends spent an average of 2-3 hours getting ready for a day of school. Butters looked real freaked out by her stand-offishness and general forward attitude.. Well we are talking about the girl who was voted the most hottest girl in school last year next to Wendy Testaburger, a fact which had slightly diminished their friendship...

"Ohh hamburgers! Well sure Bebe.. Umm i got all this from K-Mart.." Butters quickly lied, obviously desperate to see Bebe's awesome boobs. Not that I thought they were awesome, Bebe was just wasn't my type of girl.. She was a little princess who would tear you apart should you deem her ugly, uncool or boring; spoilt little bitches are just a real big turnoff for ol' Tucker here.. I mean sure Tweek is slightly spoilt by his parents but he doesn't go around spreading malicious rumours about people...

Bebe quickly took off her sweater and flashed her boobs at Butters, Stan and Kenny were craining their necks to try and get a good view.. Wendy huffed; she couldn't believe the whole situation. Barely 2 months earlier she found out that Stan was cheating on her with his best friend and now he was checking out her supposed best friend. Which was odd considering the two girls were constantly in competition to be hotter and funnier than the other one... Sadly though Wendy was once again caught up in the whole thing and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Wendy was about to open her mouth and come out with something but instead just walked out of the class...

"Ohh Windy's real pissed now Stan!" Cartman jibed, glad to see that pandemonium was taking hold.. He looked just about ready to get up and start on another of his racist lectures but thank god his Mom was texting him.. With Mr Garrison out cold we'd have no defense from the fucked up bullshit that comes out of Eric Cartman's mouth.. Cartman was in the zone now, too busy arguing with his mother to carry about what any of us were doing.. Clyde, Token and I started our own little conversation.. Tweek went over to talk to Kevin Stoley and Annie Nelson.. Annie Nelson.. wow she's a bitch but she can be real nice when you don't rub her up the wrong way...

Suddenly Wendy came back into the room in a tight tube top.. Wow that girl is stacked.. Shit Craig really? Stan Marsh has been all over that.. But holy shit she did look fine...  
>"Any of you boys wanna see how a real woman struts her stuff?" Wendy smiled, her tiny ass barely filling the Daisy Dukes she had put on.. She just walked back to her seat like she was an old fashioned movie star.. Then suddenly the topic of conversation was Wendy, Wendy,, Wendy.. She had succeded in grabbing everyones attention.. She threw a look of contempt at Bebe and mouthed to her 'Stay the fuck away from my man'. Glad I'm not a chick they are fucking crazy...<p>

Suddenly two men in black suits entered the room. "We're looking for a Mr Eric Cartman?" They inquired.. Ohh thank god the FBI have finally come to haul him away...  
>"Yes I am Eric Cartman!" Fatass shouted, raising his hand in the air.. He couldn't resist the chance to see what these people wanted. If they wanted to see him it was unfortunate to say that it couldn't be good...<p>

"Mr Cartman we have your crate here but we need the payment.." They demanded, Cartman took out 4 $20 notes and threw them at the men.. "Now get the hell out of here! God tryna go to school maan!" Cartman whined, the suit guys quickly took the hint and quickly dispersed.. Lucky bastards we have to sit with the tub of lard all day long.. Cartman got a crowbar out of his bag and suddenly started to mess with the crate. He was desperate to unlock it.. Suddenly it began to gave way.. What the hell could be inside such a massive crate...

Get the fuck out of here! Suddenly a really hot.. And I am talking like smoking hot woman walked out of the crate, only a cheap mink coat covered her modesty.. What so Cartman ordered a hooker off the internet? Wow that guy really has no sense of self respect.. If I was desperate enough for a hooker I sure as hell wouldn't parade it around my peers like it was socially acceptable...

"Ahh Mr Cartman... We have sex now no?" The woman inquired, she had a thick Russian accent so much to the point that she nearly sounded like a guy when she started talking.. Mind you with what I've recently learned about Cartman that is surely one of his five major turn ons.. I still couldnt get over how hot the woman was.. And she wants to do it with Cartman? Thank god for American Capitalism is all I can say, In Russia Cartman must be slightly attractive..

"You must be Tatiana.. And no I hired you to clean my god damn house bitch!" Cartman growled, the woman looked quite offended but I suppose she's an illegal alien so she did not try to reason with Cartman or voice her dissaproval. "Yes but Mr Cartman.. your home.. I don't know the location." She replied with a sense of boredom, I knew exactly how she felt.. Trust me honey after 25 minutes with Cartman you'lll be slashing your wrists.. Cartman told us all very matter of factly he had to take 'The Russian Scum' to his house.. Poor fucking woman I can only imagine the atrocities Cartman will commit tonight.

Suddenly Wendy was no longer the topic of conversation, now everyone wanted to know about the hot Russian girl.. Could Cartman get her pregnant? That idea just makes me want to vomit.. How much did he pay? Was she a virgin? These were the questions that were being thrown around the room at this point in time..  
>Wendy and Bebe for once were both sat together discussing 'That European Slut'. They were talking about her as though she was an insect that needed to be destroyed.. Seriously man thank god I'm not a chick.. Being that insecure must really suck...<p>

Cartman is obviously trying to convince himself he's straight.. I can put the pieces of the puzzle together now.. He obviously regretted doing Butters so he ordered that Russian chick online to try and convince himself he was still into women.. Bit of a far fetched concept to toy with one's sexuality but hey this is Cartman we're talking about.. I can bet you $64,000 that in the morning that girl will be covered in bruises and declaring Cartman the Anti-Christ.. It would surely be just like when Cartman took Lisa Berger on a date last year.. She said he beat her to the point that she passed out twice.. Of course with a police force as stupid as ours nothing was done and yet again Cartman was allowed to act like God in his opinion.

The rest of the day was actually really quiet and peaceful. There was obviously an elephant in the room regarding Cartman's latest scheme but we didn't discuss it. Cartman is one of those people that you just have to mention his name and within minutes he will arrive. Like im sure he has a homing beacon so when someone mentions him he can go there and try and get in on the whole shtick.. Everyone instead turned their attention to Tatiana, the hot Russian whore Cartman ordered... "I wonder if she's got any diseases? Like I heard they dont sell condoms in Moscow.." Bebe suddenly blurted, why is it so many pretty girls are so dumb? Like i'm sure when God was handing out the hotties he forgot to install a brain.. If I was God i'd make the ugly people stupid and nasty and the hot people nice and smart...

"I don't like her.. Did you see how flaky her mascara was? Like has that bitch ever heard of Maybelline primer?" Annie Nelson jibed, soon all the girls were happily smack talking Cartman's new woman.. Soon their attention turned to why he didn't just ask one of them out.. Not that they would ever say yes of course but still it played on their mind...  
>Bebe was the most pissed off, she even said that if Cartman asked her out she'd go to third base then screw him off...<br>When school was finally finished me and Tweek decided to go to Stark's Pond.. Nobody would really come here until after so we decided to just enjoy the scenery and blank out the crazy events of the day..

"GAH! I can't believe Cartman just bought a slave off the net!" Tweek yelped... I couldn't be bothered to reply I was too busy listening to the birds in the trees. Their sound was a plaintive yet joyful one; the sort of song that people just couldn't comprehend.. I mean birds are pure in my opinion they just fly about singing their song.. Waiting for the people to hear their joyful symphony.. "Really? We're talking about the guy who tried to start a war with China.." I suddenly exclaimed.. I hated being suddenly jerked from my thoughts but yeaah when that asshole is the topic of conversation I could never resist making some sort of comment...

"Look C-craig we need to send that girl home... She doesn't deserve that shit.." Tweek whispered.. Yeah but if there's one thing I've learned you never mess with Cartman's toys.. I mean all I did was move his frog in 3rd grade and he hung my sister up on the school flagpole.. There must be some way we could liberate that girl.. I mean screwing around with Butters is bad enough but a scorching Eastern European chick? Naah I have to intervene now; I've seen women being treated like crap all the time at home. I can't stop it there but I can stop Cartman ruining that girl's life...

"Tomorrow we're going round there.. Witchcraft or no Witchcraft that chick is going back to Russia!" I suddenly announced. Tweek looked pleased we were both on the same page..  
>Don't see how I couldn't be though.. Cartman mistreating a hot young blonde? Aint nobody got time for that...<p>

A:N/ So Cartman ordered himself a mail order bride? Will Craig and Tweek be able to save her? Will Wendy and Bebe be the hottest girls in school again?  
>Find out next time<p>

Luurvee,

Sally xo 


	18. Chapter 18

A:N/ So now that Cartman has a slave it seems his evil has just gone up a notch.. Will Craig and Tweek be able to help the hot Russian girl?  
>Don't own South Park, Bewitched or any celebrities or events that happen in this fic...<br>I am not making a dime off this

Tweeks POV: It was 5:30PM. Me and Craig were on our way to Cartman's house to see just what was going down.. Seeing as how he ordered a Russian bride it's obvious he has some despicable things planned.. When we had an exchange student from Brazil; Cartman killed her.. Her parents still came out to Colorado to look for their daughter.. It was quite obvious that Cartman hadn't buried the body.. That was far too simple for the likes of him, He had said himself in class numerous times how blood and ultra-violence turned him on.. Much to the dissapointment and disgust of all of us.. Finally there it was, The Cartman House... Lianne was obviously not in as orgasmic screams could not be heard and her beat up old car was not in the drive way.. Great we gotta deal with Cartman without even one ounce of protection.. But I suppose having his mom out of the house was a good thing, she would flirt with you until you were practically gagging.. I mean there is a reason she is a last resort for drunks at 5AM, she's got every sexual disease in the book.. I knocked on the door and seeing as how his Mom wasn't there Cartman came to the door immediately...

"Ha! What the hell do you guys want?" He asked in a bored yet plaintive tone... I had to think of something to say, Craig was unusually quiet so for once I had to do all the talking... Which sucked I must admit because I am of quite a nervous disposition and not very good at stringing all the words together in my head.. Cartman looked as though he was trying to make sense of why two people who clearly hate him was once again at his door.. He silently seethed whilst looking at us, his dark heart beating the vile evil around his body...

"Look C-cartman! GAH! You need to let that girl go.." I muttered, I soon began to regret my words because it seemed Cartman was getting ready to absoloutely kick our ass. He was a terrible fighter though so I suppose the sense of our impending doom wasn't as accurate and precise as I would have imagined.. Cartman looked as though he was gonna start on one of his prejudiced rants again.. But then suddenly the dark redness that enveloped the upper half of his body began to dissipate.. He was trying to find the right words to get us both to fuck off but for once he was completely silent.. Which was weird because he is one of the biggest loudmouth's of all time. I knew this was a bad sign; Cartman silent could bring about the end of the world if you provoked him enough.. It was a stupid idea us coming here, there was no way in hell he'd give up an unpaid servant...

"Ha! She aint even here no more! I lent her to the Mexicans.. For an extremely huge fee of course." Cartman giggled.. Pfft I could totally see this coming, Cartman whoring out a foreign girl for profit; I mean yeah it's the oldest proffesion but it's also the most dangerous. But of course to Fatass the only real thrill was the money and seeing the Russian girl coming back in a ridiculous state.. I mean the Mexican guys are okay but they will surely treat that girl like crap knowing that she knows nothing of American laws, behaviour and customs...  
>Cartman seemed to be truly in his element, he was making money and satisfying his dark evil desires all at the same time... He started guffawing in a horrendously overdone manner...<p>

"Eric! I want more margaritas!" I heard Butters shout from the other room.. Cartman looked totally taken aback by this.. He was trying to formulate a plan in his mind, you could always tell when this was happening as he would fiddle with his sweater and the poofball on his hat.. He'd have to come up with a real good excuse because unlike most of the people in this town me and Craig are rather smart.. Well at least I think so; not to blow my own trumpet or anything. "Umm you guys.. Butters came round to umm.. Watch Lost! To Watch Lost!" Cartman quickly yelped.. Oh my god I knew he was stupid but really? That show finished years ago... Craig looked just about ready to come out with a comment so I decided to interrupt before he could say anything..

Suddenly the Russian girl came walking up the driveway, lots of her hair had been pulled out and she had two black eyes.. Surely a huge turn on for someone as perverted and sexually deviant as Eric Cartman. You could just see the look of happines on his face, knowing that he had provided a service and now the servicee was back.. Indeed in a worse off shape than before but what would Cartman care? His apathy and obsession with greed are surely the only thing that keeps his brain and heart going...

"Mr Cartman! I am quite injured!" The girl complained, her otherwise pretty face distorted into a purplish-black Elephant Man esque disaster... She had bruises, teeth marks and whip lacerations on her skin. Wow hope to god I never have to work for Cartman.. I'd rather starve to death.. Cartman's joy was rising; It was no secret he thought women were inferior that's probably one of his excuses for having sex with Butters. Suddenly speaking of Butters he came out to join Cartman on the threshold.. He was wearing a Halloween Nazi costume, complete with SS hat and swastika pants... He also had on very black dramatic eye makeup, His eyes underneath all the crap looked veiled by weed or something..  
>Wow Cartman sure does like racism I'll give him that...<p>

"Aint nobody got time for that bitch! GET IN THE HOUSE AND MAKE ME AND BUTTERS SOME PIE!" Cartman bellowed, The girl ran into the house she was obviously in enough pain not to want to inflict the abusive hands of Eric Cartman. I could see her sticking a turkey pot pie into Cartman's oven and then cleaning the floor with her toothbrush.. Cartman could only laugh maniacally as this horrible injustice was taking place.. Butters was far too much of a pussy and deeply in love with Cartman to say anything. Which is real sad because i'd rather date Tracy Ullman than Eric Cartman...

"Well gee Eric you said we were gonna watch Dirty Dancing and then have sex." Butters whined, obviously a huge mistake on his part because once again Cartman was getting real worked up.. He suddenly clasped both his hands around Butters' throat with all his might and pushed him up against the wall.. Great now we have to endure some more of Cartman's mental instability.. You could feel the rage in the air and it was a disgusting sickening feeling... Seriously no wonder no one talks to that fat asshole..

"GOD DAMN IT BUTTERS! I TOLD YOU NOT TO MENTION THAT SHIT WHEN THE GUYS ARE HERE!" Cartman barked, he relinquished his grip on Butters' throat who fell down to the floor gasping for precious oxygen.. He then retreated back to the sofa, obviously wanting to give Cartman a few moments to get a grip on his anger.. Well all I can say is Cartman would need an entire month to forgo the intense dark hatred inside his heart. Cartman looked extremely embarrased by the whole event; which was weird because not less than a week ago we hooked the two of them up... Cartman was now getting bored with us standing on his doorstep.. You knew when he wasnt verbally abusing you or your family that he was planning something more physical and extreme...

We could hear Butters watching Dirty Dancing in the lounge, singing along to all the songs; which is real bad because Dirty Dancing is a terrible movie.. Mr Garrison made us watch that Fame, Footloose and Flashdance numerous times... Butters surely knew it off by heart the ammount of times we'd all seen it in class. To break it all down for you it's a really cheesy 1980s movie about a chick who's pretending it's 1962 and who ends up screwing the Swayze... And she also has a really nerdy sister.. Needless to say a lot of women and Mr Garrison are totally obsessed with it..

"Sylvia! Yes Mickey!" Butters crooned... "Jesus H Christ." Cartman face palmed.. I knew not to laugh at Cartman's misfortune especially after recent events... Cartman invited us in which was unusual, he didnt even let Stan Kyle and Kenny in his house anymore.. I just cant dread to think what is in his cellar. I'm sure it doesnt say keep out for nothing.. Cartman sat next to Butters and quickly changed the DVD channel to the TV channel.. Butters started complaining only to be struck across the face by Cartman... Cartman ordered him to go and help Tatiana with the pie whilst he discussed 'business'.. "Soo you fags wanna relinquish me of command? Damn you guys are worse than Kahl! I aint giving up that commie.. Well I suppose I could.. But for a price.." Cartman ranted.. Great another one of his crazy plans.. He surely wants us to go and kill Seth MacFarlene for creating Family Guy or something...

"I wanna watch Blondie here and Buters doing it.. You can watch as well Craig if you like.. Mind you you're so backward and old fashioned you might have some reservations.." Cartman continued.. No way am I screwing Butters.. I wouldn't even screw Craig and I'm deeply in love with him.. I mean I'm only 13 years old! This is like an episode of the Maury Povich show.. And after that episode with Cartman disclaiming how he was the baddest and sluttiest in the world, Not alot of people were fans of it anymore...

"N-no way fatass!" I yelped... Having sex with someone is freaky enough as it is without having the biggest pervert in class watching you do it... I mean I felt bad for that Russian girl but I just would not stoop to Cartman's level... I refuse to let him use me for his own pleasure; he's made a fool out of me other the years but I dont wanna become one of his regular jerking off scenarios...

"Aint happening Cartman.. We're happy to do anything reasonable." Craig sighed, he looked extremely bored with Cartman's ridiculous orders and demands.. Eric Cartman then looked at us as though we were the biggest scum on the entire planet.. You could see that twisted mind of his slowly counting the minutes.. Formulating whatever unfiltered garbage would leave his mouth next.. It was like waiting to be savaged by a Bengal tiger.. Deadly, unnerving and extremely bad for your health..

"Okay then just make out with Butters... I can imagine the rest myself.." Cartman wheezed, he grabbed his left side obviously struggling to even sit upright and talk in a sophisticated and polite way.. Cartman was just one of those people who couldn't bear to not constantly antagonise people.. He just could not live without waging war on anyone and everyone who crossed his path.. He was like a black cat, an unlucky omen for anyone that crossed him...

I thought that I'd have to do it.. I'd really hate having to kiss someone I didn't like but I refused to let Cartman treat a nice young girl like complete garbage.. I silently nodded my head and that evil smile flared up in full force... "Haha! Knew you bastards would do anything.. Butters get in here now god damnit!" Cartman barked, he was obviously getting quite excited by the whole thing.. His smile and general pleasant nature were a disturbing and frightening sign.. "Ohh shit you guys wait! The torture video!" Cartman suddenly exclaimed..

Suddenly he got up from the sofa and waddled over to a sideboard, he suddenly started rummaging thorugh the drawers until at last he found what he was looking for.. He took Dirty Dancing out of the DVD player and stuck the blank disk in... Suddenly on the screen were Cartman and a black woman who looked no older than 16 or 17.. She was pleading for her life and crying her eyes out uncontrollably.. "Please Mister I'll do whatever you want! My mom and dad have got money! I'll have sex with you! Please dont kill me!" She mumbled beneath the masking tape gag... "Hah! You sure will do what I want.." The onscreen Cartman laughed.. Real life Cartman who we were unfortunately sat next to was obviously getting very sexually excited re-watching his disgusting exploits.. "BUTTERS GET IN HERE AND LEAVE VLADIMIR PUTIN ALONE!" Cartman bellowed... Butters suddenly ran into the room, desperate to not be the next person Cartman unleashed his anger on...

"PLEASE DONT KILL ME! I FUCKING BEG YOU!" The girl on the TV screen yelled, it was difficult to understand her as her mouth was so crudely gagged.. And then all of a sudden the onscreen Cartman sliced her throat from ear to ear... I nearly threw up.. Surely his mother knows about this? How can she just let her son do this? Cartman suddenly stuck his hands down his pants, turning the TV off. He obviously made himself excited enough to watch the next stage of his plan...

"Okay Butters! You kiss Tweek or I swear to god I will destroy you!" Cartman ordered.. Butters looked at me with a look of complete emptiness, he looked like he was blatantly following orders like many examples of the past; many examples of weak people who will follow those without question.. No wonder Adolf Hitler is Cartman's idol, because the said Fatass nearly manages to eclipse the darkness of the Nazi leader... Suddenly Butters grabbed me and forced me into a very violent, sexual kiss.. It was nothing like the way me and Craig did it, For one Craig didn't touch me all over like Butters was now doing.. I hate to sound disgusting but I kind of liked it.. Something about watching my number one enemy and my lover watching me making out with the hot blonde was really unnerving... I could hear the disgusting sound of Cartman masturbating a few metres away from me...

"That's fucking right! Kiss that retarded slut!" Cartman ordered, his panting and heavy breathing a disgusting sound for anyone to have to listen to.. Craig just sat with his face in his hands not knowing what to really make of the situation.. I hated that I was having to do this but at the same time it felt unnaturally good... I just wish Craig would take this much charge, Butters is an absoloute douche for giving his body to Eric Cartman but I gotta say he is an amazing kisser. Suddenly the little blonde broke away going to sit next to his evil master.. Cartman looked ridiculously pissed off and then suddenly he started to make noises like a cat being strangled.. "OHH GOD YES! JESUS! Holy shit jesus... Yes.." Cartman panted...

"Okay now give us the girl Cartman! We did your part of the deal!" Craig demanded, he looked just about ready to kick Cartman's ass into next Sunday.. It took a while for the Fatass to maintain his composure.. He was still sat there looking as though he had just walked for 25 miles... "Shit! Take the girl whatever! I made $500 off her.." Cartman muttered...

"But Eric! Your mom aint here for 2 weeks! Who's gonna cook?" Butters asked, he looked very confused as to who was gonna wait on him and Cartman hand and foot.. It was strange to see such a good natured boy being drawn down the path of darkness. It was kinda like the real life version of what happened to Darth Vader in a way.. Kevin Stoley would fucking cheer for me saying that but hey ho... "YOU'LL FUCKING COOK FOR ME! DUMB BITCH! YOU'LL DO WHATEVER I WANT!"" Cartman bellowed.. Butters just quickly stuttered over his apologies and went into the kitchen to finish off Cartman's pie...

Cartman called for Tatiana to come into the living room, he explained to her she was no longer his slave and she could spread her wings and live her life... She broke down in uncontrollable tears.. She begged us to remove her from the house as quickly as possible... She quickly got together a really beat up looking handbag and stuffed what little clothing she had into it... She put on a little makeup to try and hide the bruising and we were all out of there very quickly. Craig kept throwing me a look of contempt for making out with Butters but this girl's life is important.. She's some Russian immigrant who shouldn't have to blindly follow Eric Cartman's perverted standard...

"S-sweetie I can send you anywhere right now.. Do you wanna go home? To Russia?" I asked, I repeated the question in Russian so she would better understand me.. I had explained to Craig I know every language in the world but it still astounded him every time I talked in a foreign tongue... "I want to go to Los Angeles.. The Angel City.. Mother said in the old country a hot woman can make money.. Lots of it..." She quickly muttered... She also promised not to expose me as a Witch.. Apparently back in Siberia her neighbour Nadia was a Witch.. Either that or she's lying; Myself I wouldn't be able to talk straight after having to live at Cartman's house... I healed up her bruises, replaced her lost hair and gave her an outfit of the most recent fashion..

I snapped my fingers and just like that she was gone... I sure hope LA treats her nicer than South Park did.. If anything I doubt that, sure they might make you famous and give you a reality TV show but as soon as you hit 40 you can just kiss your career goodbye.. And that girl had to be at least 27 so she was really running out of time... Craig just looked glad the whole ordeal was over.. I could say the same, I felt really bad how Butters had sparked something.. I mean I felt like a real traitor, damn that Cartman and his perverse ways.

"You know you didnt have to look like you were enjoying that.. I thought you were gonna start sucking his dick at one point.." Craig snapped, he was obviously real pissed off with Cartman's later ploy, not that I wouldnt if the shoe was on the other foot I would be taking it way worse.. I would probably be screaming my head off like the local madman...  
>"Look Craig i'm sorry! You know I love you! Cartman made me!" I protested, he still didn't look convinced though.. Then suddenly I saw an idea forming in the back of his head...<p>

"Well Stan Marsh keeps bragging about how he's fucked Wendy and Kyle.. How about I just finish what Butters started?" Craig suggested giving me the eye.. Well I suppose it's the least I can do... Just stay calm Tweek I'm sure he hasn't got AIDS... He's a virgin like me so I should be okay.. OH MY GOD! WHAT IF IT GETS ONLINE! TOO MUCH PRESSURE!

"GAH! Okay! But I'm doing this for you!" I yelped, Craig just looked happy that he knew I loved him.. I always would because he was a nice guy who actually treated other people with respect and courtesy.. The same couldn't be said about Eric Cartman.. God help poor Butters he is surely gonna be dead or in that cellar within a few months.. Craig outstreched his hand and I decided to zap us back to my house... "I gotta check Mom and Dad aren't here!" I muttered a little too loudlly... I seriously need a coffee I mean Craig wants to do things to my ass! I quickly conjured up a nice latte and when I was sure there was nobody around I went back up to my room.. Craig was on the bed completely naked.. Okay I just gotta chill out and go with it... We started making out and he literally destroyed what clothing I had on.. I'm glad I can just whip some more up later; I mean clothes are expensive!

Then suddenly he put his mouth around my weiner.. Ohh my god.. Wow I was freaked out about this? This is freaking awesome! Craig kept on doing what he was doing and I felt as though I was dying of fever.. But in a really good sensual sort of way... "Ohhh yeah!" I heard myself moaning.. Okay Tweek no need to be a slut... Chiiiiiilllll...

"Yeah you like that?" Craig asked, I sure do like that.. I like that alot.. With a capital A I shall add... He carried on doing it and as I can remember I think that was my first orgasm.. Either that or the most potent.. I had to grit my teeth or I'd end up sounding like Lianne Cartman. Which is not something I would advocate...

Then Craig suggested I do it for him... I was kinda nervous but he did it for me and I believe you can't just hoodwink someone out of something.. Craig was really huge, like he would really emasculate a few of those online pornstars.. And that's meant to go in my ass.. Shiiit! So I decided to just get it over with and I put his privates in my mouth... Craig looked alot happier than when he was watching Red Racer so I was obviously doing a 5 star job.. "Ohh shit Tweekers.. Wow you sure you aint done this before?" He asked, in a very breathy and emotional voice that was nothing like his usual monotone mumbling.. I could only shake my head because my mouth was kind of full but we wont go there...

"Okay shit! Stop stop!" Craig suddenly interuptted. Crap I must be doing it wrong or something.. Trust me to screw it up, Coffee and Witchery I suppose are the only two things I'm really good at.. Which is a shame because I was just getting into the vibe.. "W-was I doing it wrong?" I heard myself asking... I really need to stop talking all the time, No wonder people call me a chatterbox... "Naah baby it's fucking awesome.. But if you carry on I cant give you any dessert!" Craig flirted, running his fingers through my hair... I instinctively turned around and got on all fours... This feels really bad and cheap but at the same time feels so right.. I'm glad I didn't have to do this with Butters whilst Cartman was watching... Then suddenly i felt it.. Jesus christ that really hurts man! No wait...Yeahh that's what im on about... I just lay there and took it like I was Tara Reid...

"Yeah that's right! You fucking like that dontcha!" Craig muttered, all I could do was moan like a cat giving birth... Shit I cant believe I was so freaked out by this whole concept... It went on for quite a long time.. I say the time on the alarm clock go from 8:37 to 9:15... "Shit I'm gonna cum Tweekers!" Craig suddenly exclaimed... He carried on banging me for a few more seconds and then that was it... I could feel it all inside me and wow that is just it! "Mmn yeah!" I groaned.. I'd been keeping my mouth shut for a very long time so it was nice to get a word in... After that we just lay on my bed and in the pool of resulting lovemaking.. Not that I cared for alot more of it was inside my body.. "Wow! By the way did I last so long because of your powers or something?" Craig suddenly asked... "Naah I didn't move one finger.." I repleid honestly... Craig just burst into insane maniacal laughter; he seemed really amused by his own capacity.. "Well that's a miracle.. You're so damn hot I'm suprised I lasted 5 minutes..." Craig giggled... I started laughing too.. When he lit his cigarette I decided to smoke some of it.. They say it's a traditional after sex thing.. I can't mess with traditions man! Obama is watching me!

We just lay there and watched the sky turn to an inky black.. When Craig fell asleep I felt I needed a shower.. I also needed something to eat and a cup of coffee.. And also another strange craving; I knew in my head I was going cold turkey off the hit of nicotine but I won't even acknowledge that.. As I sat watching the TV I just realised in my head that I lost my virginity.. Sure i was ridiculously underage but I was glad I lost it to the right person.. I would have been totally ashamed if I had done it with Butters...

I suppose all things workout for the best in the end... That's one of the things about life; Just when you think it's shit faced you and left you for dead there's a cloud with a silver lining..  
>My head went back to what just happened.. It was crazy and probably wouldnt have happened without the intervention of Cartman; but I'm sure glad it did happen.. Because now I aint got no doubts that Craig is just playing me around. I know now he wont leave me for the first Darcy, Lisa or Mary with big tits who walks around the corner...<p>

For that I was really glad.. At least i thought I was glad... Maybe theres another word for it.. I dont know I just guess I was content...

A:N/ Well that was almost as steamy as Tommy Lee and Pammy! So they've both finally done it? What about Cartman and his perverted desire? Butters just isnt enough for Fatass.. He wants to get the whole of South Park involved in his sexual depravity...

Loove,,

Sally xx 


	19. Chapter 19

A:N/ What's in store this time for the people of South Park?  
>Don't own any of the above entitled properties..<br>Not making any money...

Craig's POV: I can't believe that last week I had sex with Tweek, I mean I always thought he'd be way too nervous to even think about doing it... Not that I agree with what Cartman did.. I mean in the space of a week Butters has gone from a real quiet little nobody to a litte asshole ... The dynamics in our class have really changed.. One day Cartman said to Stan, Kyle and Kenny that they were worthless and he needed more... So now Cartman's gang consisted of him, Buttters, Kevin Stoley and Bradley Biggles.. Strangely enough Stan and those guys didn't seem to mind.. They now had Bebe Stevens as the 4th member of their group, which made them slightly unique as no one else in the school had a girl in their gang or vice versa. I cant believe for a minute they hired her because of her strong moral views and supreme intelligence, if Bebe didn't have huge rocking boobs she wouldn't even get a look in.

Me and Tweek decided to sit on our own, Clyde was real pissed off that Bebe decided to leave him and Token was pissed off about some racist guy on the TV.. Cartman was spreading his disgusting vile lies to his disciples.. They were hanging off his every word; I have no idea how he fucking does it.. I mean most people listening to the garbage Cartman comes out with would be able to tune it out, but there's something about the Fatass he can worm his way into your brain and by the time you've figured out its far too late.

"So you see you guys; you can never trust anyone who's Jewish.. They will fucking bleed you dry for every damn cent!" Cartman ranted, once again glad to have an audience for his racist rubbish.. Everytime Cartman came out with something Butters was acting like some sort of prop, like one of those young kids they get to preach on stage in the South...  
>"YOU TELL EM ERIC!" Butters cheered.. Wow this has just proved that Butters is both really stupid and will follow anyone.. Not to mention he's a hoe I mean screwing Cartman out of choice? Really? "But wait Cartman if you hate Jews so much why did you hang round Kyle Broflovski all those years?" Kevin asked naively.. He hadn't hanged around with Cartman long enough to know that follow up questions were one of the worst things ever when it came to conversing with the Fatass.<p>

"God damn it Kevin.." Was all Cartman said... He put his face in his hands and went back to talking on the phone... Tweek was sat right next to me with his head on the table.. I decided to discontinue my eavesdropping, Cartman's disgusting garbage is enough to give someone diabetes... It took me a while to realise that Tweek was actually asleep.. Which was rare as he barely ever slept, mind you he's got a stronger metabolism and body than the average Joe so that just says it all... Once again I found myself being drawn back into Cartman's little conversation on the next table.. All I can say is if Cartman was a rapper he'd surely have a Grammy by now because he comes out with shit that's way more entitled than most of the stuff on the Billboard chart...

"You see guys I truly believe I am god... I am collecting funds to start my own church... But! You guys have to pay a small $15 entrance fee.." Cartman ranted on, his own church? Jesus Christ this is absoloute madness! What would his religion be based on? Violence, Racism and General Asshole-ness? Butters once again started preaching the word of Cartman.. "Fellas you gotta join Cartman's church! His Mom gives me free food!" Butters rambled, he was starting to take on even the same sort of vocal pattern as Cartman.. 3 minutes of bullshit followed by 3 minutes of awkward silence...  
>"Umm so what is your church called Cartman?" Kevin asked... The Star Wars obsessed kid would just never learn, you never ask Cartman questions unless he is in a relatively good mood; which is so rare you're more likely to see a white rhino in the wild...<br>Cartman looked as though he was about to have one of his signature explosions, but suddenly his unhealthy red skin turned back to a more normal skin toned sort of shade.. He was carefully formulating his answer in his mind...

"Well I have infact decided to name my church the Socialist Angelism Alliance... Or SAA for short... Not that's any of your fucking business Kevin!" Cartman barked.. And once again Butters was singing Cartman's praises; desperate to defend the one person who seemed to care for him... Damn was he confused, Cartman only cared for himself, money and ultimate power.. "Yeah Kevin.. Gee it's Eric's business.. I mean what sort of fucking question is that?" Butters spat.. I'd never known him to be so upfront and aggresive; just another example of how hanging around with Cartman too long and absorbing his bullshit could screw with your head...

"YOU DONT SPEAK FOR ME BITCH! SHUT YOUR DIRTY MOUTH!" Cartman exploded, waving his hand in front of Butters' face as though he was the biggest scum on Earth... Butters suddenly went real quiet.. He was begging for Cartman's forgiveness trying to convince him that yes he was God and he agreed with every single word.. When Cartman was sure Butters was still loyal he apologised as well. Kevin and Bradley just sat there as though they were watching some crazy TV show... Needless to say Cartman could easily eclipse some of the most boring, strange and craziest shit on the TV...

"E-eric you still trust me right? You know I'd never go against the word of God..." Butters mumbled, desperate for his only 'friend' to accept him again and actually value him.. Cartman was once again formulating his reply in his mind... You knew that it would be a deadly few minutes because whatever you got coming back at you was surely crazy and uncalled for... Cartman was just about to open his mouth when suddenly he stopped; once again he was thinking of something to say... Just before he was about to start speaking his former group of friends decided to sit next to him... Kyle looked desperate for some sort of confrontation.. I trust that without Cartman those three must be bored as shit...

"Hey fatass!" The three of them, excluding Bebe chimed. As they all sat down you could see Cartman's true disgust starting to rise.. I'm so sure a massive fight is gonna break out, I mean when Cartman has said he's had enough of you the best thing to do is take his advice and avoid him. Annie Nelson made that mistake last year, yeah she hated Cartman but she couldn't stop going back for more... I'm sure Kyle is in the same situation, not having to deal with Cartman's constant aggresion has surely made his life too quiet and boring..

"What the fuck do you guys want? This is a private SAA meeting.. I thought I told you I was done with you guys? Plus you got Slutty McGee over here so I dont understand.." Cartman growled, he threw Bebe a look of contempt who sensibly just decided to ignore him and add to the 5lbs of makeup she already had on her face... I swear her eyelashes look like a dead bluebottle is sleeping on her eyes.. "Well Cartman we've been your friend for years... Even though your a complete asshole we still need you.." Stan suddenly came out with...  
>Sorry what? They've finally been given the chance to be done with Cartman and yet they still want more? Has Cartman cooked up a new drug that makes people obsessed with his nonsense? I just dont fucking get it man... If that guy moved to Idaho those 3 bastards would probably go looking for him...<p>

"Look Cartman I fucking hate your guts.. Like if you died I would shit on your grave; but I need you.. I still count you as my friend in some respect..." Kyle muttered, obviously hating having to come out with the truth that the three of them missed him.. You couldn't understand what Kenny said because he was eating.. Cartman looked disgusted by this act of human emotion you could practically see him gagging... He was trying to think of a strong enough comeback so he could get back to perverting his new disciples...

"Well I'm sorry if you guys just realised i'm the smartest, sexiest and most charming guy in the whole word... But I have business to take care of." Cartman plainly exclaimed, waving his hands at the three boys as though they were filth.. The 3 of them exchanged looks, Bebe was clearly bored so she went to sit with Wendy and the girls.. Kyle was about to come out with one of his comebacks but managed to silence himself.. Cartman just laughed at the whole affair... Then suddenly Butters decided to get out of his seat...

"Don't you dare gosh darn it! How dare you talk to Eric like that! He is the re-incarnation of Jesus Christ!" Butters barked, obviously completely taken aback by how the three boys were pleading with Cartman.. They just threw him a look of complete suprise... I was quite suprised as well, Cartman had managed to completely indoctrinate Butters into his regime.. He brainwashed that kid until there just wasn't anything left.. I mean I am suprised Butters still believes all this rubbish.. Sooner or later Cartman is just gonna stick him in a bomb shelter again, sadly though the Stotch boy seemed to be the only person who wasn't aware of this fact...

"Holy shit Butters! Chill the hell out!" Stan mumbled, clearly suprised at Butters' new self confidence, albeit a self confidence backed by the biggest jerk of all time but hey I guess all people have got their hang ups.. It was at this point that Tweek woke up, he could tell by my distracted demeanour that something big was happening.. He went around to the other side of our table to get a better look at the unfolding event... Butters was now screaming in a fashion very simmilar to his mother Linda, he proclaimed Stan the devil at least twice...

"YOU ARE SATAN! You don't deserve to hear the word of the almighty Cartman!" Butters ranted, his blind faith in the Fatass really astounding.. Soon Clyde and Token joined our table, we only exchanged brief eye contact we were all way too interested in Cartman and Butters' antics... Stan, Kyle and Kenny looked totally taken aback by how aggresive and violent the otherwise harmless and laughable kid had become.. Butters was starting to get real angry.. The look on Cartman's face just said it all; he seemed so glad to be working his way into someone's head.. Stan seemed the most offended, yeah he had picked on Butters' numerous times but always made out he wanted to help...

"Yes! That's right! Spread my Word!" Cartman laughed with glee, Butters started laughing insanely going back to sit with his misguided master, Kyle just had a look of pure confusion on his face not able to process any of it in a logical way.. Had to say I felt the same way, If I wasn't looking out for Tweek's interests I would go over there and get involved... Kenny then decided to take his hood down and speak up... He shook his head in a canine fashion, he had lots of fibres from the hood stuck in his unkempt hair...

"Look Cartman... You should be focusing on having sex with people not God.." Kenny mumbled, then he suddenly went back inside his tortoise's shell. That's the one thing I never understood about Kenny McCormick. He's one of the shyest people in South Park yet at the same time he is brashly over-confident and a real ladies' man.. It was one of those things in life you can just never really understand.. Like why E! gave Giuliana Rancic her own show when all she's ever done is badmouth other people...  
>Cartman burst out laughing, obviously truly offended by the blasphemous nature of Kenny's words.. Butters started laughing but Cartman quickly struck him across the face.. Something which suprised everyone even though we all knew full well what the fat bastard was capable of...<p>

"Aaah Kinny.. What a fool.. I think you fail to realise that I am God.. I AM THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS!" Cartman growled, his madness and pure insanity clear for all to see.. I mean I just wanna say I think Cartman is more likely the re-incarnation of Charles Manson or Jim Jones.. God is alot smarter than to mix his DNA with someone as crazy and mentally disturbed as Cartman.. Kenny, Stan and Kyle took a while to process this information.. I mean yeah it was obvious Cartman was mad; we'd all known that since pre-school but now it was clearly evident just how far Cartman had sunk into madness. And now he'd taken Butters, Kevin and Bradley with him...

"Okay just scew this.. I am not getting involved with this.. You cheated at the Special Olympics, You tried to start war with China.. But this is too far Cartman... I'm out.. Stan, Kenny if you guys still wanna hang around with this asshole you're both mad.." Kyle muttered, obviously unable to put up with any more of Cartman's bullshit.. Cartman just laughed, the retreating Jew was a simple pleasure of his but a strong one... A few seconds after that Stan and Kenny awkwardly exited, badmouthing Cartman as soon as they were out of his earshot...  
>"Crazy asshole! Thank god we don't have to put up with him no more.." Stan jibed, but this was obviously bullshit cause not 20 minutes ago they were begging to be accepted back into the fold... Within a few weeks I'm sure Cartman will humour them, for one of his infamous deals no doubt...<p>

After that the conversation just went real quiet.. Kevin and Bradley said they had to go and do an afternoon detention with Mr Mackey.. Cartman and Butters were supposed to go as well but everyone wants to avoid the two of them at the minute.. They are like Rihanna and Chris Brown both completely bad for the other but they just can't stay apart.. Everyone was looking at the two of them conversing.. If you could call it that; in reality Cartman was just using Butters as an excuse to randomly rant and talk to himself.. This bizzare act only being accompanied by an occasional reply from Cartman's new puppet...  
>"I mean god damn it Butters! Can you believe they put a Jewish guy in charge of Atlanta! Damn mayors who needs em!" Cartman ranted, Butters was trying to find something of equal malice to say but could only reply with "I know right! I so agree Eric!"... Cartman looked intently disgusted with the lack of gusto in the boy's voice. He spent another 20 minutes explaining how you needed to work hatred into every facet of your life.. Cartman then claimed to be over half a million years old.. Butters being the stupid idiot he is obviously accepted all of this as fact.. I just can't wait until he realises he's been led on by a complete psychopath.. I mean these two have had this thing for years... Cartman uses Butters for his own needs, said blonde usually ignores him for a month and then all of a sudden they are back in each other's pockets...<p>

"Well Eric you look real young considering! Do you use the same Avon cream my Mom's got?" Butters asked, his curiosity the one thing Cartman hadn't been able to mold and destroy.. Cartman's look of disgust was once again rising, but then you could see he was slowly calming down... He knew he had to be slightly friendly to his new disciple..  
>"Yeahh I do Butters.. Praise me as the almighty god and praise the Avon company!" Cartman ranted... "Praise Eric! Praise Avon!"" Butters squeaked, he was like a parrot on Cartman's shoulder these days...<p>

The two of them then decided to walk off, the silence in the room quickly evaporated.. Cartman and Butters were definitely the hottest thing on the topic of gossip at school this week. Not to mention Cartman's new church.. All I can say is if there was ever a better time for the CIA to deal with Cartman this was it...  
>Clyde and Token said they were gonna get back to class to avoid Mr Garrison's drunken insults.. I couldn't be bothered with it but I dont wanna leave school without no experience under my belt.. As we walked in it was apparent Butters and Cartman were nowhere to be seen.. Garrison spent a full half an hour complaining about it; he was saying for every absent kid he lost $20 off his paycheck... "I mean what am I gonna do children? I can't succeed as a man or woman.. Might as well fucking drink myself to death.. Oh and get this! Turned out my dad just hired someone to molest me the sick bastard!" Garrison ranted. He broke down in a Jersey Shore esque fit.. Crying uncontrollably as he sipped from his bottle of whiskey...<p>

Then suddenly there was some interference over the intercom.. "Whassup y'all! Any of you guys wanna join a cool new religion? Or if your hot enough do you wanna be a prostitute? Join the Eric Cartman Incorporated Hooker League and the SAA church today!" Cartman's raspy voice yelled, the interference from the mic was like somebody scratching their fingernails on a chalkboard real slowly.. "Yeah and if you join Eric's church I'll do sex things!" Butters added.. Holy shit Cartman just knows no bounds... "Join today for only the cheap starting offer of $39.95.. You get twenty minutes with Butters and a lifetime supply of the illegal item of your choosing." Cartman continued, his ridiculous propoganda really getting on everyone's nerves...

"Can someone shut that idiot up? Mr Garrison! Mr Garrison!" Wendy ordered, her sensible nature and high moral values starting to really be offended with the disgusting ideas coming out of his mouth. Mr Garrison was far too drunk to even acknowledge Wendy's existence.. She screamed into her hat and put her head on the table.. Cartman carried on for another hour about how he was willing to buy drugs, ciggarettes, beer and even firearms for anyone who joined his church.. He then explicitly stated no ugly girls, Jews, blacks or gingers could join... He even offered up free TV privileges at his house.. This is getting weird now, Cartman never shared his TV he was really going a long way to promote his misguided evil ways..  
>"JOIN MY GROUP TODAY! If you want sex, drugs and rock and roll Eric Cartman is your man!" Cartman ranted, after that the intercom went quiet... Thank god I thought we'd have to listen to that bullshit all day...<p>

A few minutes later the two afformentioned idiots walked back into class.. Everyone was starting to be real wary around Butters, he was starting to get a reputation as Cartman's spy... "Gee hey fellas!" He exclaimed happily, waving his hand at everyone in the room.. Usually people would tell him to shut up but now that he was second in command to Cartman people just stayed silent... Being involved in Cartman's business is freaky enough for most people to be sensible enough to just ignore everything he's about... Butters threw everyone a disgraced look and went to sit next to Cartman, Kevin and Bradley at the back...

"C-craig.. Did Cartman start a church or something?" Tweek suddenly asked me, breaking my line of conecentration.. Not that I should be concentrating on those two idiots but still..  
>"Tweekers dont worry about it.. Just fatass being fatass." I glibly replied... Garrison was sat his desk vomiting into the trash can he kept next to his desk.. He smoked a couple of ciggarettes and then went off into a massive rant about how he wanted to sue the school for improper payment.. No offense but I wouldn't pay that jackass anything, he's just being paid to spread his misguided views and drink heavily... "Well you know what Cartman's like." Tweek muttered.. I could'nt be bothered to think about it right now...<p>

When school finished I decided to stay at Tweek's... Not that Mom or Dad would give a shit.. They are probably kicking the shit out of each other as we speak... Ruby was staying round at her friend's house and I had to pick her up in the morning.. Good job I do care for her deep down or I would seriously just tell her to fuck off an call a taxi... Me and Tweek spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV... We did have sex once, I didn't mean for it to happen it's just one of those things that can happen... As we were sat there on the couch with only an old throwover blanket covering our modesty I could see Tweek thinking intently...

"Whats on your mind?" I found myself asking in my usual bored voice.. I dont mean to sound like I dont give a shit I was just born with it.. I mean I could be really interested in what somebody was saying and they could take it as though I couldn't care less.. Tweek looked up at me and said "I just don't think Cartman should be allowed to make his own church."

"We aint getting involved... Let Fatass and Butters sort their own shit out.. Seriously just thinking about those two makes me want to vomit.." I replied with a tone I found way too serious for my liking.. At least when I sound unconvinced and bored I can slightly deal with the situation.. Tweek just went quiet.. He manifested a pair of clothes for himself and went to make some coffee.. I was still naked and smoking a pack of ciggarettes...

As I was sat there I was thinking about everything I'd ever seen and heard in my life.. I just like to contemplate in moments like these.. I suppose I have always been one of those people who gets on best with my own company... I just sat there for a while and thought about the world, the only distinct reminder of reality the ciggarette that was burning away in the ashtray on the table...

A:N/ So Cartman and Butters started their own church? Mel Gibson would be proud.. Will the two boys manage to enslave all of South Park with their extreme views?  
>Find out next time hunii's<p>

Love,  
>Sally xo<p>


	20. Chapter 20

A;N/ So Cartman started his own church? Craaazy ;P Don't own South Park or Bewitched I aint makin no money...

Craig's POV: A month had passed since Cartman announced the formation of his new church... Not a lot of people joined at first but then people from other towns like Greeley and Connifer started coming to South Park to listen to Cartman's rubbish.. Only about 7 kids from our school were in Cartman's group, on his pimp business he now had a lot of girls who were teenage runaways working for him.. Within the space of weeks Cartman had amassed a small fortune... Not that he didn't throw it around in everyone's faces.. I mean only last Friday he was walking around the cafeteria flaunting his gold like he was 50 Cent... Stan Kyle and Kenny made numerous attempts to try and get back in contact with the Fatass but every time he waved them off on their way...

Tonight's kinda important to me though because Tweek's aunt and cousin are coming round to stay at his house while Sarah and Richard go to this convention up in South Dakota...  
>It's gonna be real nervewrecking for me meeting members of Tweek's extended family... I mean I've only met his folks so far, he did say he only had his parents and this aunt left so it was gonna be quite exciting... I was smoking weed with Kenny for quite a while, don't worry your conservative nature I'm not a drug addict.. I'm just not a nerd like Scott Malkinson so yeah.. "You know something Tucker?" Kenny suddenly asked, breaking me from my internal haze and the music in the background.. He's not usually that talkative so I decided to listen.. "Yeah what Ken?" I replied, I tried to sound as interested as I possibly could but like always I sounded like an angry jerk.. I mean I'm happy man shit! It's weird but what are you gonna do...<p>

"I'm just wondering what Cartman is doing now.. I mean sooner or later he's gonna come crawling back to us guys... I mean Butters is a complete nerd! What the hell!" Kenny mumbled, I had to listen real hard because even when he isnt hiding in his hood, he has one of those real quiet voices.. Like something out of a horror movie or something.. He was obviously pissed off that Cartman just went his own way... Weird how those guys still care about Cartman on one level, I mean he has destroyed so many lives time upon time... "Kenny you shouldn't give a shit about Cartman.. I fucking hate that douchebag so much.." I muttered.. It was the truth though and everyone knew it.. Cartman must be real good at controlling peoples heads I mean everyone in town hates him but he still keeps us all hanging on wondering what he's gonna do next... It's really stupid and inconceivable...

"I mean what the fuck is he doing hanging around with those three? And can I just say Butters is like Cartman's shadow now... It is so fucked up..." Kenny ranted, he was obviously getting quite high now, his brother Kevin spent all his wages on marijuana and beer; I mean if the welfare people heard about this the McCormicks would be out of this house quicker than lightning... It was interesting listening to how much of a hold Cartman had on Kenny, not to mention on Stan and Kyle... I wanted to just tell Kenny to ignore Cartman but it would be no use.. That fat bastard is such a slimy manipulative fucker he could probably worm his way back in after stabbing your kids to death...

"Well hate to rain on his parade but Cartman and Butters are probably making the beast with two backs right now.." I heard myself mumbling, so I broke their secret? So what Kenny isn't a loudmouth even if he does gossip about it he'd never put me in the middle of it.. I mean Kenny is as much a douchebag as the other three but we do have some sort of weird friendship.. He just looked at me as though as I was completely mad and then after it sunk in he started laughing maniacally... Bit of an over-reaction but this is Kenny we're talking about.. "No fucking way dude! I knew Butters was a fruit loop but Cartman? Really? Fucking shit dude..." Kenny laughed, he quickly explained that he didn't care either way but it was still a huge shock seeing as how Cartman seemed to hate homosexuals more than anything else...

Shit Kenny should have seen how suprised I was when Cartman demanded that we take Butters round his house.. Cartman has even managed to mess with Linda Stotch's head and convince her that terrorists have a bomb at her house... Of course she sent Butters round to Lianne Cartman's to stay with his 'BFF'.. God if only they knew what Cartman was truly capable of .. I mean fuck I knew Linda Stotch was a nosey and god-fearing woman but trusting her son around Cartman for more than 25 minutes.. Wow that is fucking crazy...  
>I mean that is honestly fucking crazy, I wouldn't let my kids hang around Cartman I mean he is dangerous and mentally unstable.. I mean anyone who didnt grip that fact must have an IQ of about 47... I mean Butters is one of the cleverest kids in class but he is so naive and trustworthy that Cartman has managed to completely brainwash him into doing everything he wants...<p>

I spent another 25 minutes talking about all my problems with Kenny, he's just one of those people who sits back and listens, he's like the town therapist in a way I guess, I mean it's really crazy how Kenny just wants to listen to everyone's problems.. Well I guess his folks are so crazy he's got nothing better to do than listen to other people's problems, I guess all people have to have one thing that they do.. I told him at one point I had to go but he insisted I stayed another 10 minutes.. His brother came back and threw four sealed packages on Kenny's bed.. Kenny and his brother then got into a really long conversation, when they were both distracted I decided to make my exit... As I was walking down the street it seemed more cold than usual, I don't know why but that pleased me for some reason, I mean the coldness of the air just makes you feel alive in some ways...

When I got back to Tweek's he was vacuuming and crazily cleaning everything, then he repeated the it again but with witchcraft.. It was amusing to watch I must admit.. He kept stressing that everything had to be clean, polished and perfect.. Well I guess I admired that because my house was an absoloute mess, Mom and Dad were too busy drinking and holding onto former glories to bother with such menial tasks and housework and general stuff like that... It was quite amazing to see how OCD Tweek was but I wouldn't dare comment on it.. Only last week he turned me into a cat for messing his room up.. It was not a lot of fun.. I couldn't talk or convince someone I was actually a guy in a cat's body... I mean shit that sounds like something off a FOX sitcom...

"Look Aunt Betty and my cousin Tavian are gonna be here soon.. I just dont want everything to be messy..." Tweek muttered, clearly getting real stressed out and on edge. He spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning the house while I sat watching TV.. Nothing but pointless crap on but hell it's better than manual labor! At about 5:45 Tweek came down exhausted and sat next to me on the sofa... "Jesus! This house was so filthy! Mom and Dad need to clean more man!" Tweek squeaked, he manifested himself a cup of coffee and a pack of ciggarettes for me. One thing I do love about our crazy little union is how we'd never run out of the essentials.. Shit Karl Rove would have a field day if he met Tweek...  
>I decided to keep quiet and keep my opinions to myself, Tweek was real on edge so it was obvious his Aunt Betty and cousin were real neat freaks...<p>

Only 20 minutes after Tweek sat down the doorbell rang.. He got up and spent a few minutes going over boring chit chat... Then suddenly his Aunt and cousin came in.. Either that or they are two transients off the street.. The latter of which is impossible as they were both real stylish... Especially the cousin.. If you looked closer him and Tweek were nearly identical but the cousin's eyes were more blue than green and he had hair that was almost as black as my own... "Tweek it has been a while!" His aunt sang, she seemed to be a real nice carefree lady.. "Sup cuz.." The raven haired cousin muttered, obviously very bored.. South Park must seem like a real shithole if you came from Brooklyn like these two...  
>"Ohh so this is what's his name? If you mistreat my nephew boy I will freeze you in an Alaskan glacier!" The woman suddenly huffed, looking at me as though I was a real player...<br>Hmmn seems first impressions are not always correct.. The cousin also gave me a look of disdain, shit it's like looking at Tweek in a black wig... I suddenly had a thought of a threesome with them both but quickly got that idea out of my head... Sure if this was the Deep South...

"Look ma'am with all due respect i'm in this for the long haul..." I said plainly... She seemed unconvinced by my words, this aint the usual in laws though so I had to keep my middle finger and my big mouth to myself... She instead ordered Tweek's cousin to get out the fine china.. He then made some really expensive china teacups just appear out of nowhere.. Even after all this time plain witchery still confuses me.. Thank god it's 2014 though because I doubt people would be so happy about me consorting with witches in the 16th century.. Not that anyone knows me and Tweek are together or that he's a witch.. I mean all the guys would have a field day with both concepts...

"So tell me about yourself? Umm whats your name again?" Tweek's cousin asked me... Rude but I have to try and be polite, I don't quite want to be an inanimate object or an animal for the next few nights.. "Craig John Tucker and yourself?" I said plainly, Tweek threw me a look of disdain.. Hmmn seems these guys don't even like plain hints of sarcasm but ohh well...  
>"Tavian... I won't even bother telling you my surname you'd surely die trying to pronounce it..." He replied without much conviction... It's okay I can be a bitch as well... Chill Craig this is only for a few nights... "And that's my Mom Betty..." He added... Tweek's aunt simply waved her hand as though I was some common serf who was taking up her time...<p>

The three of them exchanged conversation for a few hours, I just decided to sit in silence and try and make a few comments when neccesary.. I mean I aint all that talkative but I can't stand not getting my word in.. The three of them carried on talking the night away while I just sat and listened.. Eventually Aunt Betty decided that she wanted to go to bed... Her and Tavian exchanged their pleasantries and she went on her way... "Soo Craig? What do you wanna talk about?" Tweek mumbled, suddenly taking me out of my silence...

I couldn't really think of anything to say.. I had to think of something to say.. It was hard because I was still really baked from that expensive weed at Kenny's... "Umm I dont know man what do you wanna talk about?" I replied with a lack of interest... Tavian just laughed and again took the lead with the conversation.. He seemed real amazed that Tweek was dating a mortal like me as he put it... Tweek then went on for an hour about how he didn't care, He was half mortal himself so unlike his cousin and Aunt he would lead a much shorter life...  
>I mean sure by the time I'm 82 god willing I live that long Tweek will surely still look 25 but I don't care one bit...<p>

"You must be an amazing lover.. I would never date a mortal myself... Our foreplay can go on for decades it's that intense..." Tavian mumbled, haha I could show that kid a thing or two.. But I only care about one person so some other mortal is gonna have to show that witch, I mean Bitch what we are capable of... "Decades? Wow I'd tell you to go back to the kitchen." I laughed, yeah quite a strong and controversial joke for the present company, but I'm not really that bothered...

Tweek and his cousin both threw me a look of absoloute disgust.. I thought they were both gonna curse me but luckily I just got a good old fashioned telling off.. They both went back into their conversations and I saw that I had a text.. It was off an unknown number so I'll ive you 3 chances to guess who it is...

'Come to my house... I've made a huge mistake.. Me and Butters killed some chick and I aint got no space in my yard,  
>Cartman' Was all the text read... Anyone in their right mind would report this to the cops.. But in a town like South Park the police are so incompetent there is just no point.. This is surely one of the few towns left in the States that just allows its people to take the law into their own hands...<p>

Great... Burying a body.. Only in this town could my night get more fucked up.. I quickly deleted Cartman's incriminating text... I told Tweek and his cousin I had to go somewhere quickly.. They seemed only two pleased to be left alone to their little conversation.. As I walked down the street I contemplated what was happening.. Cartman had just asked me to come and bury someone.. I had to do it though otherwise Cartman would do something to make me regret it...

I walked down the street, always aware of the constant darkness, not alot of the street lamps are functional in this town anymore.. I mean no wonder murder and rape has shot through the roof.. A lot of it is thanks to Cartman but now people are just following his lead.. I'm surely the only person who's stupid enough to walk on my own through this town at 01:30 in the morning...

I just hope Cartman doesn't expect me to do anything else after this.. He has had about five favours off me now.. Fucking asshole honestly.. He'll just never stop...

A:N/ Have Cartman and Butters finally gone too far? Will Craig convince them to see reason? What about Tavian? Can Craig deal with Cartman and also deal with the charms of a saboteur? Find out next time my lovelies ;) xx

Love,

Sally xoxo


	21. Chapter 21

A:N/ So Cartman has some more dastardly suprises in store, what can Craig do to alleviate the insane situation?  
>Don't own South Park or Bewitched...<p>Craig's POV:<p>

As I was walking down the street that night I could feel a vibe of total emptiness, South Park is like a ghost town after midnight everyone is safe in their homes and here I am walking over to Eric Cartman's house.. I tell ya I must be mad, anyone else would give that fat jerk a piece of their mind but sadly I'm not one of those confrontational people...  
>As I approached the Cartman house I could tell that this was gonna be one of those crazy nights that you try your best to forget... The door was wide open and I could hear said Fatass and Butters screaming at each other trying to resolve the crazy situation that they had both found themselves in.. As soon as I entered the house you could see a dead girl lying on the floor... It looked as though somebody had clubbed her over the head, just another example of why if you mess with Cartman you could end up bleeding out in his lounge...<p>

"God damn it Butters! I told you we weren't exclusive and you fucking killed her! I mean your crazy! I need to be organised but this is chaos!" Cartman complained, Butters had broken down into a pool of tears, he was holding a brass candle holder that was still covered in the fresh blood of the girl lying on the floor... She was still bleeding profusely and Cartman's living room was starting to look like the set of an Eli Roth movie... Suddenly the girl stirred on the floor.. "KILL HER BUTTERS! SHE'LL HAND US IN!" Cartman roared... And just like that Butters madly brought the candle holder down on the girls head... They started to come out of their murderous frenzy when they saw me... "Ahh Craig your just in time.." Cartman muttered.. He didn't seem to care one bit that some young girl was dead on his floor.. I couldn't help but vomit, I'd never seen anything so violent and against nature in my whole life...

"Damn Butters you one ice cold motherfucker.." Cartman giggled, the afformentioned blonde was slumped over the dead body the look on his face that of someone who was in a state that was so euphoric they would find it very difficult to come back down... "Well your mine Eric... And any girl who stands in my way will end up like that.." Butters muttered ominously...  
>This is the same kid who was considered the biggest wuss in South Park, well I guess he proved us all wrong because now he had blood on his hands...<br>Cartman was struggling to formulate a plan in his mind.. I mean it's not every day you have to dispose of a human body.. Mind you Cartman has had to have killed at least 40 people by now so he's surely the expert... "Okay you guys.. I'm gonna cut this bitch up then we bury her in Stark's Pond.." Cartman wheezed, he sat down to try and regain his composure...  
>"Cartman I can't do this..." I heard myself saying... This situation was just way too fucked up for me to deal with.. No way am I putting some innocent girl under the ice...<p>

"Well gee Craig if me and Eric have got this right.. We texted you, we can prove you were involved... I mean gosh darn it we should work together.." Butters growled, the blood dripping down his face... Shit when Cartman fucks him off he is gonna have a serious wake up call... I was starting to sense the danger, both of them were armed; drunk and completely out of control... Suddenly Cartman produced a 9mm handgun.. "Yeah I think Butters is right.. Well we could report you or well you could end up at Stark's buried with this bitch..." Cartman threatened... He was waving the gun in my face as though he was the most powerful person in the entire world...

"Now Craig.. Sit the fuck down and dont do anything stupid... MOM! MOM! GET DOWN HERE!" Cartman ordered... Suddenly Lianne Cartman came running into the lounge wielding a chainsaw.. You can't be fucking serious? Surely theres a better mother-son activity than cutting up carcasses? Mrs Cartman started to cut the girl into numerous pieces, blood was covering the entire room now... Cartman helped his mother to get all the pieces into trash bags... "Poopsikins you deal with that dirty hooker while Mommy cleans the house.." Mrs Cartman muttered, she was starting to dis-infect everything... Cartman suggested that me and Butters help him carry the bags...

It was a long walk to Stark's Pond, Butters was constantly freaking out saying to Cartman that if he got caught we were both going down with him.. Cartman as always was in control of the situation though.. It was quite disgusting watching them embrace, knowing that evil, deception and deviancy was the only thing holding the unlikely pair together... As we reached Stark's Pond the fog hung low in the air... It was as though we were the only three people left on the planet... And just like that Cartman very un-ritualisticly threw the bags into the pond...  
>Just like that; that girl's life thrown away as though it was a food stamp or a single note of paper money... Wow how the hell Cartman can just get away with this shit I don't know...<p>

"Okay Craig now you get your reward... Butters strip.." Cartman ordered, suddenly Butters got completely naked... Wait is he being fucking serious?  
>Some girl is just dead and now they want to repay me for my help with a sexual favour? Wow these two are completely mad... I mean insanity runs in both their families but holy shit this just takes the biscuit...<br>"Come on Craig... I can suck your dick real fine.." Butters flirted, those big blue eyes undressing me metaphorically...  
>No way I aint getting more involved in this shit than I have to... "Sorry guys but the two of you will just have to exchange bodily fluids with each other..." I replied plainly...<br>"Ohh I'm sorry Craig did I ask you? No I told you.. Fuck Butters or I swear to God I'll make life real difficult for you two... Besides if you think I give a shit I don't... Eric Cartman dont do monogamy..." Cartman growled, he was obviously real displeased I showed no sexual attraction for his plaything...

Butters was nowhere near my type though, I'm not like Cartman I dont need to pretend a dude is a chick because I have a real fucked up idea of myself... I looked at the two of them and the madness in their eyes was plain to see... Suddenly Butters put his hands down my pants and I guess all logic and reason just left my head... I saw Cartman stick his hands down his pants watching the whole scene unfold... "You're gonna show me a real good time right?" Butters purred... Cartman just looked really turned on watching his bit on the side getting the business... When he put my dick in his mouth I saw stars... Cartman was starting to jerk himself off at a greater speed, obviously real turned on by the voyeuristic nature of the situation...

"Butters let Craig plow you... Don't disobey me bitch I'm God!" Cartman demanded... I was too caught up in the whole situation to think let alone protest... Suddenly Butters leaned over the rock next to the tree... I was too caught up in the situation to pull out of it now... "God damn it fuck him I said!" Cartman demanded... So that's what I did.. I entered the tiny blonde underneath me and for the next half an hour we rutted like beasts.. All under the watchfull perverted eyes of Eric Cartman...  
>Butters was making the same sort of noises the big black girls make in porn movies.. He was coming out with some of the most lewd disgusting things I have ever heard..<br>I mean sure when me and Tweek do it we exchange a few dirty words, but Butters sounded like a filthy prostitute which was ironic seeing as that is just what he's become...

"That's right fuck me! Ohh!" He moaned, Cartman was laughing an insane laugh.. He had came ages ago but he was still watching me plow the underweight blonde beneath me... Something snapped me out of my haze though, the thought of Tweek sat at home... Just imagining his face in my mind send me over the edge.. I emptied myself in Cartman's newest venture and sat down in the snow... Butters was still moaning like a classless sex crazed hoe... "Get your damn clothes on Butters.. Shit your worse than my mom!" Cartman complained.. "Gee Eric! I'm kinda all done over..." Butters replied simply.. These two shared some really strange conversations... I was now starting to regret what I'd done...

"So I trust you'll be keeping your mouth shut then?" Cartman asked in his usual evil tone of voice.. I just nodded my head, I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.. I wanted to get the scent of the Stotch boy off my skin.. I wanted to see Tweek.. Damn what have I done? I've fallen into the same trap Cartman fell into. Sure Cartman's the antagonist but I think Butters has proved he can be twice as evil when the situation arises...  
>I just wanted to get out of there so I started walking, I walked for what seemed like hours.. I didn't go back to Tweek's at first.. I just roamed around town seeing what I could see...<br>I sat outside Jim's Drugs and just observed everything in my peripheral vision.. I couldn't get the image of me inside Butters out of my head...

It was so different to how Tweek did it... Tweek just kinda took what he got, but Butters well it was obvious to see that Butters would do anything for 20 minutes of dick.. I mean he's fucking Eric Cartman for the sake of it so that just says volumes... I mean I never thought someone as shy and harmless as Butters would be a slut.. Or let alone join forces with Eric Cartman and not 1 hour ago bludgeon an innocent woman to death...

I just sat there looking at the night sky.. What can I say about Butters? He evaporated into my skin soaked through my veins flowed through my blood intoxicating me with his sick fascination and complete reliance upon Cartman.. I made a huge fucking mistake man.. Not just because of Tweek I mean like morally... I mean I just made love to someone who cracked an innocent girl's skull into a million pieces... I need to stop smoking weed so regularly.. It really impares my decision making i'll give it that...

As I got back to Tweek's house him and Tavian were still deep in conversation.. I let them both know that I was going to bed.. The night was just way too crazy to be doing with staying up and stuff like that.. I just wanted to shower, sleep and relax...

When I woke in the morning I saw Tweek lying next to me, aah one of the best sights in the world that... I just watched him sleeping, that crazy towheaded hair was all over the place, the dark circles firmly visible... I wouldn't trade this in for a million dollars.. I must be a fucking idiot honestly.. I mean Cartman wanted this to happen.. This is surely gonna keep him going all week, knowing I'm having this internal battle.. I decided to leave a note on Tweek's bedside table and go home.. I feel far too guilty to face him right now...

Mom and Dad were both completely wasted so I spent most of the day talking to my sister Ruby, eventually though even she got bored of my company and said her and her friends were gonna watch some live televised Justin Bieber concert or some dumb shit like that... So I decided to go and see Kenny... We exchanged our pleasantries and for the rest of the afternoon we smoked the sensimilia and talked about random shit.. It was all going real well.. Until Leopold 'Butters' Stotch turned up... Seems Cartman has a thing for weed now...

Kenny is obviously gonna be Cartman's number one customer, no one likes sleazy easy cheap sex like Kenny McCormick.. I mean I'm suprised he hasn't wrote the book on it...  
>He took Butters in the other room and I could hear the animalistic panting, only reminding me of my sin.. Surely within a few weeks these two are gonna start blackmailing people...<br>Butters demanded 5 grams of weed and just like that he was gone, struglling to walk straight after the seeing to Kenny gave him.. Damn that kid is gonna look back one day and regret all this shit... Mind you following Cartman's path I doubt he'll make it to 21... Fucking hell with the same sort of mental patterns as Cartman i'll be suprised if the hatred doesnt consume them before then...

"Wow in all fairness to Cartman he knows how to run a business." Kenny giggled, he was never in a better mood than after a sleazy sexual encounter. I didn't even voice my opinions because only the other night I was balls deep inside said blonde... In the end the awkwardness of the situation quenched whatever conversation we were having and I decided to leave... I left $25 for Kenny to pay for the weed.. Unlike Butters i'd rather come up with the money... Having sex with Kenny was really rolling the dice because he has had sex with thousands of different people..

I walked around town for a while, in the end I sat on top of the hill directly overlooking the centre of South Park.. As I sat there I thought about my life.. My hopes, my fears, my dreams..  
>Sadness and darkness are natural soulmates... I was starting to think about the sort of darkness that had enveloped Cartman and Butters...<br>All I knew for sure was they were both heading down a path that one could not simply choose to opt out of.. They had set their fates in motion...  
>One does not create darkness, it has to be manifested by a certain idea.. A certain phrase of mind...<br>I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness and I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under I yell for help but no one is there to hear it I begin to see the water at eye level and I can feel the darkness that hangs over this town..

Anyone can feel the dark atmosphere of this town you just gotta open your eyes and your heart and it soon becomes as noticeable as your own heartbeat...  
>I can't talk to nobody, I feel like nobody understands, Tweek is the only person who really understands but with my latest misfortune I feel as though I've hurt him in a way I cant comprehend...<p>

Craig you really fucked up this time buddy... Cartman will pay.. I just hope to God sooner or later Butters comes to his senses.. I just think it's far too late for him now..

A:N/ Craig screwed Butters? Damn is Cartman manipulative or what? Will Tweek forgive Craig? Find out next time hunii's

Lots of love for my fans,

Sally xo


	22. Chapter 22

A:N/ After a lot of harsh comments and despicable reviews I have decided to slightly tone down my story so as not to offend anyone..  
>If I did offend anyone I am really sorry and I am trying really hard to spell better...<br>Will Craig be able to get Tweek back? Will I get more scathing reviews? Haha lol idkk Enjoyyy

Craig's POV:

As I was sat there on the hill overlooking our small town I was just thinking about life prior to that moment... All the things I'd seen all the things I'd done... I mean right now all I've got is a packet with little Mary left in it so that wont help to drown my sorrows... I guess the main thing I was worried about was Tweek.. I mean I love him so much it makes my heart bleed.. It's crazy, and then Cartman and Butters decide to throw themselves around and get me into trouble... Not that Cartman would discuss his sexual appetites in public, that's the one thing that is constantly off limits when it comes to Cartman... Surely within a few years though he will blab about it just like he blabs about everything else...  
>As I was walking back to Tweek's house the air that night changed... It was real foggy almost like walking through a burning building.. I just walked around not really that much aware of my surroundings or the constant pain of my migraine...<p>

I opened the door to see Tweek and his cousin Tavian casually talking, apparently his Aunt had zapped herself off to North Dakota to see how Richard and Sarah were doing...  
>Which is quite good because Tweek's aunt is a bit of a bitch... They were both far too into their conversations to even notice my existence so i put the TV on...<br>There was a breaking news special report... The two identical cousins stopped chatting to listen to what the guy on the TV had to say...

"Tom I'm stood here in Denver where reality TV star and former sex tape godess Kim Kardashian who recently married Kanye West is looking to purchase a property in Colorado... Kim's mother; businesswoman Kris Jenner said they are looking for a house near South Park or Greeley.. Seems the Clan wanna get out of Calabasas and come to the mountains.." The newsguy blared, great Kardashians in South Park... Just what we need right now... Cartman is gonna have an absoloute field day with this... I'm sure Butters will probably die meeting Kim K face to face; again... I can just imagine the numerous camera crews following them around... Usually I would hope they would pick a property in Greeley or Connifer but the chances of that happening are very slim...

"Okay Tom I am now going to have an exclusive interview with Kanye West and his blushing new bride... Mr West what are you looking for in your new property?" The newsguy pandered, Kanye just looked at him as though he was some common peasant... "Well guy me and my hot wife Kim are lookin' for a house up here in the Colorado ya get me?" Kanye muttered. Kim whipped her blonde hair back and forth for the camera.. Great first Miley Cyrus now these assholes... And let's not forget she's bringing her whole accursed family... God help us all is all I can say... "I'm sooo excited to be moving to Colorado! Oh my gaaawd!" Kim droned... Only to be quickly reprimanded by her man "Yo Kimmie I thought I told you, you dont talk when Ye is in the house y'all.".. "Sorry honey! Are you gonna put another baby in me." She giggled, playing it up for the TV cameras.

Eventually the news went on a report that apparently Amanda Bynes was going to be starting a career as a hip hop artist... Wow all I can say is I doubt her album will be a huge success.. But still Kardashians in our town? This is surely gonna cause a huge uproar as usual.. A lot of people in town might be sexually attracted to Kim but when it comes to her show and her extended family that's a different kettle of fish... I can just imagine them buying the entire mall and taking selfies outside Whistlin' Willy's... Tweek looked quite taken aback by this information as well.. Which was re-assuring, I mean I thought the days of whoring your way to the top were over? But apparently no you can still get famous by shoving your boobs down the throat of the internet...

"So wait now the Kardashian-Jenners are moving here?" Tweek's cousin mumbled, they both shared quizzical looks, I couldn't be bothered to add my comment my head was still kinda fried with all the events that have been happening.. Suddenly the two of them went off into one of their two hour discussions.. I was bored so I had some marshmallow peeps and a pepsi... My mom has been calling me all night long, probably forgot where her car keys are or something.. I mean my folks could never just get their lives together it was really annoying but well that's reality for you... Sadly not the type of reality those Kardashians live... What I dont realise is why so many celebrities are drawn to this town...  
>I mean this place has gotta be the most vapid, white trash, middle of nowhere shit hole of all time...<p>

Tavian eventually got real bored and said he wanted to go to Milan and just like that he evaporated into thin air... I eventually decided I had to explain the Butters thing to Tweek, I'd be a real selfish and inconsiderate asshole if I didn't... I had to explain it 3 times over, I obviously left out the part that Cartman threw some hooker from Alabama in Stark's Pond but included the rest of it... Tweek got real mad and said he didn't wanna see me for at least two weeks... So as the time went by I started to become more reclusive and found myself more often than not in the presence of one Kenny McCormick...

"Ahh chill Craig! Life's shit and then you die! I'm just looking forward to fucking Kylie Jenner!" Kenny giggled, his constant Quagmire-esque nature a great sense of comedy relief..  
>I liked to think of us as friends, In a weird fucked up way don't get me wrong but still...<br>I mean Kenny is just one of those people who is so sincere and friendly, which is really odd considering he hangs around with 3 douchebags but hey what are you gonna do...  
>"Yeah life is shit man.. Didn't take me long to figure that one out.." I replied glibly, I couldn't even be bothered to try and sound interested in the conversation...<br>Me and Kenny just smoked the herb and spent the rest of the afternoon talking about our problems, trying to figure out if perhaps there was some great mystery, a great question that had eluded all of mankind for some time...

I don't know I just get real prophetic when I smoke weed, I don't mean as in channeling the voice of God, that's more Cartman's style than anyone elses. I mean I feel as though I'm connected to the world and nature or some shit like that... I didn't realise that in my humdrum boredom at least 3 hours had passed... And if your wondering how I noticed this you could always tell it was 9PM when Mrs McCormick came stumbling through the door drunk off her ass...  
>"You better go now Tucker.. Mom dont take kindly to strangers at this hour..." Kenny mumbled, he like me knew what it was like to have parents that just drank all day...<br>"Yeahh man I'll catch up with you soon dude.." I replied, I gave Kenny a high five and quickly exited his house...

As I was walking down the street and passing Cartman's house I could see a huge commotion taking place... Cartman was throwing Butters out and all of the blonde's clothes were all over the place on Cartman's front lawn... "E-eric please! You can't do this to me!" Butters begged, breaking down in uncontrollable tears... "God damn it Butters I hated you in 3rd grade and I hate you now... Fuck off you're completely worthless.. You're just another piece of meat.. And I deserve steak not mere hamburger.." Cartman barked.. You could see the tiny blonde taking every word with the malice that was intended... His brashy new found confidence was nowhere to be seen now... Cartman shut the door and just like that someone else had abandoned Butters.. I saw him gather up all his clothes and start walking the long walk back to his parent's house...  
>Surely they have discovered that Cartman was lying about there being an Al Qaeda bomb in ther home...<p>

Butters was walking down the road furiously, even screaming maniacally a few times, I decided to walk slower and maintain my stealth in the shadows.. He might think the other night had some sort of meaning.. Which it didn't I was really stoned and egged on by Cartman.. Both of which are not a very good mix... He suddenly sat down on the edge of the sidewalk.. I decided to just carry on walking I didn't wanna get involved in any of that drama... As I let myself back into my house, I laid down on my bed and just contemplated everything that happened tonight... Once again Butters was shoved out of Cartman's fold, I mean he looked real crazy.. It sure would be fun if Butters took revenge on Cartman but he is waaay too much of a pussy to ever think of doing that...

I spent a great deal of time conversing with my sister Ruby, we just talked about life.. What we hoped we would achieve within the next 5 years... Of course I tried to play it all up insisting yeah she was pretty enough to be a model and do whatever she wanted... Dad has never really encouraged either of us so I suppose I gotta take over the role of father figure... I mean that bastard will surely die of cirrhosis any day now so luckily I appointed the right guy to do the job... Speaking of which I could hear my dad letting himself in and collapsing on the sofa.. Another night of heavy drinking done... My mom was surely still at the bar, drinking in the hopes that she might pluck up the courage to leave my dad...  
>I knew it would never happen though, them two are just far too set in their ways... I mean they've been together since they were both 15 years old... 20 years that is something really hard to let go of...<p>

When my sister said she was bored and gonna go hang around with her friends I decided to just listen to music and go on my Xbox... A few minutes into my concentration though guess which hot blondie just decided to materialise in the room... "SHIIT! Damn can't you ring the doorbell?!" I gasped, every time a little mini-heart attack... Tweek just giggled and sat down next to me... "Well I thought we should be friends again.. I can do alot of things that Butters cant do you know.." Tweek purred... He clicked his fingers and wow he really had conjured up a delightful little outfit... Shit no girl has got thighs like that, damn I'm the luckiest guy in the world...

"Do you love me?" Tweek asked me. God he should know the answer to that I obviously do.. "Of course I love you Tweekers.. I always have... If I wasn't such a pussy I would have told you back in 4th.." I mumbled... He just looked at me with a look of contempt mixed with a sour confusion. It soon turned back to his big beautiful smile though, those green freckly eyes staring deep into mine.. "Well how about we do a little comparison?" Tweek laughed, giving me the come hither eyes... Damn honestly I must have been fucking mad having sex with Butters like that... "Baby you be my guest.." I giggled... And just like that all our clothes were gone...

Over the space of half an hour we had managed to go from deadly enemies to the close soulmates that we were at heart... We whispered away sweet nothings until the moon was full in the sky... If time could stand still, I d freeze it here, I mean damn that kid is such a hot temptation it is seriously unnerving... We spent the rest of the night talking and when the moment would allow we would get back to the deed.. It was real awkward knowing that his aunt and almost identical cousin could arrive back at any moment but I've never been one for subtlety...

We sat there thinking about our lives, I mean when you think about life it's only there for a blink of an eye.. You hear about all these people who self harm and dont appreciate their own existence and it just makes you think what made them lose hope... I mean yeah my life aint all roses and bunnies either but I dont go around eviscerating myself with a medical grade scalpel... Tweek fell asleep which isnt suprising but we wont go there.. Me however I decided to watch the TV, I thought it was probably the only thing that might reasonably quell my boredom...

I was just sat there, a slave to the silver screen. I mean I aint no couch potato but where would we be without TV? Damn I dread to think about it.. We'd surely all have some pretty misguided ideas I can say that.. Thank god for things like TV to momentarily distract from the outside world...

A:N/ Yaaay everythings great for them! :) - BTW Kardashians? Doesn't sound too pleasant Hope u guys enjoyeddd

Lots of lurvinn,  
>Sally oxoxo<p>


	23. Chapter 23

A:N/ So what happens when Kris and Bruce Jenner bring their family to South Park? Haha your guess is as good as mine Don't own South Park or Bewitched...  
>Yes my spelling isnt perfect, I can admit to it... If you dont like it dont read my story simple...<p>Tweek's POV: I had the shock of my life yesterday... Craig admitted to me that he cheated on me with Butters, albeit under Cartman's influence but it still hurts.. I mean I feel really uncomfortable and fat next to Butters so it doesn't half make me feel like crap.. Eventually Aunt Betty and Tavian were on their way back to NYC and my Mom and Dad were home which is good cause I really missed them... I just can't wait to have a word with Butters; damn I'm soo tempted to turn that kid into a sloth... Mind you between Linda and Chris i'd never hear the end of it... I'm not a very good fighter so I couldn't kick Butters' ass... But I could make him reveal all of Cartman's dirty secrets... Give them both a taste of their own medicine... Craig said that he would meet me at school, so I just walked there on my own... Butters came into class about 25 minutes after me, shit maybe I should reconsider all this that kid looks terrible... He took one look at Cartman and suddenly the two of them started yelling at each other almost equalling the sort of fight Cartman would have with Kyle... I decided to snap my fingers when no one was looking, that asshole deserves some just desserts... Butters stopped shouting as though he'd been hit on the head...<p>

"Mr Garrison do you mind if I do show and tell early this week? I'm planning on a lot more telling!" Butters demanded, Garrison as usual was too drunk to even feel his legs so yeah of course Butters could do that, anything to keep Garrison drinking JD,,, Butters then went into a half hour tirade about how Cartman had got all these girls from Greeley hooked on heroin so they would have to work for him... "Butters you're walking on thin ice... I can reveal things as well you know.." Cartman warned, raising his finger at the underweight blonde... "What that you beat a hooker to death and forced me to finish the job? And by the way fellas Eric and me have been doing things to each other!" Butters ranted.. Cartman looked completely cut off from his line of conversation. Everyone's eyes were now on the Fatass...  
>"You guys! Are you crazy! Even if I was a fag I wouldn't screw that!" Cartman protested, guffawing as though he was mocking people for even thinking it could be true...<br>"Ohh you weren't saying that last night Eric! I've got it all recorded on my Blackberry!" Butters yelled, suddenly Cartman got up and the two of them got involved in one of the biggest shit fits I have ever seen at this school in a long time... Cartman and Butters got into a really violent fight and started kicking the shit out of each other.. Eventually Mr Mackey removed them both from the room...

Maybe now we can actualy learn something... Suddenly though once again the entire day was disrupted.. 5 black Rolls Royce cars came driving into town; Garrison desperate for any excuse to not work for his wages quickly got out of his desk... "Ohh my god! Kardashians! Quick children they might look at us if we throw them money!" Garrison yelled...  
>And just like that everyone in school was now standing outside, you couldn't see into the cars as the windows were blacked out... Suddenly then the Queen of Tacky herself and her even tackier man got out of their car to meet the mayor... Randy Marsh was wolf whistling, along with most of the other guys... "Don't you niggas dare look at mah woman! I just got over being a gay fish and aint no nigga gon' steal my chick y'all!" Kanye West demanded, he went off on one of his infamous rants... The Mayor looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her whole... "Well Mr West, Ms Kardashian we're very pleased to welcome you to our town... It's very quiet and-" She began.. Suddenly Kanye put his hand over her mouth..<br>"Yo Mayor Imma real happy for you and imma let you finish but can I just say... Aspen was the best place of all time... Of all time.." Kanye ranted.. People started booing him and he was whipped up into a real frenzy... "Hell you fools frontin? You bitches aint got 23 Grammy's y'all!" He yelled... "Yeah Mr Black Guy has 23 Tony's!" Kim cried with glee, wait she doesn't even know the name of her baby daddy? Wooowww just wow...

"Kimmie I told you honey be quiet Daddy's talking.." West muttered, obviously embarassed by his new wife's antics.. Kim just put on some more lipgloss and signed some more autographs for the girls at our school.. Wendy started smack talking Kim Kardashian so Mr Mackey took her inside so as not to upset the reality star... All this effort and these people have done absoloutely nothing to warrant this fame? Wow I am so fricken glad I dont live in Los Angeles... Suddenly Craig came running up to me, he was real late for school and had missed most of the day's events.

Ohh god all hell is gonna break loose now, the entire family sans Kanye West decided to go into the local bar... If they don't leave that bar in body bags I will be really suprised.. At lunch I sat with Craig, Clyde and Token... All three of which seemed to be quite disgusted by the acts of the Armenian beauty queen... "I mean that girl wears so much makeup... I mean it's really scary." Clyde giggled, Token didn't seem to have many comments today.. He just mentioned how Kanye West was stereo-typing black people and he didn't like it...  
>Once again Cartman and Butters were best friends again, didn't see that coming after their fight this morning... Both of them looked like Sylvester Stallone 5 years ago...<br>They were both going over their apologies, it's a real shame they are both the most unpopular kids in school and they only have each other... Just casually cooking away in their own madness...

"I can't believe Cartman is doing Butters.. Like i don't mind but I never expected that from Cartman.. He's gotta be the biggest fucking hypocrite of all time." Token mumbled, not interested in the shitty food they serve here at this school. "Dude believe me those two have probably had something going for years! I mean Cartman had Butters round his house all the time in 3rd and 4th..." Clyde replied, obviously real interested in the subject of conversation... "I mean if anything I thought you two would have a thing.." Clyde mumbled...  
>Shit! He knows! Oh my god me and Craig are gonna be real unpopular! "Ohh whatever Donovan.. Tell that to Kevin Stoley when you go to grab the soap..." Craig giggled...<p>

"Ohh fuck you Tucker.. Seriously man..." Clyde laughed, obviously taking the conversation with a pinch of salt... I mean I don't care if people know about me and Craig it's just all the drama it would involve... I mean Craig's dad is a real old fashioned white trash asshole and all.. I just didn't know what to think about the whole situation...

After school I went with Craig round to Kenny's. He's getting way too involved with the smoking weed thing but I suppose everyone needs something.. Kenny welcomed us into his house and we went to his room...  
>He hadn't been to school for a few weeks, Kenny always took a trip down to West Virginia with his older brother Kevin.. If it wasn't for those two South Park would have a much less major drug problem...<br>I watched Kenny and Craig get high for a while.. They asked me if I wanted some, I didn't wanna seem like a douche so I had a bit.. I don't see the the point in this I just feel tired, hungry and dizzy.  
>We all started laughing for god know's what reason... Eventually as the sky turned dark Kenny sent us both on our way... His mom could become really aggressive and difficult when the bars closed...<br>As I clicked my fingers we were back at my house, I decided to sit down and try and regain my composure... Wow this weed stuff is very strong I could literally just fall asleep...  
>"Babe are you okay? Tell me if you feel sick or if you need air..." Craig mumbled, i'm glad to see he cares, but me I just wanna sit here quietly...<br>"I'm fine honestly.. I am really good.." I mumbled, I then realised my annoying tics were not as present.. I just felt really calm, I didn't have to worry about Barrack Obama snipering me or the Gnome Invasion...  
>"I'm real hungry though... Cook me something!" I demanded, I didn't mean to I was just hungry.. I didn't mean for it to come out like I was shouting orders I was just starving...<br>"Can't you just whip something up?" Craig asked, he obviously didn't know you needed a clear head to do witchcraft and make it work properly...  
>"Not in this state of my mind haha.." I giggled, I found myself laughing like a nincompoop for another twenty odd minutes... Craig brought back some Peeps and a huge litre bottle of Pepsi... I drank the entire bottle in one, I didn't even stop to breathe... "Shit! That was the last bottle! Damn you must have a real dry mouth Tweekers!" Craig laughed, I found myself unusually laughing along, even the pointless shit on the television seemed quite funny at this moment in time... Which was weird because I have very distinct and precise tastes when it comes to comedy... I'm just one of those real picky people... "I'm fine! Honestly!" I yelped. I tried not to sound so freaked out but he keeps asking me questions like...<br>"Well I'm gonna roll another one.. You want some?" He suggested... Hmmn I feel really high right now but I guess your only young once so I agreed... I just hope this doesn't turn into a regular thing... We spent the rest of the night smoking the weed and laughing at pointless shit neither of us really understood.. It was like a haze that trapped you in the moment.. I never felt more alive or connected with somebody before...

I knew it was special from the very start, It envelopes my body, my core, my heart. But now I knew that us two were in it for the long haul.. I could never get on with someone as well as I do with Craig...  
>Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything.. And I knew I felt I could give my all to him...<br>If I could reach up and hold a star for every time he's made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand. I'm sure he'd probably say the same in a less dramatic sort of wording...  
>Tears may dry and years my fly on by but my love for Craig Tucker will never die, I know that for certain in my heart of hearts...<br>The more we're together, the more things we share. I mean we're still real early in this whole relationship sort of thing but I dont know, I mean we've been friends for waay longer so it's better in a way I guess...  
>We got all the awkward answers and questions done in 3rd grade...<p>

"Tweekers?" Craig suddenly mumbled... "Yeeees?" I replied plainly... "Can you time travel?" He asked in a bored sort of way... "Umm yeah I can but why?" I responded, quite eager to know what the noirette's interest in time travel would be based on... "Cause I wanna hook us up earlier... Like go back to 3rd grade and just hook up..." Craig replied, obviously thinking this was great... I dont know though Hollywood movies always say you shouldn't change the past.. I mean my mom might turn into an octopus! I love my mom I don't want her to be an octopus! "Craig that could be real dangerous... Besides I'd probably say no... You know how quiet and nerdy I was back then..." I continued, trying my best to make him see my point...

"Look Tweek let's just go back to 2009 and see what happens yeah?" Craig suggested, he was obviously not going to drop it.. "Fine!" I huffed in response... I explained to him to follow my lead, to not touch or interact with anyone as it could really screw things up... I then explained to him I needed 20 minutes to do the incantation... Craig smoked some more of his ciggarettes, and no they were not marijuana ciggarettes I kind of finished that whole thing off.. Ohh my god if Mom and Dad could see me now... Awkward... Craig just sat watching me with a smile on his face as I tried to remember the words to the whole time travelling spell... Doesn't help when your other half is ridiculing you, sure it was all in good taste but annoying as fuck...

I took Craig's hand and we were in my room, albeit 5 years ago... "Wow how your room used to look..." Craig muttered.. Suddenly I saw the younger version of me going to the window, aah I remember this well.. The fight in Mr Adler's shop class...

"Tweek! Craig said your a pussy and you have crooked teeth!" Stan shouted from the street... Damn I can remember when he was such a douche.. It's real weird how he's transitioned into more of the class genius these days... "I DONT HAVE CROOKED TEETH! GAH!" The younger me screamed... Damn i used to have a real problem pulling my hair out.. Thank god I can just replace it otherwise I'd be bald right now...

"Are you gonna fight Tweek? Or are you a big fat chicken with crooked teeth?" Kyle asked the younger version of me.. Wow only just come back to me how nasty those two used to be... But we were kids and kids can infamously be cruel... Most people are real jealous of my teeth nowadays, I mean yeah I replaced them with my powers but still...

"OKAY! I'LL FIGHT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" The younger me yelled, shutting the windows with haste... "Damn those guys are assholes.." Craig mumbled...

Me and Craig spent the rest of the day following our younger selves around, obviously they were complete oblivious we were watching the whole thing kick off...  
>And then there we were, Me and Craig; well younger me and Craig I mean...<br>The fight didnt last for half as long as how I remembered it.. It seemed like we were only bouting for 5 minutes when we both went crashing through the Shop Class window...  
>"You see what happens when you kids screw around? That kid's dead now!" Mr Adler yelled, only a few years after this incident the reality of his wife's death consumed his mind...<p>

Then the paramedics came and whisked us both off to hospital, which is weird putting two kids who've just kicked the shit out of each other in the same ward, but this is South Park.. It could only happen here... Then Stan, Kyle Kenny and Cartman further antagonised the situation...  
>"Craig's Mom punched Mrs Tweak in the boob by the way.." Cartman laughed, damn he is one hell of a troublemaker...<br>"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" The younger me screamed, and just like that we were both fighting again.. A true delight for all the kids who were watching and making bets...

Eventually the rest of them left... I could remember this moment quite well, those were the few days that me and Craig really got to know each other.. We found out that unlike what the other kids were saying we didn't hate each other and actually got along really well. One again Stan Marsh and his friends had failed in their useless ploy...  
>"Look I'm sorry my Mom went crazy.." Craig said, drawing me away from the scene in front of us... I remembered it so well, me and Craig just laughing and grasping our ribcages cause it hurt so much to laugh.. "It's cool.. If anything she's the reason we're together.." I replied glibly.. I was too busy watching us talking.. God I didn't know in that moment I'd end up dating the guy.. Wow life is so much simpler when you're 8 years old..<p>

"You could have really fucked me up if you used your powers you know.." Craig silently added... "With all those guys watching? Haha nah if I used my powers you'd probably be a paraplegic.." I laughed, not the best thing to laugh at but it was true... Craig then carried on at me saying I should use my powers now to set things in motion... When we get back to 2014 and if the Nazi's are ruling the world I swear down... I clicked my fingers and just like that the younger version's of us started to look at each other intently...

"You know did I ever tell you you've got the prettiest green eyes?" The younger Craig commented... The younger version of myself just went all bashful and stared out the window...  
>"Thanks your not so bad yourself you know..." I heard my other self remark... Then just like that the two of them; I mean us started kissing passionately... Shame it was just when the nurse walked into the room...<p>

"OH MY GOD! NATALIE! THIS IS SO CUTE! QUICK!" The nurse screamed in her high pitched voice... All the other nurses came in to watch the event unfolding.. The younger Craig just flipped them all off and put his arm around the younger me... "Time to get back to our time I think..." Craig suddenly exclaimed...  
>I snapped my fingers and we were back in my room... The date read 1206/14.. Right year right date.. Cool...

I quickly typed Miley Cyrus into google... Deceased 25/04/14.. Okay cool nothing major has changed... I noticed in my room there were many photos of me and Craig, a lot of them at Stark's Pond... Suddenly all those new memories came flooding back... "WE HAD SEX ON MR GARRISON'S DESK!" I suddenly screamed... "Wait what?" Craig mumbled...  
>"Well in this time period we've obviously been dating since 2009... Craig I don't wanna sound like a dick but everyone knows... I have like 70 messages off Cartman on Facebook." I replied... See I told him changing the space time continuum could have drastic consequences... "Babe who cares.. We got each other right?" Craig asked... I admitted that yeah we had each other and I guess that was all that really mattered.<p>

Mom came into my room then "Are you okay honey? The apple pie is nearly ready so I expect you boys at the table in half an hour." She said sharply, she went back to cleaninng the house while my Dad went over the accounts on his computer.. It was real weird having these new memories flooding into my head.. I was starting to remember how apparently for my 11th birthday Craig took me to the Grand Canyon with his Mom and Dad... I must get on with the two of them in this different timeline...  
>"Craig this is real weird man.. I'm getting all these crazy memories..." I suddenly yelped, I didn't know what to make of it all.. Within a few minutes we had both completely changed our history... "You gave a me a BJ in the KFC parking lot.." Craig giggled, obviously feeling proud of himself... "Yeah but you got me drunk!" I suddenly replied... Which is weird considering I only learned this information a few minutes ago...<p>

Suddenly the door knocked, I went down to get it and who else was it but Stan, Kyle Kenny and Cartman... I wonder if Cartman is still messing around with Butters? A lot of things have changed and it's getting very hard to adjust.. Last time I take Craig Tucker into the past is all I can say...  
>"Hey dudes!" They, excluding Cartman greeted.. Cartman just said "Sup."... They casually swooned in into my living room... "What are you guys doing here?" I found myself asking... "Umm Tweek your mom wanted a photo of you and Craig for the 6th grade graduation dance..." Stan muttered, thinking me crazy for forgetting this information...<br>So they dont mind? Well that's refreshing.. Obviously Cartman made his disgust of this obvious.. Suddenly Randy Marsh came in wielding an expensive camera he had surely stolen from somewhere.. "Okay Stanley who am I photographing?" Randy asked his son... "Jesus Christ Dad... Craig and Tweek over there..." Stan sighed, pointing at us...

"Okay are you kids gonna smile?" Randy asked, I tried to put on my best smile and just like that there was a bright flash... "Okay I'll email this to you in a few weeks Sarah.." Randy mumbled, obviously desperate to get back home to his cooking shows and worsening alcoholism... In this timeline it appeared the real Gordon Ramsey took Randy on.. All of it went horribly wrong and as a result Randy's perverse obsession with cookery shows only grew.. "Quick Stanley! Martha Stewart is cooking an entire turkey! Ohh my fucking god I want that turkey.." Randy moaned, obviously lusting after his private desires... "Dad seriously let's just go... See you guys later.." Stan sighed...

"Wait so we're actually friends with Marsh now? Damn hell on earth much.." Craig complained, well I did explain to him that it could change certain events... But once again he didn't listen.. "Well better than the constant arguing.." I mumbled, more memories were coming back... I was starting to remember how I lost my virginity to Craig in Lianne Cartman's SUV after Token's Christmas party in 2012... "I think we did it in Mrs Cartman's car..." I silently muttered... "Ha shit yeah... Everything seems perfect in this universe.." Craig replied...  
>As we were absorbing our new memories we saw Mr Garrison walking down the street with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.. Yet another bad side effect- Garrison has new drinking buddies...<p>

I was still getting real adjusted to this new timeline... Still discovering stuff about my life as memories flooded back... I dont mind either way but this is kinda cool I have to admit...

A:N/ Messing with time never produces good results! What Hilarity can ensue next?  
>Find out next time hunni's<p>

Lurve Sally xoxo 


	24. Chapter 24

A:N/ After the boys went into the past and changed everything; what results will it have in 2014?  
>Don't Own South Park Or Bewitched...<br>Enjoyy guys (:

Craig's POV: Great trust the one thing to go wrong with mine and Tweek's excursion into the past; Mr Garrison has made some new celebrity buddies... In the old 2014 I can remember how both Kim and Kanye practically verbally destroyed Garrison but now the three of them were merilly walking down the road completely hammered...  
>All I can say is I hope nothing else major has changed.. I doubt it though? Could adding an extra few years onto our relationship really have put the entire world in jeopardy? Sure hope not because I had some awesome new memories... Seeing as how I would have known Tweek was a witch for a lot longer, I had a lot more crazy memories...<br>As we walked into school we could see no differences from every other day... Butters was still Cartman's shadow, I mean yeah now Cartman is still hanging around with those guys but I dont see that as a big change... I mean come on there could be a billion different realities and those assholes would always string each other along...

Well then of course Garrison and his new buddies came into the class.. "Okay children Kim and Kanye are gonna sit here while Nori is with the nanny... We're gonna drink so you kids can play on your Twitter or Facebook or whatever." Garrison mumbled, Kim seemed to be pissing herself laughing at his wit "Oh my god Mr Gaarissoon! You are so fucking funny oh my god! I should totally give your number to Ryan Seacrest.." Kim droned, Kanye however was going on about his court dispute over sampling some guy's record or something...  
>Not to mention those two idiots but soon all the Kardashians were crowded around Garrison's desk... None of us could really maintain a conversation as the hugely female family were all discussing what shoes, makeup and clothes to buy... Seriously man kill me now! "Ohh my god you guys! Here comes 'Do It On Teacher's Desk!'" Cartman laughed as we walked by.. "Screw you Cartman... is Butters a chick now or something?" I plainly replied.. Couldn't be doing with his bullshit there was enough craziness going on as it was...<p>

Soon the Kardashian girls were dancing all around Garrison's tiny desk as though our classroom was an exclusive Miami nightclub.. Wow honestly this town is so fucking cursed its crazy... "TEQUILA SLAMMERSS!" Kim screeched... Soon Garrison was puking his guts up and it was only 10:30 in the morning... The Kardashian girls even managed to seduce Mr Mackey and soon they were all dancing around Mr Garrison's table madly... Kanye West decided to put on his Yeezus album, needless to say the room went very quiet very quickly...  
>"Shit you niggas is insane! I am God!" Kanye barked... "Umm excuse me you disgusting slave.. I am God!" Cartman bellowed back... Ohh shit here we go, if Cartman says the N-word now we're all screwed.. "WHO THE FUCK YOU CALLING SLAVE BOY?! HUH? Lil racist ass bitch I'm gon kick yo ass!" Kanye bellowed back... His drunken whore of a wife was too busy partying with her sistsers to even notice the commotion that was unfolding... "Ohh whatever man your a gay fish! And no offense but your chick doesn't have any nipples." Cartman growled, his dark red face starting to rise... It was all gonna descend into absoloute pandemonium I could just see it happening..<br>"My chick got nipples! Bitch aint no hobbit!" Kanye remarked, waving his fingers around like one of those black women from an early 90s sitcom...  
>"Your bitch is a hobbit Mr West.. Not that I enjoy entering one of Eric's conversations here... It's all photoshop and makeup trickery.." Wendy sighed, she had explained this to numerous people billions of times yet they still wouldnt believe her...<p>

"Gosh darn it Wendy! Kim's the hottest girl in the world! I love Kim so much!" Butters cried, desperately defending his Queen... "Eww Kanye it's that creepy gay kid who keeps messaging me on Twitter! Call my mom!" Kim demanded...  
>"It's okay, I mean gee you obviously like black guys.. And well I aint exactly single myself.." Butters muttered...<br>"Butters shut your god damn mouth! I don't have to put up with your bullshit!" Cartman demanded... As soon as Eric Cartman raised his voice it seemed Kanye West that he was arguing with the fatass not five minutes ago...

"I mean bitch who the fuck is y'all anyway? Who you tryna be y'all? What you frontin for fatboy?" West demanded, his infamous ego getting the better of him once again...  
>"I aint frontin shit homie.. I'm Eric Theodore Cartman and if you fuck with me I swear to God I'll kill you and rape that plastic bitch over there..." Cartman barked, disgusted at having his idea of his absoloute power challenged... Kim screamed as soon as Cartman finished his sentence.. Her other sister the tall one, I dont know what her name is ask Tweek if your that interested quickly stepped in to defend Kim... "Hey dont talk about my sister like that you little retard! If my dad was still alive we'd sue your ass!"...<p>

"Bitch he aint even your Dad! Momma screwed em all and that fool sure aint your Dad.." Cartman laughed, he was obviously intrigued in the massive war he was instigating in the classroom... Soon the Jenner sisters came over to take part in the Kardashian v Cartman face off...  
>"You better watch your mouth Fatboy I could get you extradited to California!" Kendall Jenner barked.. Wow and people watch their show on E! why?<br>"Ohh honey please! You're just a Christina Ricci disaster!" Cartman guffawed, his dark evil laugh filling the room...  
>Soon the Kardashian-Jenners and Kanye West decided to go back over to Garrison's table... It clearly seemed both parties had met their match... Soon their Mother the chick whos about 70 but looks 35 came into the room...<br>"Kim we've got a photoshoot in Denver honey...Kendall, Kylie go to the mall I seriously want some redneck vibe outfits... If we're gonna fit in and all." She quickly mumbled, she was one of those busy city people who take their job so seriously they are addicted to it...  
>Soon the sisters and the entitled rapper left the room.. Needless to say Mr Garrison now had a viable reason to go completely apeshit...<p>

"ERIC CARTMAN! I MADE SOME GOD DAMN FRIENDS! AND NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" Garrison bellowed... Cartman then got up and started his usual antics... Soon they were both in a screaming match worthy of gladitorial times... "Ohh please Garrison.. You got used by a reverse transexual with a shit haircut and now your getting the business off the dumbest bitches on the West Coast... Get used to it you fucking faggot." Cartman barked... The hate in his voice was such vile poison, but you couldnt help but listen to it...  
>Soon Garrison went back to his drinking, he was obviously not in the mood for an argument... School went by as normal pretty much.. Not alot happened..<p>

Well some FBI guys were looking for Stan and Kyle over some dude they talked to on vacation, but that happens to them every single week... I don't know if they were in outer space or another country or any shit like that... Cartman carried on with his abuse after Garrison passed out at 2:30... That's the time when you really need to buy some earplugs...  
>Cartman was again using Butters as an excuse to talk to himself, Sure he might still be hanging around with Marsh and those idiots but it's not like they actually like him...<br>"God damn it Butters! Did you see that bitch waving her finger in my face? And that black scum declaring himself God! Jesus H Christ! Inconceivable.." Cartman ranted...  
>This was enough for both Wendy and Token to suddenly get involved' "I swear to fucking god Cartman if you dont shut up I will come over there and fucking kick the shit out of you!" Wendy screamed... Token then told Cartman to fuck off and stop talking.. "Ohh you guys are such boring old farts! Seriously!" Cartman laughed, it was his deep belly laugh so he had to have got the reaction he wanted...<p>

Cartman carried on using Butters as a prop to talk to for another 30 minutes... This was usually the period when Cartman would start mentioning the great Jewish conspiracy to take over the world... You could literally see Kyle trying to not take the bait.. Cartman would keep the charade going for hours if he decided so...  
>"I mean seriously Butters.. Can you believe the actual audacity of it? I mean they just hand all our money to those bastards! I mean I told my Mom I wanted a new fucking rifle! Are you listening to me Butters?" Cartman ranted... "Ohh hamburgers! Yeah I'm listening Eric.. Ohh my god Jewish people are vile!" Butters quickly rambled...<br>" I've had enough of this Cartman, seriously I dont care that you have your fucked up views but involving Butters? Shit this has just gone way too far!" Kyle suddenly yelled...  
>"Ohh what are you gonna do? I have over 300 members in my church now Kahl... We'll see you get a good lynching, after that bastard Kanye West is hung for his crimes..." Cartman retaliated, his anger and pure mental instability rising with every word spoken...<p>

"Hung for his crimes?" Kenny suddenly interjected... He had a look on his face of complete wonderment, mind you Kenny is a complete pothead so he is probably high as shit right now... Great another follow up question to keep up this god awful charade. Thank fucking god there's only 25 minutes left... "Yes hung for his crimes! They shouldn't be allowed to marry white women! I mean yeah that bitch isn't white but you get what I mean you guys!" Cartman ranted, his pure belief in his misguided disgraceful views was fucking undescribable... "Ohh my god! I've had enough! After school we're gonna fight Cartman! I swear to god I am going to fucking wipe the floor with your face you racist entitled bastard!" Wendy screamed... "Ohh come on Wendy... I've got a fucking Glock in my bag I can blow your head off you dumb whore!" Cartman laughed, his disgusting rotten teeth on display for everyone to see...  
>"I don't care.. you can shoot me all you want you disgusting slob... I'm still gonna kick your fucking ass.. And Butters you better run on home or I swear I will fucking knock you out as well.." Wendy continued, Butters squeaked and ran out of the room as fast as his legs would carry him... "GOD DAMN IT BUTTERS! SHE AIN'T GONNA DO SHIT!" Cartman shouted after him...<br>Cartman then got up and ran out of the room as well.. After the last time him and Wendy had a fight it was obvious he didnt wanna stick around.. "What a fucking douchebag man! Seriously that guy is fucking comedy genius!" Kenny laughed, it was obvious from the stench of his clothes he had been smoking weed all day...  
>"Seriously Cartman needs fucking help man... That dude's head is screwed on the wrong way.." Clyde added... I wanted to say something but the crazy atmosphere was doing all the talking for me...<p>

"I swear to god I am gonna actually kill that asshole... Guys can you organise a fight? I am seriously gonna fucking kill Eric Cartman... I held back last time but I am seriously gonna fuck him up.." Wendy roared... Everyone looked at her with quizzical expressions on their faces... "What? You all hate him why the fuck do you defend him?" Wendy added...  
>"Cause come on man Cartman is kind of funny." Kenny mumbled, he wasn't really paying attention to anyone.. Well maybe to the photo of the nude girl he had in his jacket pocket...<br>"Cartman is kinda funny? Oh my fucking god I have heard it all now..." Stan facepalmed, Kyle shared a simmilar defeated expression.. Wendy realised no one was listening to her and just went about her business...

After school me and Tweek just spent time together.. We went out walking on the city limits, I tell you when you get like a mile out of town it's just the Colorado Rockies for miles... You can't get a view like that anywhere else... "Do you think we did the right thing?" Tweek asked me... I knew he was obviously on about the whole time travelling shtick...  
>"Babe it's fine as long as i got you I dont give a shit.." I replied lamely... All that was there was the two of us, mountains and a small baggie of some of Columbia's finest herb.. And they say Shakira is their biggest export.. Right okay then keep believing bullshit...<br>We just stood there looking at the huge mountains covered in snow, it was honestly like another world when you got away from the frantic, hectic nature of South Park...  
>"I want it to be like this forever... Just you and me.." Tweek sighed, not a bored yawn like one of those Brady Bunch mother's sort of sigh... Like her husband just came home with a brand new Jag... "Shit same here man.. I wouldn't have it any other way.. I mean my life would be so boring without you and your quirky hocus pocus.." I replied glibly, I was too caught up in the scenery... The backdrop of the rockies was truly a beautiful one... You cant get a better view in the whole of North America...<p>

We just sat there, watching the stars rise in the sky.. We were content I knew that... I mean we were just two people working their way through life.. Trying to stick it to The Man but still remaining true to the union based humdrumness of working class life... I mean shit that's our hometown in one nutshell.. There aint no place like it...  
>We sat there watching the winds blow and the stars... It was a crazy sort of sight... It was then that in the middle of a semi-snow storm we decided to get freaky... I know not something I plan on doing again but hey what are you gonna do...<p>

A:N/ So Cartman has started a war with Kim Kardashian? Is she just gonna lean over that motorbike and take this? Or is Cartman gonna get his just desserts from Kanye West?  
>Find out next time my lovelies,<p>

Lots of love, hugs n kisses Sally xoxo 


	25. Chapter 25

A:N/ So now that Kim Kardashian and co are angry at Cartman what is gonna transpire?  
>Don't own South Park, Bewitched, Or Keeping Up With the Kardashians...<br>Comedy Central, Matt and Trey own South Park...  
>ABC owns Bewitched...<br>Ryan Seacrest, E! TV and Kris Jenner own the Kardashians...

Enjoy guys ;') xxx...

Craig's POV: Two weeks had passed since the Kardashians decided to set up camp in our town... To everyone's suprise they didnt order a huge house to be built... In fact they just moved into the two houses down the street from Bebe Steven's house... Of course they demanded the walls be knocked down and have the house transformed into a 5 star hotel like setting... Even worse is that the ugly Kardashian's kid is now in the pre-school class.. Not alot of praise going that kid's way is all I can say... To give everyone an update on "God" and his Queen they have just been acting like complete assholes, only furthering Garrison's bizzare behaviour and alcohol problem...

I was sat listening to some good rock music, Tweek was busy reading a book that Garrison demanded we read... Lucky when you're dating a Witch.. Dont have to write shit...  
>"You know Craig.. Even though I can replicate your handwriting your a real douchebag..." Tweek fumed, he was real pissed off having to read an entire book and then falsify my handwriting as well... "Ahh I cant be bothered with it.. I mean Garrison should keep sticking $20's in Kim K's g string..." I replied with a bored tone... Not much was on the TV, mind you is there ever? Only last week me and Tweek were on a roadtrip in the Swiss Alps but yeahh I'm still bored... Mom and Dad had decided to go their seperate ways, albeit they were both living in the same house and still hating each other.. Dad now had a permanent matress next to the TV.. He didn't even bother to get out of bed these days, He'd call Domino's pizza, drink his vodka and just watch TV... I feel bad for the Domino's guy having to drive all the way from Connifer in this shitty weather but hey it's his job not mine...<br>Not to mention the fact he has to put up with my dad's verbal abuse when he knocks on the door.. I mean shit no wonder the delivery guy has changed 5 times this week...

Thank god Family Guy was on... That and American Dad! are the only things I can really handle... Call my sense of wit and intellectualism infantile if you will. I'll just flip you off and you'll be in an even worse situation than when you started... "Aah gee Lois.. I mean last time I saw John Travolta he was trying to dig Marlon Brando up.." Peter Griffin laughed on the TV set.. My god Seth MacFarlene is what you call a fucking genius... "Ohh Peetaahh, you cant keep ditching your responsibilities with me and the kids!" Lois groaned back...  
>"Seriously? You actually like this garbage?" Tweek huffed, ha screw him he aint got a sense of humour... "Sorry but never mind Kanye West and Fatass.. Peter Griffin is God.." I replied without conviction... Tweek was pissed off enough so I didn't wanna anger him... Only last week I was transformed into a warthog.. Wasn't fun to say the least...<br>"Oh my god... You been to one of Cartman's church meetings?" Tweek laughed, he just started giggling madly... Hope that book report gets done though...  
>"Naah, just voyeuristically spying on the lives of the Griffins.." I chuckled, He just threw me a look of confusion and went back to reading...<p>

Suddenly the door knocked, Linda Stotch was stood outside... Great what the hell does she want? "Ohh hi there Craig... Have you seen Butters? Me and Chris are awfully worried... I mean he said he had a bit of a falling out with Eric Cartman and we haven't seen him in two days.." Linda quickly rambled... Knew it, Cartman got pissed off and now he's decided to do away with Butters.. Real shame considering that's the only person in the entire world who will put up with his garbage...  
>"Umm naah.. I ain't seen him man.." Was all I could think to say... "Please! My son is missing! Just tell everyone you know to look out for him!" Linda begged... I reassured her that yes I'd let everyone know that Butters had gone on walk-about... When she was satisfied I would follow her distinct commands she went on her way...<br>Surely no doubt to gossip to her husband Chris about how shit my house looks... Pfft who cares at least I aint got a stick permanently wedged up my ass like her...

"What did Nosey Norma want?" Tweek asked... "Aaah shit if I know man... Something to do with Butters. Oh yeah I think Cartman's killed Butters.." I mumbled back.. Couldn't be bothered with any of that garbage.. "GAH! Butters is dead?! Shit we gotta go looking for him!" Tweek screched... He quickly snapped his fingers and on the two pieces of paper was a lot of writing.. "I'll have to finish that later... Damn Linda Stotch and her handiwork!" He muttered... We went out at that moment and spent the next two hours searching the town...  
>Damn and aint nobody else shown up, god Craig you are way too generous for your own nature man...<br>Tweek said he was gonna check Facebook to see what was happening.. I decided to sit down and have a smoke... Shit maybe I should quit these, after a few miles I'm wheezing like Cartman after an episode of SNL... Just then I saw some movement in the bushes about 10 yards away from the tree... The tree was a good waypoint when you were at Stark's Pond... It's kinda like a landmark of sorts, well shit not that the land that surrounds it is paved with gold...

Talk of the devil, there was Butters, albeit he had a huge scar across his stomach... When is Lianne Cartman gonna hide the kitchen knives man... Seriously... As soon as he saw me he screamed for his life... I had to spend the next few minutes explaining that it wasn't Cartman and we were here to help...  
>"TWEEK! TWEEK! I FOUND HIM!" I yelled, Tweek came running over, instantly vomiting as soon as he saw the ammount of blood... "JESUS!" He screamed...<br>"Please! Don't take me back to Eric's house! Please!" Butters begged, he broke down in an almost Mr Garrison esque fit...  
>"You gotta believe me! Eric's gone mad! He tried to kill me! I had to play dead for like 2 hours!" Butters yelled.. He was obviously very shook up.. Not that that meant anything.. I mean he has been putting up with Cartman's bullshit for years now.. Next week they'll be best pals again...<p>

"Ohh please man.. Next week you'll have Cartman's dick in your mouth... Not to mention about 20 other people.." I suddenly sighed, putting my face in my hands...  
>"Sorry to say it Butters but he's got a point.." Tweek added, Butters looked at us as though we were both criminally insane...<br>"No I mean it this time! Eric's mad!" Butters whined, he sat up and instantly more blood oozed from the deep gaping wound...  
>"Look shit man we need to get him to a hospital he's seriously gonna bleed to death!" I complained, I didn't want blood on my hands.. I can deal with the craziness of this town and the notion if I ever piss my other half off that I could be banished to Neptune, but death? Naah that's way too crazy...<br>Just like that Tweek clicked his fingers, and Butters was fine.. His almost fatal wounds were gone and he had a new set of clothes...  
>He was in a far too traumatic state to notice the witchcraft... Tweek snapped his fingers again and just like that Butters vanished into thin air..<p>

"Sooo.. Almost dead people and book reports done... What do you wanna do?" Tweek asked... Shit that's a hard one I'm very painfully bored and I have no idea what would absorb my glib state of mind... "Well I did enjoy going back into the past... And before you throw up red flags.. I dont wanna deal with anyone from this town..." I muttered silently, Tweek looked at me with a sort of pissed off look but then seemed to calm down... "Well you need to be specific.. And god damn it Craig we're not changing anything! I don't care if you wanna stop 9/11 or make the moon landing happen in 1937!" Tweek fumed...  
>"Naah man it would just be cool to go to a club in the late early 80s and listen to some funky tunes..." I replied, that was a crazy little dream of mine... To go to Studio 54 in it's heyday... Yeah i was born 30 or so years too late but when your dating a Witch that is nowhere near a problem... I mean Tweek could sort you out a kilo of moon rock if you asked nicely enough.. "Please be more specific Craig. I can't work on a nightclub and funky tunes.." Tweek sighed, facepalming at the notion of my not so descriptive nature...<br>"Umm okay how about 23rd of July 1981, New York City?" I mumbled, damn he is in a real bad mood over that whole book report thing...  
>"Okay take my hand then... In a few minutes we'll be 30 something years in the past.." Tweek mumbled...<p>

And just like that we were in the middle of Central Park, albeit 33 years in the past... "Wow this is fucking awesome dude!" I heard myself saying.. A lot of people were looking at us with strange looks.. We seemed to be the only ones who didn't have crazy hair and baggy unflattering clothes on... "Ohh shit yeah.. We are not blending in at all.." Tweek muttered...  
>He snapped his fingers and just like that we looked like we were about to audtion for Van Halen... Shit if Cartman could see us now it would never be the end of it...<br>We walked down the street and there it was Times Square... I'd only been with my dad once when I was 6.. He wasn't such a heavy drinker back then...  
>"Excuse me do you know where we can find like a club?" Tweek asked some random black guy... He was stood with another two black guys, a Latino with turquoise hair and a young woman with straw-like two toned, bleach blonde and gingery brown hair.. "If you guys are looking for a club I know a great one on Lower East... I'm Madonna, by the way..." The girl mumbled, shit no way... Wow my dad was right she was hot...<br>"Yo M your daddy's coming from Michigan today.. You said you was gonna meet him?" The Latino guy with blue hair ranted...  
>"Not now Juan.. These kids need help.. I remember when I scooched on over to the Apple... Aint easy believe me.." The future Queen of Pop mumbled...<br>Tweek looked like he was about to die.. It was no secret that him and his folks were big hardcore fans of Madonna...

"If you guys see a guy called Tony, tell him Noni's with friends guys! Ciao!" Madonna yelled, her natural exuberism something that would be countlessly exploited in a few years...  
>And just like that we were like two little lapdogs following the Italian-American charmer down the street.. Already a lot of people were stopping to say hi to her...<br>It was obvious that she already knew how to work her charms.. Tweek was just completely silent, he seemed pissed off about going back in time but right now it seem's his concerns had faded...  
>"Soo where you guys from? Can I just say your style is so edgy! I'm going for the more Greta Garbo meets Sid Vicious vibe but I love it!" Madonna asked, I hope when we get back to 2014 she isnt sporting a chullo or I will be pissed off... "Umm we're from Colorado.." Tweek muttered.. Madonna then went on for about another half an hour about how she had produced a record and was looking for the right guy who could shoot her to stardom... "I mean my song 'Everybody' could be a huge dance hit... It just needs a good remix and a club following.." She continued, obviously the expert on handling her own career...<br>Damn she ain't gotta worry about nothing.. By 2014 that young impressionable girl will be worth over a billion dollars..  
>"You know ma'am I have no doubt it will be a hit.." I heard myself mumbling, Tweek just looked at me with a confused look... Damnit no one said complementing a future megastar could alter the course of history? "Not to mention Like a Virgin.." Tweek suddenly mumbled... The young trendsetter suddenly stopped in her tracks...<br>"What did you just say? I like that idea.. Oh my god I so need to write that down later!" She replied with glee.. Haha turns out Nile Rogers didn't write that song after all then..  
>Me and Tweek could sue that guy for millions... Wow you really learn alot going back in time.. If creating crazy paradoxes count as learning...<br>"Make sure you wear a wedding dress by the way.. It really pisses people off for some reason.." I added... She just seemed to be taking all sorts of mental notes.. Completely unaware her career was being shaped by two kids from 33 years in the future...

And just like that, we were outside a sleazy bar.. The neon sign said 'Last Hopes'.. Damn and the best selling female artist of all time hangs out here? Wow you learn something new every day... "Okay I hope you guys have fun.. Me I gotta make a trip to Paris... Later.." Madonna waved, as she walked down the street numerous people stopped to gawk at her unusual sense of fashion... The club inside looked really filthy, it stank of cheap beer and even cheaper imported ciggarettes... I forgot how back in the 80s the Lower East aint so glamorous... Tweek didn't seem to happy with the venue either... "Craig lets go... Honestly we can just go on YouTube and listen to 80s shit..." Tweek complained...  
>"YouTube? What the hell is YouTube boy? Is that a new show on TV?" Some random guy asked... Honestly wow, I think that guy tried to mold himself after Krusty The Clown when he got dressed this morning... "Yeah it's a show on TV... Come on Craig!" Tweek insisted, pulling on my arm...<p>

We walked out into the street.. Damn there sure was a lot of people... When you live somewhere as quiet and boring (well maybe not boring) as South Park; the big city can be quite refreshing... "Okay we need to go back to our time.." Tweek mumbled... "Naah dude let's go somewhere else.." I suggested... Tweek huffed and put his face in his hands...  
>"Okay Tucker where do you wanna go now?" Tweek asked, the boredom in his voice eerily present...<br>"How about we go to Santa Barbara in the 50s? I could do with a spot of sunbathing.." I suggested...  
>"Santa Barbara, June 6th 1959 maybe?" I added... Tweek took my hand and after the almost blinding white light faded we were stood on a beach... The music was blaring out on huge speakers and some girls were playing volleyball down the other side of the beach... A few people stopped to look at us in our ridiculous 1980s outfits..<br>"Oh my god! That's almost as bad as Marilyn Monroe's lewd performance the other night at the theatre!" A tall ginger woman hissed...  
>"I know honey.. Seriously what woman would want people to stare up her dress?" Her husband added.. It's people like that that drive numerous celebrities down the dark path.. And then suddenly it's a few days later and their dead... I don't get the reason for haters, I mean if you dont like something why put your head through it? Just another example of the complex human psyche...<p>

Tweek changed our clothes and we went exploring around the town, It seriously felt like we had just stepped onto the set of Grease.. All the biker guys, the pretty Mary-Sue's walking down the street in their long embroidered skirts... Tweek led me into a diner.. Great thinking I am absoloutely starving!  
>We sat down in a booth and suddenly a very buxom black waitress came up to us.. "Can I get you folks something to eat?" She asked, It was the late 50s so she looked real depressed. Sadly it would be a few years until Dr Martin Luther King would stand up for the rights of black people..<br>"Umm just get us both a cup of coffee and a steak dinner or something.." Tweek mumbled, he got some cash out of his wallet.. Sadly though that was money from our time...  
>"Boy you playing a joke on me? I could report you for giving me counterfeit notes.." The black girl replied... Shit Tweek.. I don't mind visiting the 50s but I dont much like the idea of having to live through the next 60 years...<br>Tweek suddenly manifested some 1950s money when the girl wasn't looking.. "Here! GAH! I'm real sorry about the mixup!" Tweek yelped, obviously getting real worked up...  
>"Okay.. Two steak dinners and a cup of coffee coming right up sugar..." The girl smiled, going on her way...<br>It was nice just looking out the window, damn America sure has changed... Not alot of people get to just randomly time travel and observe things like this... It was a real pleasure and honour... When we were done eating we went back down the beach... We just sat watching the Californian sun going down...  
>"Can we please go back now? Craig if we miss out on this report Garrison is gonna fail us..." Tweek exclaimed.. Ahh shit not that I really wanna prolong this situation any more myself but damn modern day Colorado aint too interesting either... I silently nodded my head, and with a click of his fingers we were both back in my lounge...<p>

We spent the rest of the night watching TV, Well I was watching TV.. Tweek was way too busy fumbling to get the book reports done.. Even though Garrison now had Kanye West and the Kardashian-Jenners to keep him company he was still a self-loathing alcoholic douchebag... He would still go crazy I mean that was certain...  
>Tweek at last got the book reports done at 11:30... It was a good job my Mom and Dad were out drinking.. They wouldn't agree with us two just sitting here aimlessly...<br>In the end we decided to go to Kenny's.. Sadly however we were not the only people there.. Stan, Kyle Cartman and Wendy were there... Don't get why Wendy is in such close promixity to the Fatass but hey we just altered history twice today so.. Kinda says volumes.. Alas it seemed that Wendy and Cartman still hated each other.. Fortunately for us giving one Madonna Ciccone career advice hadn't doomed the world.

They were all watching the Russell Crowe show for some reason.. Oh my god I can remember in 4th grade when everyone in town had to sit through it to see the new Terrance and Phillip trailer... Why the fuck they were watching it now I had no idea... "Soo is Russell Crowe the big thing on TV now?" I asked plainly... "No god damn it! We're watching it because Garrison and Kim Kardashian have done a commercial for Pepsi!" Cartman yelled...  
>"Right kids! Now we're in England! These skanky bastards love a good fight! What are you looking at you fucking vagina? I'm Russell Crowe you bastard!" Crowe screamed on the TV set, suddenly accosting some random guy who dared to look at him...<br>"God I can't believe they call this garbage television.." Wendy huffed, only to have a very dirty look thrown at her by Cartman...  
>The first set of commercials came on and then suddenly there was Garrison and Kim Kardashian...<br>"If you wanna look as hot as me all you gotta do is drink Pepsi cola.." Kim moaned on the TV, countless different camera angles zooming into her heavily made up face...  
>"And if you wanna succeed as a teacher..." Garrison continued... "Drink Pepsi Cola.." They both moaned in a faux sexual voice...<br>"PEPSI COLA! THE NUMBER ONE DRINK FOR KIM KARDASHIAN AND SOME RANDOM GUY WE GOT OFF THE STREET!" A loud voice interupted.. Then the Pepsi Cola logo flashed on the screen..

Sadly though after that we still had to listen to the mindless exploits of Russell Crowe.. Apparently Kenny found it slightly funny... No one would argue with Kenny in his own house, his mother was far too psycho... "So kids now we're in Los Angeles.. These poncy fairies have no idea how to fight! Ain't that right Tugger?" Crowe boomed, his tugboat looked very depressed having to put up with such an idiot... Suddenly the camera zoomed into a young black couple... "Oh my god Denise! It's Russell Crowe!" The guy pointed...  
>"OH MY GOD IT'S RUSSELL CROWE! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" Crowe screamed.. And then for the next 5 minutes we saw him beating the guy into a pulp...<br>It was then that I decided we should make our exit... No weed is a good enough reason to put up with the mindless exploits of a crazy Australian...  
>"Later Ken.. You guys will have to tell us what Russell Crowe got up to.." I muttered plainly... Kenny saw us to the door and we started the long walk back to Tweek's house..<p>

When we got in, his Mom and Dad were both watching the TV.. Sadly to say it was the Russell Crowe show.. Thank god Tweek has a TV in his room...  
>"I TOLD YOU I'M LOOKING FOR THAT CUNT IGGY AZALEA! AUSTRALIAN! WHAT WITH AN AMERICAN ACCENT!" Crowe screamed from the TV set...<br>"Ohh Sarah isn't Russell Crowe comedy genius... Terrible actor and songwriter.. Brilliaint comedian!" Richard laughed...  
>"Ohh Richard If I hadn't met you Lord knows I'd be doing some favours for Russell Crowe!" Tweek's mom laughed... Eww that image is stuck in my head now...<p>

"I'm real sorry Mr Crowe but Ms Azalea isn't here she's in Miami!" The guy on the TV protested... "I DON'T BLOOMING CARE IF SHE'S IN MIAMI! IF YOU CLAIM TO BE AUSTRALIAN I WILL KICK YOUR BLOODY ARSE!" Crowe bellowed... Me and Tweek headed upstairs... It's really suprised me how Cartman isn't Russell Crowe's BFF they have the almost exact personality...

When we got in there I threw myself on the bed... I mean I haven't sat down since the 50s so I deserve a good rest... Tweek put on some really angsty sort of tunes... Didn't have a clue who it was but the words made some weird sort of sense... The lyrics were kind of gothic, dark and fucked up but I dont know It was okay...  
>"Soo of Russell Crowe and time travel? At least I got you honey.." Tweek smiled... "Shit yeah! Too right!" I replied with gusto... He seemed to be in a horny sort of mood, but with his folks sat downstairs... Naah not too appealing...<br>"Tweek I don't want a photo of you and me doing it in the family album.." I complained, he just burst out laughing... Okay I didn't mean for that to sound funny but yeah, just another little misfortune on my part...  
>He snapped his fingers and just like that we were laying on a matress in a very dark wood somewhere... "Okay Tweekers where are we?" I found myself asking...<br>"I dont know man somewhere in Austria... I don't have exact co-ordinates.." He replied with a bored tone... Damnit Austria! I can literally hear Cartman screaming with pleasure at the thought of coming here... I mean shit his number one idol came from this country...  
>"Sleazy motel just aint your cup of coffee I guess?" I sarcastically replied.. "Haha who said the middle of the woods can't be sleazy?" Tweek laughed, flashing me that smile that could sail a thousand ships...<p>

Suddenly i found our clothes had dissapeared... Damn this kid's libido has just shot through the roof.. "I want you to do me Tucker.. Right now.." Tweek demanded...  
>"Haha as you say my witchy little friend.." I laughed, honestly dating a Witch has so many upsides it is crazy...<br>So I stuck my dick in him and heard him groan... It kinda echoed seeing as we are in such a vast open space... "Yo Tweekers try and keep it down.. We don't want the locals and their opinions.." I muttered, I was far too busy plowing said blonde to put any interest or depth to my words..  
>"Ohh shut up and keep doing what your doing!" Tweek moaned, damn this kid drives me wild... I cummed way too early... "Oh my god really?" Was all Tweek said...<br>He snapped his fingers and just like that I was hard as a rock again... Haha Witches, Better than Viagra...  
>"That is a nice little trick..." I giggled... Just like that we were both all over each other again... Rutting like wild beasts in the middle of nowhere...<br>When we were done Tweek snapped his fingers.. I found us both fully clothed back in his bedroom... Well so much for our Austrian excursion is all I can say...

I just sat there thinking about the events of the day.. I'd met a world famous popstar before they were famous... Went walking in Santa Barbara in the late 50s.. And had to endure Russell Crowe's nonsense just to watch Mr Garrison and Kim Kardashian grinding all over each other...  
>Just another regular day in South Park...<p>

A:N/ Haha! It was so hard writing as Madonna! I had to watch Who's That Girl, And Desperately Seeking Susan to get her speech patterns right... What about Garrison and Kim K's commercial? And just the Kardashians in general? Will the Mayor petition to have them banned from town?  
>Find out next time my darlings xoox<p>

Love, Sally XXX 


	26. Chapter 26

A:N/ So we've seen the craziness of Russell Crowe, A Garrison + Kardashian TV Collab... What else could come after this?  
>Don't own South Park, Bewitched or Keeping up with the Kardashians...<p>Enjoy y'all...<p>

Tweek's POV: It has been a really crazy few months, ever since that Pepsi commercial aired Mr Garrison has become quite the local celebrity... Not that he wasn't before of course but now he can at least claim that he has been on TV... Well he's been on TV a few times but never to this extent...  
>Me and Craig were just casually going about our lives, which is very difficult when you live in a tiny little nowhere town like South Park... Ever since we went back in time I feel as though our relationship is everyone else's business. Which sucks to no end... Not that I mind people knowing it's just now we always have Cartman poking around in our business...<p>

I was sat on my bed brushing my hair, it was 7:15AM exactly.. I hate having to get up for school but even when your a Witch I suppose you need an education... Ever since we all started middle school things have really changed.. Garrison of course wanted the job of teaching 7th grade... If he claims to hate us all so much I really don't get why he persistently wants to be involved in our lives.. I mean it is really so crazy and fucked up it is inconceivable... As for the 6th grade graduation dance I'm not even gonna go there... Needless to say Cartman and Butters made a complete ass of theirselves.. They both spiked the apple juice hoping to get everyone drunk... Unfortunately however Butters forgot almost 2 litres of vodka was in the apple juice bowl and all I can say is Eric Cartman didn't come to school for a few weeks after the sound telling off Butters gave him...

On the subject of Butters; see I don't even know where to begin... Think Tara Reid but she's getting paid for it... Every Saturday and Sunday without fail you'd be able to see the Stotch boy stood on the highway leading out of town.. Selling his flesh to keep money flowing into Cartman's pocket... Not to mention the 25 other girls under Cartman's employ...  
>It quickly became known as 'The Hooker Highway', just another little thing that puts the reputation of our town in the gutter... Butters was now also a drug addict... Cartman made no effort to hide the fact he got Butters super addicted to cocaine... Now the underweight blonde had to work for Cartman to feed his addiction... It was sad really, not that Linda and Chris Stotch would do anything; I mean they would be the ultimate outcasts if they took their son to rehab... I mean the general pattern in South Park is you fuck up, fall on hard times and maybe make a re-appearance a few years later... I mean that's the way it's always been.. And without a doubt that's the way it always will be...<p>

For an update on me and Craig nothing had really happened, we just had sex like it was going out of fashion... We went on some pretty crazy trips.. I mean for someone who doesn't want me to use witchcraft he sure likes using it for his own ends.. Only last week we were in 1972 conversing with Edie Sedgwick... It's true what they say she would have needed at least 6 hours to get such an elaborately made up face... Craig just had a real thing about going to exotic countries or making the occasional sojourn back through the centuries...  
>To put it mildly he said he wanted to go back to the 14th century and see some of the crazy customs... Needless to say the only customs we saw were acts of complete religious devoutism... Well devout religious acts and countless women being treated like garbage... Thank god for suffragism is all I can say...<p>

Speaking of the noirette, I haven't seen him in a while... Well not since last week... Unfortunately Mrs Tucker caught me with her son's dick in my mouth so yeah... Preeetyy awkward to say the least.. I mean shit yeah everyone in town knows but it's still embarrasing! I DONT WANT AN ONLINE VIDEO LIKE PARIS HILTON MAN! TOO MUCH PRESSURE!  
>He was still ordering a lot of weed off Kenny McCormick; In all fairness drug dealing and womanising are the only two talents the charming blonde possessed...<br>But now Kenny had competition.. Cartman was now selling cocaine and heroin mixed together as a speedball for more than 50% less than the usual street price...  
>All I could say was those many out of town girls and Butters were completely hooked... Only last week in class Butters freaked out and ran from the room he said he needed his 'milk'... Of course we all thought he was on about you know.. That other kind of milk.. Sadly however he was on about the most disgusting thing to hit the streets ever...<br>I mean you could practically see the deteoriation right before your eyes.. It wasn't long before Butters started coming into school in the same clothes he wore on the Hooker's Highway...

Cartman of course was pleased with his work, not only was he shelling out a dangerous cocktail of drugs, he was also exploiting the flesh of the youth for a great profit...  
>I mean seriously that guy just has no reservations what so ever... His mother, Lianne has done nothing to try and stop his warpath...<br>Soon more and more girls started flocking to South Park.. Desperate to hear the word of the Socialist Angelism Alliance.. Truth was though that church was a load of crap... Cartman would just vent noxious fumes into the trailer in his yard, and as soon as the girls had had enough of his beatings and rapes they would agree to work for him...  
>I mean on some level Cartman's church was a church... After you were brainwashed into selling your flesh for him... I mean only last week I saw Butters being thrown from a moving car.. Countless dollar bills flying around his cracked broken body... I'm so glad my parents actually care about me enough to get me out of that sort of situation...<p>

I suddenly was distracted from my thoughts by a text... "Hey pornstar! :) Mom's still kinda pissed but you should come see me beautiful, C.' Was all it read...  
>'Fuck you Tucker it was your idea.' I texted back... Damn he's annoying sometimes! Erghh! God it really pisses me off how he makes me feel sometimes 'Haha you were the one on bended knee honey! Gave Kim K a run for her money..' He texted back...<br>'Uh huh honey ;) xx haha come c me after skwl Craig i'll show you a thing or two.' I texted back, I'm kinda awkward at the whole flirting thing but it sounded alright to me...

He didn't text back after that... It was obvious he was getting ready to walk to school... Suddenly I heard a crash outside my room...  
>Tavian; great just what I need right now... "Hey cuz! Just thought id drop in! What's his name here?" He greeted...<br>"No C.R.A.I.G isn't here.." I said, spelling Craig's name out... Tavian and Aunt Betty don't like Craig that much and will find any chance to spite him...  
>"Tweek I need a favour... If my mom calls here just say I'm not here... I need to hide out... I kinda made a huge fool of myself in Jersey City and yeahh.." Tavian droned...<br>"Dude you can hide out somewhere else! I gotta go to school!" I replied... I didn't much fancy having to be my mischevious cousin's babysitter for the day...

"Look please cuz! Just for today! Just let me hide out here for a while... I swear to god i'll be gone by 6:30.." He begged.. Well I suppose blood is thicker than water and alll...  
>"Okay fine! Just don't break anything or curse anyone!" I ordered... I went down the stairs and out through the door...<br>It was a very long boring walk to school.. I saw Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman.. They suggest I join them so I thought sure why the hell not...  
>We weren't walking for 5 minutes when suddenly Cartman was accosted by Butters.. Holy shit he looks like a cross between Joan Van Ark and Gollum right now...<br>"Eric! I can make you feel good! I need the milk honey! I'm good for two fiddy!" Butters anxiously mumbled... "Get the fuck away from me you crack hoe!" Cartman ordered...  
>"Get back on the highway and make me some god damn money.. Or perhaps I could call up your Dad?" Cartman threatened...<br>"OHH HAMBURGERS! I'm sorry Eric! Please don't call my dad!" Butters begged... He now had a whole load of hideous tracklines going up both his arms... How the hell he can walk around with no shame I will never know... I mean if I was addicted to heroin and on the game I wouldn't want anyone to know about it...  
>I mean those two things are so taboo it is unreal... Maybe in about 20 to 30 years it will be completely normal... Hell I'm suprised how half of South Park isn't doing it...<br>Give Cartman about 5 years and I can guarantee you most of the 16 year old girls in this town will be hooked on it...

Butters suddenly ran off, he made no effort to even bother to come to school now, he was far too hooked on the elusive yet fatal numbness of the poppy...  
>I mean every day he was stood out on that highway, Surely within a while he will be in the obituaries.. Hooking is dangerous enough anywhere let alone in South Park...<br>Most of the weirdos are out during the daytime but when your out on that highway in the pitch darkness survival is pure luck...  
>I don't even know where Cartman can get heroin from... I mean we're up in the Colorado Rockies... And Cartman aint exactly the travelling type.. I mean the three biggest hubs in the US for heroin distribution are Detroit, Dallas and San Antonio.. And I doubt Cartman ever has the time to take a road trip out of state...<p>

As I got into school Craig looked real suprised I walked there with those guys... "Soo those guys leading you astray again I see?" He asked plainly...  
>"God I was just walking to school man! Don't I deserve like a hug or something?" I replied without much thought.. Damn I sounded real jerky...<br>"Haha you deserve way more than a hug... But seeing as how Garrison is still our teacher I think I'll pass for the time being.." Craig giggled...  
>As we walked into class, as for every previous year Garrison was completely wasted.. The abscence of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West was one that truly suprised everyone in the class.. Garrison could never be seen without the rapper and reality star...<br>"Damn bitches! I gave them everything! I did a commercial for Pepsi! I dont even like Pepsi! Long live Sprite!" Garrison ranted...  
>"I mean holy shit children... All I ever done for that Kim Kardashian was treat her nice and spend my god damn paycheck on the beer!" Garrison continued...<br>"Sooo Mr Garrison.. Maybe you need a bit of light relief? I'll give you Butters for $100 straight up cash.." Cartman ranted...  
>"Haha no way Eric... I ain't taking that sort of risk... Not again at least... I spent 10 years in god damn jail! Practically missed an entire decade..." Garrison laughed...<br>He seemed real casual about the fact he got sent to prison for interfering with a minor...  
>"There aint no risk Herb... $100 and that dumb hoe can satisfy all your fantasies.." Cartman replied, desperate to make a bit of extra cash.. It was no secret Cartman wanted a PS4.. Yeah he had an Xbox One but this is Cartman we're talking about...<br>"I'll have to pass Eric... Besides I can get my own hooker!" Garrison huffed...

"Anyway children! Today we're going to be learning about why without a doubt; Kim Kardashian is a bitch.." Garrison seethed, only last week he was kissing her ass and now she is sin incarnate... "Mr Garrison last week you were her best friend.." Clyde pointed out...  
>"Yeah well last week I was buying all the god damn beer! I mean seriously that bitch is ritch! When is anyone gonna buy me some god damn vodka!" Garrison complained...<br>Suddenly speak of the devil who should enter the class but Kim Kardashian.. Seems she had dyed her hair back to it's natural black colour... She also had her baby on her hip.. She was completely wasted...  
>"Mr Gaaarisooon! Oh my god! Honey I'm so sorry me and Kanye haven't called in a while!" Kim droned... Her eyes were veiled by the look of drunken chaos...<br>"Well I'm sorry Kim but I'm a man of my word.. Children throw whatever you can at this dumb bitch... You get extra points if you kill the baby.." Garrison huffed...  
>We just all looked at Garrison as though he was completely mad... "God damn it! Do I gotta do everything myself?" Garrison ranted... Suddenly he lunged Jerry Springer style at Kim, punching her so hard in the face 2 of her teeth fell out... The baby fell over her crumpled mother...<p>

"You crazy asshole! I'm telling my Mom! I got you a Pepsi Commercial and this is how you repay me? NO ONE FUCKS WITH KIM K!" Kim ranted...  
>Suddenly she wiped the blood from her mouth, picked up her child and walked from the room... "Yeah that's right you Albanian whore! Get the fuck out of my class!" Garrison bellowed.. Suddenly Kanye West came barging in.. "You hit my bitch man? I'm the only nigga who gon hit that bitch!" West shouted... "DON'T YOU FRONT UP TO ME! YOU DIRTY NIGGER!" Garrison barked... Then suddenly the two of them broke out in a vicious fight... In the end Kanye West won, beating Mr Garrison to a pulp...<br>"Dumb fuckin' redneck! Ain't nobody gon hit mah bitch!" West ranted, spitting on Garrison as he left the room...

All this crazy shit just happened and it's only 10:30... I just looked at Craig and the look he threw back at me completely summed up the situation.. It was a look that said WTF, OMG and FUBAR all at the same time...  
>At lunch I sat with Craig, Clyde, Token and Jimmy... The topics of conversation were rather dull and boring so I decided to tune out...<br>Within a while Garrison was summoned to the Park County police station... Apparently Kim had flown out her lawyer from Los Angeles and wanted to sue Garrison...

Only last week they were the best of friends and now they were bitter enemies... The trial is due for next week and it's gonna be televised... But I'm sure you already knew that.. I mean I doubt any of the Kardashians take a shit without filming it and putting it on E! or Instagram...

"I ain't done nothing god damnit! She's lying! Armenian people don't have front teeth anyway!" Garrison ranted, as he was being dragged away...  
>Just another day of craziness in South Park... At least Herbert Garrison finally got what was coming to him... If they put him away I will literally cry diamonds...<br>After school I decided to go round to Craig's house... His folks just got the welfare payment so needless to say they would be at the bar till closing time...

"Damn I just wanna fuck you man.." Craig muttered as soon as we got in the house.. Shit I aint no one to complain I'm horny as shit as well... But me I love the whole playing hard to get thing, I mean come on you need to have at least one vice...  
>"Cook me some dinner and I'll think about it..." I giggled... I loved playing him up like that, it was amusing to say the least...<br>"Haha suck my dick then I'll cook you the Thanksgiving Special honey.." Craig laughed... Seems like I'd better get to work as I am fricken starving...

We went upstairs and as soon as the door was shut and bolted, my clothes were violently removed from my body... Damn he knows what I like...  
>And then I was confronted with that huge dick of his... How the hell I haven't died from internal bleeding I will never know...<br>I put it in my mouth and needless to say Ol Tucker was real happy bout that notion... "Ohh yeah Tweekers... Fuck yeaah!" He moaned...  
>I didn't even have it in my mouth for 5 minutes when he demanded i pull it out and jerk him off... I wanna be a good boyfriend so yeah aint nothing too wrong with that...<br>Well if you count getting jizz in your face as 'nothing too wrong'... Eww great my face smells like salmon now; thanks alot Craig...  
>"How about you snap those fingers? I need a bit more satisfaction!" Craig giggled... So I snapped my fingers together and just like that he had an erection again...<br>I seriously need to make a note to talk to a Viagra company.. If people liked and respected Witches I could make a whole lot of moola...

"You fucking want it dont you? You dirty little bitch.." Craig muttered, looking at me with a dark predatory look in his eyes.. Ooft god it drives me wild!  
>"I sure do.. How about you suck my dick for a while? Or do you fancy being an Alpaca for the rest of the day?" I joked, giggling as I finished my sentence...<br>Craig took my sarcasm with a pinch of salt and just like that my dick was in his mouth... MMmn god damn that feels nice.. I can just feel the pressures of the day just melting away...  
>Before I could recite my ABC's I reached my climax... Craig spat out said cum on the carpet.. Ahh so that's what all those murky stains are... Gotta remember to wear socks when I stay around here...<p>

I spread my legs, waiting for him to make my absoloution happen... And then just like that I was being skewered... "Ooh yeah! Fuck me! Fuck me!" I heard myself yelling...  
>"Yeah you like being punished don't ya Blondie?" Craig asked... It was a rhetorical question because Yeahh I sure loved being plowed...<br>I went on for quite a while.. Every time Craig came I'd just snap my fingers and we'd be at it again... When the sky started to get dark I was only starting to realise how sore I was getting... "Craig can we stop after this? I am seriously in pain right now haha.." I giggled... Not a very funny situation but yeah...  
>"Soon as I cum sure yeah!" Craig wheezed, haha damn doesn't half make me feel like a sex symbol knowing I do that to him...<br>Everyone else thinks I'm weird and crazy looking but to Craig I know I can eclipse Angelina Jolie in terms of sexiness...  
>"Well hurry up Tucker, I'm hungry and I wanna go on Facebook!" I demanded... Sadly though it seemed Craig could last just as long on his own...<br>He applied some more lube and I had to put up with another 10 or 15 minutes of rough plowing...  
>When he came I swear to God I thanked Jesus.. Not because I didn't like it but because when you've got someone as well endowed as that inside you; well that's self explanatory basically...<p>

We just lay there for the rest of the night, flirting with each other and discussing our dreams... It seemed like at that moment we were both the most important people in the universe.. We had nothing to worry about because we had each other.. And that was all that mattered..  
>When I first saw him I was afarid to talk to him When I first talked to him I was afraid to like him When I first liked him I was afarid to love him Now that I love him I'm afraid to lose him<p>

It was at this time that I remembered some choice words of wisdom my mom told me.. Love is not a word to say , Love is not a game to play , Love doesn't start in April and finish in May, Love is yesterday, tomorrow and today.  
>I'd never really understood the significance of those words until this exact precise moment.. I mean yeah this isn't the most romantic situation.. Lying in a pool of semen with a red raw ass but still I wouldn't have it any other way...<br>I'd never ever wanna feel this way with anyone else... I mean I would go frickin crazy if someone tried to take Craig away from me.. I'm talking like Cartman crazy, it's true I honestly would... I love that guy so much it's unreal...

"Can this be forever?" I found myself asking... "Tweekers so long as I'm with you I don't even know what forever is.." Craig replied.. I couldn't help but feel real gushy and emotional at that statement... I seriously thought I was gonna break down crying like my Mom when she watches home movies...

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.. And I know for a fact that I love Craig Tucker so deeply it's almost an obsession... I could compare it to how Butters feels about his drugs... Craig Tucker is my heroin and I go cold turkey if we're apart for more than 5 minutes...  
>Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up. And I had definitely grown in this whole process...<br>I'd learned that I was so deeply in love that I would be destroyed if I ever lost it... I mean my Aunt and Cousin must think I'm mad going so gushy over a mortal...  
>But I don't care because I know for a fact us two are genuinely meant to be together... Fate crosses a lot of people and we were two of those people...<br>I run blindly through the madhouse ... And I cannot even pray ... For I have no God.. Even if I did have God he wouldn't really agree with me practising witchcraft...  
>I have lost the faculty of enjoying their madness, and I am too idle to wait for something more intense...<p>

All i knew deep in my heart of hearts was that I belonged to Craig, and he belonged to me... That was the way it always had been.. And the way I always hoped it will be...

A:N/ Butters on smack? Kardashian v Garrison? (Shame I was so enjoying their frolicking)... What else could possibly happen? Are God and Intergalactic Space Aliens gonna get involved? Maybe?

Find out next time my darlings

Lots of love,  
>Sally xoxoxo <p>


	27. Chapter 27

A:N/ Sorry it took so long to update! The chaps are gonna be at least 5k word from now on hehe Don't Own South Park, Bewitched, KUTWK or any events or said trademarks that appear in this fic...  
>I am totaly poor and not making any money<p>Enjoy you guys xx ;')<p>

Lots of love Sally XXXX

Tweek's POV: Ever since Garrison physically assaulted Kim Kardashian all I can say is that town has gone really crazy.. A lot of people are supporting Garrison while everyone else on the other side is holding the fort for the Armenian diva... Me and Craig just kinda stayed away from all that bullshit... At the end of Garrison's trial he was aquitted and sentenced to a year of probation... Strangely enough he also still had the 7th grade teaching job... Which really sucks balls... Cartman had yet another scheme certain to win him millions, in the end as usual he just pissed off a lot of people and more drama came to our quiet little town...  
>I hadn't seen Craig in a few days seeing as Aunt Betty and Tavian are staying... I mean Craig can be a jerk sometimes but I don't wanna seem him transfigured for his misfortunes...<br>I haven't even texted him in like 2 hours! Oh my god I must seem like a real icy bitch... But I suppose he hasn't texted me so you know.. Don't think I'll really give him the satisfaction...

I've just had my hair cut and it looks okay I suppose, I can make it longer but good fortune to the guy who knows how to cut hair with witchcraft... I grew it out and cut it like twice within the last week.. Getting sick of the Kelly Osbourne comparisons but hey in a redneck town what are you gonna do... Tavian and my Aunt seem to be real on edge about something... I mean yeah mortals can get you down but I ain't never seen them this miserable before... I spent quite a while trying to dissect their quirky little anecdotes and hidden metaphors... It was like trying to decipher some strange archaic alien language... Only in true reality it was a load of humdrum gossip... I just kinda listened, my aunt and cousin are really willfull people and anyone with sense would not cut out or interject into one of their conversations...

Suddenly the door knocked, I expected it to be Craig but no it was none other than Kenny McCormick; Damnit Craig! Please don't send your drug dealers round my house! TOO MUCH PRESSURE! "Hey T, is Craig here?" Kenny asked dully, "Umm n-no but you could sit and wait? He is coming over" I replied quietly... Kenny just stepped over the threshold like the cavalry was arriving... Damn hanging around with Stan Marsh can make you uppity... Kenny just sat right between my Aunt and cousin... "Excuse me boy! Have you ever heard of one's dance space?" My aunt complained... Kenny was too busy looking at my mischeivous cousin Tavian...  
>"Well shit sorry lady.. I'm just here providing some easy Mexican labour.." Kenny giggled, my aunt almost fainted when she saw the baggie of weed Kenny was holding...<br>"And by the way this shit is way better than the tree clippings that Cartman shoves out.." Kenny continued, obviously pleased he had one up on Eric Cartman...

"Well maybe you could get me intoxicated?" My cousin giggled, sucking on a cherry in a very unsettling erotic sort of manner...  
>Music to Kenny's ears I might add, It was like watching a lion catch sight of a gazelle...<br>"Haha you'd have to do me a few favours for a free smoke!" Kenny guffawed, taken aback by the sheer audacity of it..  
>My cousin had Kenny under his spell, not that I agree with witches messing about with the heads of mortal humans; but there's little I can do...<br>"On the other hand... Maybe I could make an exception.." Kenny mumbled, putting some of the grassy product on the table...

When Kenny was distracted my cousin snapped his fingers and just like that a joint was rolled... Kenny looked totally gobsmacked by this whole episode...  
>"Soo do you like fold cranes and shit? I mean seriously even I can't roll a doob that fast.." Kenny mumbled...<br>"I can do a lot of things quite fast... If my cousin wasn't so square he'd join in..." Tavian flirted...

Eww no way, I ain't getting involved in some gross threesome.. I'll leave that to the screwed up people in Hollywood... Kenny seemed glad to find someone who fit his pattern; someone who could also indulge in weird sexual fantasies... My Aunt seemed real put out by all this, she went out of the room and then dissapeared...  
>Luckily a few minutes after that Craig came in... He gave Kenny the $60 for the marijuana, and then Kenny and my cousin went off...<br>I can't wait for Kenny to realise he's been hoodwinked by morning... That will truly be an interesting and funny concept... I mean my cousin can be real testy and annoying if you rub him up the wrong way...

"So how was your day?" Craig asked in a bored tone... I flipped my now annoyingly long bangs out of my face and answered "Fine..." "Kenny didn't annoy you did he? I mean shit he can be quite the Lothario..." Craig complained, he had a tired and plaintive tone to his voice...  
>"Haha I think my cousin is gonna be hitting the h-headboard..." I quickly mumbled... My cousin was quite loose, but us witches dont have to worry about STD's so I guess that's just self explanatory...<br>I could see Craig visualising it in his head, mortal's have long been easily charmed; Craig Tucker was no different... I knew if my cousin Tavian ever set his eyes on Craig he could seduce him in a heartbeat... I'd seen it plenty of times over the last few years...  
>"Your cousin is too freaky and gothic... I mean seriously it's like looking at Henrietta Biggle but thin.." Craig mumbled...<br>"Don't let Tavian catch you saying that babe, honestly he will go absoloutely apeshit.." I yelped...

"Haha Tweekers you are funny.. God would my life be boring without you.." Craig laughed... I could tell he was real amused and intrigued by the whole situation...  
>We decided to go walking, it would be a while before my cousin was either too stoned or sore to have to zap on back to my house...<br>Stark's Pond looked really amazing at this time of night, almost as though it was far away from civilization... Sadly though once you get over the general euphoria you tend to remember that yeah there's a few thousand people over the next horizon...

We kept walking for hours, nothing but the dark whistling wind as our companion.. Most of the street lights were broke or flickering so it really did add a sense of isolation to the whole sojourn... Nobody was really around tonight, Token was having a huge party but seeing as how I have to entertain my family I politely said no...  
>I mean me and Craig had a small bag of marijuana and a few Coor's Lights.. Hope to god I dont do any witchcraft under the influence...<br>I accidentally turned Craig's mom into a goat and it was really embarrasing.. She still has that real quizical look in her eyes so yeah; my bad...  
>Character is not a question today, Rationality has perished, just a few screwed up people in an even more screwed up town...<br>There is noticeable nothing but one, As you age, rigid adherence prevails, I suppose it becomes more clear your just another ghost in the ever spinning machine of Capitalism...

Why must I stand by as the world collapse. Everyone's mind games tainting what little hope we thought we had left..  
>I'm sure Craig must think of simmilar things? I mean call me overbearing and paranoid if you like but I worry about a lot...<br>Cartman and his hookers have destroyed what little goodness the town had, Butters was the biggest example of that...  
>His parents had now completely disowned him; now he found his shelter in the battered old trailer in Cartman's back yard...<p>

My mother always told me that life will never come to you... You gotta work hard for the money and for life as well...  
>Do not wait for your ship to come in, get in your boat and row out. Be receptive to the wisdom and guidance that life can offer...<br>I suppose I never really understood those words until this moment in time... Perhaps I was too foolish to accept the true meaning of my Mom's ideas...

There was only a few words I wanted to say to Craig; I want to stare into his eyes and never look away; Just forever in something that I know is right...  
>Our walk was still continuing, walking through the dark empty town... Few people chose to walk around at this time of night...<br>Even when we are not together we still have that bond... That invisble banner that holds us together in all that we are..  
>Sometimes i find my self thinking of him more then i should but i wont stop my self even if i could...<p>

I just want us to be together forever, I know I belong to Craig Tucker and vice versa but everyone has their hang ups and insecurities...  
>Least of all me, I worry about loads of shit never mind the most important person in my whole entire world...<p>

The first time he kissed me, my heart turned on fire. My body was filled, with lust and desire.  
>Well maybe not lust and desire but something very simmilar to that... Not that I'm saying Craig isn't sexy because Jesus Christ he drives me wild...<br>When I m all alone, out in the night, my love comes along shining that light... There's no words to describe how close we are.. Not in English at least...

With his spirit I am trapped, by his love I am saved .. I was just waiting for that moment to feel whole, holding on so tightly to the one I loved that I would have seemed apathetic to the world at large... I'm just crazily in love too deeply to even know it... I was brought out of my thinking by his hand on my shoulder, his dark grey eyes looking into mine...

"You know something, my heart goes so fast when I look at you.." Craig whispered... I couldn't really think of the words to say so I leant in for the big Hollywood kiss...  
>In reality of course it was nowhere near that perfect; but it was good enough for me in all fairness...<br>"I feel e-exactly the same!" I yelped.. I sounded way too nervous so that makes it all slightly awkward...  
>Our hearts they shine, with this love inside; unstoppable even with time. I liked to think it was the classic sort of love you couldn't get anymore, what we both had with each other...<p>

When I was blinded by all the things life threw at me, Craig was always standing to there to help me back up on my feet..  
>He's always been a guardian angel of sorts to me... I never asked for it but he'll always make sure i'm ok... He's just that sort of guy...<br>When the world is crashing in on me, and I dont know where to go... I always know he'll be there; happy to get me walking back on that right road...

We were both stood looking down at the town, this small viewpoint that was not so high in the mountains somewhat tranquil and peaceful...  
>Time is moving to fast and every minute that passes must last... I want this moment to last forever... Just us and each other until the end of time...<br>I feel like I'm in an eternal spiral, just waiting for the right moment... Just waiting for it all to come to fruition...  
>I feel as though I am definitely in the right moment, with the right person...<p>

We will dance under the full moon, And he'll steal a kiss from my lips, I'll tell him I love him, he'll know it's true.

He wont care I'm not the prettiest, or if I have the right ass, legs or waist... I know for a fact me and Craig are in this for the long haul...  
>Numerous idiots have all tried to split us up; all their efforts completely and utterly invain...<br>It's quite funny actually how our love has survived all the bullshit, not just funny but relieving too...

We just sat there up on that mountain, looking at all the people living their lives...  
>"I love you baby... so much it's crazy.." Craig whispered...<br>"I love you too Craig Tucker! I wanna be yours forever and ever!" I replied, trying not to tear up because I'm totally emotional like that...  
>"Tweekers you are mine baby.. Always..." He said, taking my hand...<p>

We smoked what little was left of the weed and embraced... Only the harsh reality of the Colorado wind disrupting our little grope fest...  
>No way I'm having sex in the middle of a snowstorm though sooo unlucky Tucker...<br>I snapped my fingers and we were back in my house... "Damn you have no sense of adventure!" Craig complained...  
>With a snap of my fingers both our clothes were gone... How's that for adventure?<p>

"You were saying?" I giggled... I love the way he looked at me; with love in every eyelash.. Lust in every pore..  
>I didn't have time for more quiet small talk... Pretty soon we were both all over each other... I used my witchcraft to keep it going for much longer...<br>Thank god for stomach acid is all I can say... I mean seriously the alternative is not one I really wanna think about...

He took that huge penis of his and just put it in me, I honestly felt that this was right... We belonged together we were just like two parts of the same jigsaw that inexplicably pieced together... Not to mention the sexual chemistry between the two of us is amazing... Craig kept on thrusting and I kept moaning like a wounded animal in the wild... Thank god my parents like to visit their family often is all I can say...  
>Craig ejaculated inside me for the 4th time and I decided I couldn't take much more... With little left in the marijuana bag I decided to just smoke some of his ciggarettes...<br>"Damn you have any idea how expensive those are?" Craig laughed, his sarcasm and wit clearly evident...  
>"I'll buy you a fresh pack!" I giggled.. I was in too much of a crazy mood to hold a conversation for a long time...<p>

We lay there discussing our lives for the rest of the night... It was not long before Craig fell asleep...  
>I suppose I had been popping it like JLO on Molly though so he needs a rest...<br>I was disturbed from my sleep at around 4:30 AM...

I heard some furniture falling over, I decided to go and investigate to see what was happening...  
>Not much, well unless you count your cousin being sexually engaged with 3 different people in your lounge then yeah not much...<br>Butters, Stan Marsh and Kenny were all over my cousin like he was the Whore of Babylon... Nice one Tavian; grab the whole room like...

I strangely wanted to get in the middle of it... When they all saw me my cousin just waved a finger.. Inviting me into their horrendous little circle...  
>Before I could protest Stan took my pants and underwear off and had me forced over a table... It wasn't long before I had Butters and Kenny's dicks in my mouth...<br>Before too long Stan Marsh was inside me and I just couldn't take that ammount of people all over my body at the same time...

I decided to disconnect from the situation,, thank god Craig is a heavy sleeper is all I can say... Stan didn't last very long, and as soon as he left his mark on me Kenny took his place... He was a lot bigger and managed to hit that certain spot that really got me going... I still had the Stotch boy's cock in my mouth though so I couldn't scream out in ecstasy...  
>Before long Stan managed to get his hard on back, this time he was in my mouth slowly adding to what Butters left behind...<br>He eventually splooged in my mouth, I had to spit it out when no one was looking.. I don't want somebody's invisible kids in my stomach!

"Fuck you've got a nice tight ass! Tucker must not be that hung!" Kenny wheezed, too busy plowing the shit out of me to focus on his sentence... Stan and Butters were casually jerking off in my face, it wasn't long before I was covered in said result... When Kenny was done they all sat down and started jerking each other off...

"Just what the fuck is going on here?" I heard a voice ask, it was Craig... Great nothing better than your boyfriend seeing you bent over a table covered in body fluid...  
>"Craig! Shit man! Umm.. We needed a room.." Kenny mumbled... Craig just came over to me and took of his pants...<br>Dear God! I didn't expect this much sex...  
>Tucker started fucking me real good... I was really getting into the mood. Stan was porking Butters (Without a condom ewchhh) and Kenny was busy masturbating...<br>It didn't take Craig long to cum, it was just adding to the vast ammount of semen already in my ass... Turns out Ol' Stan Marsh wanted another turn... While I was jerking Craig off, Stan went back in my ass.. I used my witchcraft to keep it going a lot longer... The fast rhythmic pumping getting me real worked up...  
>Butters was underneath the table with my weiner in his mouth... It was like a crazy Lego-Land of sex.. Everyone was connected to someone and it was the most erotic moment of my life at that point...<p>

I started to be drawn back to reality as Stan came in my ass... He sat down looking as though he went mountain biking up a huge cliff... Kenny as always was ready for more, I took it like I knew I would... I saw Craig bend Butters over the sofa and screw him in a very rough and violent sort of way... It was different to how we did it.. You could see he cared nothing for the misguided boy. Craig was done soon, he put a couple of dollars next to Butters' recovering form...  
>No doubt he'll be searching for a vein after he hands that cash over to Eric Cartman... Butters sneakily left the house and walked the long way to Cartman's...<p>

When Kenny came for what was surely the 6th or 7th time I knew I was done... I didn't even wanna try getting up yet... I'll surely bleed to death if I move too quickly! WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE MAN! Craig helped me up and as they all said their goodbyes I could see my cousin going to get a drink of water... Craig was obviously still horny seeing as how he for once gave in to Tavian's demands... I could see my cousin keeping Craig erect with witchcraft.. I couldn't help but masturbate; watching my almost identical cousin being worked over by the man I loved...

After they both had their little fling Craig took me back to bed... We wondered over what the night had brought... A crazy flurry of sexual energy and lust..  
>We layed in bed for hours touching each other, letting him ride my ass like there was no tommorow...<br>When we were both done and satisfied I just watched him fall asleep...  
>Knowing that he was the one I truly loved; and would love forever...<p>

A:N/ Crazy ass orgy! Hope you all liked it ;)  
>Back to the main subplot in next chapter guys<p>

Lots of love,  
>Sally xoxoxo <p>


	28. Chapter 28

A:N/ Well after that crazy orgy what could happen now?  
>Don't own South Park or Bewitched Not making any money...<p>Enjoy guys xxx<p>

Tweek's POV:

The thunder in the sky this morning was the thing that woke me up... It was a dark grey sky and it looked real foggy... Craig of course was still asleep, completely unaware of the crazy weather.. After I made myself a cup of coffee I decided to have a stroll around the house.. Just kinda see what was going on and assess the whole situation...  
>Mom and Dad were still out of town visiting their relatives, which meant I had to look after the entire house all by myself... Well my cousin was here; Aunt Betty was with her loverboy in Rome so that just says it all really... "You know something? Those friends of yours were really rough... Like seriously no wonder mortals spent a generation frolicking in animal hides.." My cousin huffed..<br>"Well Tavian when you throw yourself at people they do tend to get the wrong impression... I mean you got me caught up in that whole thing!" I replied quickly...  
>"Ohh please are you scared Dumb-Dumb is gonna go crazy or something? Come on cuz you can do way better!" Tavian whined...<p>

"His name is Craig! C.R.A.I.G! Craig!" I muttered, getting more pissed off with my cousin's easy going and laidback personality.. Not that I disagree with those traits I mean Tavian was just plain lazy... "Right right... Screw this I'm going to Tokyo..." Tavian huffed, snapping his fingers and evaporating into thin air...  
>Great now I'm left in this house on my own with only a sleeping lover upstairs for company... Damn little old witchy me got the fuzzy end of the lollipop again all right...<br>Suddenly I heard the door knocking; who the hell could that be at 09:21AM? Butters... Damn he will go to any lengths to score some cash...  
>"Well gee hi there Tweek! You got like 5 bucks?" Butters nervously mumbled, his discoloured veins the most noticable thing about him...<br>"Umm no I ain't really got any m-money!" I quickly yelped... Butters barged into the house and swanned about the place... Well I suppose I did kinda suck him off last night so yeah mixed messages... "Look about last night-." I began... "Yeah! Gosh darn it! About last night! You owe me some god damn money! Not to mention Craig!" Butters barked... It was honestly like dealing with Cartman's Mini-Me... "I let all of you fuck me and I want my payment!" Butters ranted on... Wow Cartman has sure reduced him into a state of white trash... I took some money out of my Dad's hiding place and gave it to Butters... $65 that should shut him up for a few days...

"Well gee! Thanks! I better get on my way now!" Butters cried with glee... He ran out of the house down the road... $65 all going on a needle... Wow Cartman is a fucking good manipulator I'll give him that... I mean he has just managed to completely brainwash someone into his regime... Within a minute Tavian was back in the house... "God seriously! Accosted by the Japanese Police.. Seriously all I did was open a bottle of beer." My elusive cousin ranted...  
>He carried on about how he had to spend 25 minutes in jail... Well most people would know better than to be so loutish...<p>

"Tavian do you have to materialise so loudly? I'm trying to do the breakfast and your being a real douche." I muttered, I wanted to get the pancakes done like..  
>"Oh my god! My half mortal cousin slaving over the frying pan! Haha Jesus Christ this is classic!" My annoying cousin laughed...<br>I ignored him and carried on with the task at hand, I was way to busy to indulge in small talk.. I mean Craig will be awake in a while and I wanna have this food on the table...

I actually enjoy cooking quite a lot, Mom and Dad have always trusted me to do it because they have such hectic busy lives... Tavian didn't half enjoy me having to do such menial labour, the last laugh was mine though because I was actually enjoying the task at hand... Craig came down the stairs at that moment, he gave me a smile and threw my eccentric cousin a look of disdain... "Morning! Great weather ain't it?" Craig mumbled sarcastically "Yeah it sure is nice.. How you doing anyway?" I asked "I'm good I guess, what about you?" Craig yawned, he wasn't one of those morning people that was for sure...  
>"Well apart from this dunce over here I'm fine!" I quickly yelped... Tavian looked at me with a look of pure contempt...<br>"God I'm sorry if you two are all conservative and boring! God this is like Laos all over again!" Tavian complained...

"Tell you what why dont you go somewhere right now? By the way last night was a huge mistake.." Craig hissed, obviously pissed off last night descended into such a perverse orgy...  
>"Haha right.. Okay Ding Dong whatever you say!" Tavian giggled, looking at us both as if we just fell out of the sky... He disapeared just like that and me and Craig were left alone... Didn't take him long to finish the breakfast I'd prepared... Nice one I still got it...<br>"Craig.. I'm real sorry about last night.. I didn't want any of that to happen." I quickly mumbled...  
>"Look Tweekers I get it... I mean I can't expect you to be completely faithfull.. If you wanna screw around occasionally so long as I know about it it's cool..." Craig sighed...<p>

"N-no I don't want to! I mean that's the thing I don't wanna do it with people I don't love!" I protested... Tucker looked at me as though I was mad to pass up such an opportunity...  
>"Ok well then from now on we ignore all sexual conquest.. I mean shit I don't mind doing it with you dude..." Craig continued...<br>"You dont mind? Wow I must really suck in the boudoir! Damn Tucker you're tearing me apart here!" I sarcastically giggled...  
>"Haha Tweek you know I think your hot... I don't know anyone who can work it like you can.." Craig smiled, running his fingers through my hair... "Well o-okay then... I just get nervous and insecure you know? I don't wanna lose you... I mean last night proved that to me.." I continued...<p>

Craig reassured me that he would never leave me for anyone, no matter how rich or sexually appealing they were... I mean that does say a lot the night after a crazed orgy.. Not that I meant for any of that to happen, trust Kenny McCormick to bring back his activities to someone else's house...  
>After we were done eating we watched the TV, not a lot was on but it was the early morning so I suppose you can expect that really...<br>Thank god for YouTube and Netflix I say; We decided to watch a real scary movie... It had a weird foreign title but it looked good...

An hour into the film and I could honestly not take anymore... I mean I've watched this girl saw a guy in half! Well I guess getting fired from your job can really send you crazy...  
>I decided to get up and make myself a cup of coffee, anything to distract me from the heinous images on the TV set...<br>I was stood there thinking about life, just casually going over everything that had ever been, everything that had ever happened...  
>It was in moments like these that I liked to just quietly reflect on what had happened... Not that I really want to because the image of myself being used by 3 different people is kinda a strange one... I hated it yet at the same time reallly enjoyed it... Craig never really wants to go past what he knows... Just a bit of oral sex and a half hour of pounding is his thing...<br>I mean Kenny, Stan and Butters just completely opened my eyes to how diverse sex could be if you used your imagination...

I sat there drinking my coffee looking out the window, Not alot was happening except for the crazy wind and constant rain... It was like a dark humid cloak enveloping the town...  
>Kinda eerie looking when you spent long enough concentrating on it; but someone else may describe it differently... I mean me I've always been a big one for semantics...<br>Craig was too busy watching that Korean girl turning her boss into a pile of sludge, but when there's nothing on TV I guess scary films do the job...  
>I was far too busy still drinking my coffee, but I could hear Craig cheering as the girl slaughtered her entire workplace...<br>I managed to catch the girl on screen walking into the office building with her chainsaw and destroying anyone who stood in her path...  
>"You go girl! Haha! Sweet!" Craig laughed, obviously far too caught up in the film to notice me sitting down next to him...<p>

Craig just quickly glanced at me before turning back to the screen. As the Korean Serial Killer heroine was gunned down by a hail of bullets...  
>"Damn for an asian girl she was quite hot.. nowhere near as hot as you obviously but still." Craig mumbled...<br>"Aww thanks sweetheart!" I quickly replied, I didn't know of what else to say.. I was empty headed in that moment...  
>As the credits rolled Craig decided to phone up City Wok... Ever since that new guy took over running the place it's become a lot easier to just order food from there...<br>Within half an hour we were gorging on deep fried faux Chinese cuisine.. Not exactly my idea of a romantic brunch but hey ho this is South Park...  
>Can't expect fine dining and expensive wine in South Park is all I can say.. One of the few cons of this little nowhere town...<p>

"Damn that City Wok is good shit man... At least that new guy cooks it properly.." Craig sighed, obviously far more full up than he was used to... I mean I had never known his Mom and Dad to cook so that all just said volumes...  
>"Yeaah true..." Was all I could think to say...<br>Craig just gave me a nonchalant and bored sort of look.. I couldn't help but giggle slightly; he's just one of those people who can have me in fits of laughter in very little time...

He decided to switch the TV channel on.. Not alot except for the FOX news... More war in Syria and Lebanon.. Amanda Bynes was due to appear in court over a DUI incident...  
>Then suddenly breaking news flashed across the screen...<br>"Tom I'm stood here in South Park, Colorado where local man Mr Herbert J Garrison is apparently striking to draw support to his cause... Apparently he is trying to raise half a million dollars to take the star of Keeping up With the Kardashian's, Kim Kardashian to the Supreme Court.. They both appeared in the Denver court not too long ago...  
>Although the case was dismissed it has turned Herbert Garrison into quite the modern day Middle American icon.." The newsman droned...<br>"So Mr Garrison can you tell us about why you wish to draw out this long legal dispute? I mean you were offered a $10,000 endorsement deal with Pepsi?" The newsman continued...  
>Suddenly Mr Garrison and Mr Slave were on the screen both sat on the sort of couch you see in a therapist's office...<br>"Well you see I feel as though my image was slandered and unfairly represented... I mean I wanna sue that Albanian hooker for every dime she's got!" Garrison ranted...  
>"Mr Garrison although you say this you do have a reputation for being lead on by the rich and famous?" The newsman continued...<br>"Well no one gets the best of Herbert Garrison.. All I can say is I'm taking that dumb bitch to D.C!" Garrison shrieked with gusto...  
>"Ohh Jesus Christ!" Mr Slave gasped...<br>"Well there you have it Tom... Just a regular average guy trying to sue a girl more than eight times his net worth... Will this hillbilly teacher get his compensation? I doubt it highly.. Back to you Tom.." The newsman blared...

"Yet another of Garrison's dramas I see... Damn that guy needs serious help.. No way will the Supreme Court handle his case.." Craig whined, bored with having to put up with yet another of Mr Garrison's elusive yet all too public misdemeanours...  
>"I know they would be stupid to.. That's all I can say really..." I replied quietly...<br>Pretty soon Garrison was the major topic of conversation on Facebook.. There was even a new page created in his honour 'Help Garrison Sue Kim'... While of course on the other side of the page a lot of people were supporting Kim; they even made their own group 'Send Garrison Down.'... Needless to say a lot of drama over something that was not really all that important or interesting in the very least...  
>Within the space of 20 minutes most of the parents in town declared Garrison the devil... His support was growing though; a lot of people felt they had something in common with the disgraced teacher... Not to mention quite a few people in this town hate Kim Kardashian's guts so that just adds to it all...<p>

"Look Craig let's just forget Mr Garrison.. Why don't we go do something? Like I'm really bored.." I heard myself muttering...  
>"Shit I guess a walk could do me good.." Craig mumbled quietly...<br>All we had to do was walk out my front door and already a huge mob had assembled making it's way to the centre of town...  
>"Eight, One, Six, Four, Help Mr Garrison sue that whore!" The mob chanted maniacally...<br>Wow the simplest of things in this town could just be blown so out of proportion you would assume lunacy... I mean this is madness! Kim Kardashian could wipe the floor with Mr Garrison I mean she can afford the best lawyers in LA but still everyone wants to make a huge deal out of it..

We decided to follow the mob into the centre of town.. The Mayor was stood with her aides trying to make sense of the whole situation...  
>"Look people.. I don't know what you want me to do! Half you want me to hang Mr Garrison and other half of you want me to go after two beloved stars!" The Mayor complained...<br>"Excuse me Mayor but in this town we look after our own! You gotta support Mr Garrison!" Randy Marsh exclaimed...  
>"Help Garrison? That man is a drunk and a pervert! Remind me why that man has been teaching our kids all these years?" Sheila Broflovski ranted..<br>Suddenly it all descended into a massive argument.. Me and Craig decided that we had seen enough...

We walked down to Stark's Pond; surely the only place in town where a huge drama isn't unfolding... It was nice to just sit and listen to nature... For someone like me who has a nervous disposition it does help a lot...  
>We just sat there admiring the sounds and the sights... Before you ask no we didn't make love.. It had been a way too crazy day to even think about stuff like that...<br>We just sat in the snow listening and looking; at last glad that we had some peace...

In the end I guess you gotta forge your own destiny, play all the cards in life...  
>I mean some people just get others to do it for them...<br>Me now that wouldn't be my thing; I like to feel in control.. Which is why I don't get how Mr Garrison can lengthen his already controversial case...

Day by day the vile nature of darkness, all around multiplies and blooms into a flower of treasure by which they all fill.  
>You can see the true nature of darkness in a situation like this...<br>Sooner or later it will just swallow you whole...  
>A dark murky void in the centre of the human soul...<br>People united can make the darknesss of their unity truly invisble and transparent...  
>You can read between the lines if you want; it wont offer no hope...<p>

They say America is a free country, but if it were a free country, we would have no religious intolerence. There would be no racial hatred, no prejudice of any kind...  
>No matter how diverse we all become there will always be hatred and segregation...<p>

Yet they make time for Mr Garrison and Kim Kardashian's little war... I mean you can marry a horse in 24 states, but not many people accept the sort of thing me and Craig do...  
>Not to mention the fact I'm a Witch.. I mean that would upset a lot of people...<br>I liked to just think over these things when I had the time; maybe the only thing within my soul that could keep me coherent and sane...  
>I want to see a world from the window, A world where nobody is hated for their beliefs or the one they love..<br>A world where those who have different religious opinions can live freely and in harmony with each other...  
>A world where crime and despicable acts are a thing of the past...<p>

But we all know that's never gonna happen...  
>The human nature is far too set in stone...<br>Violence, Flesh, Money... The three ultimate evils...  
>God must be real crazy wanting to create a world like this one...<p>

We live in a dark world indeed,, A cold selfish planet, A world full of lies, starvation and political corruption...  
>Craig thinks I'm crazy for thinking such things but I know it to be true...<br>Once you examine the Pyramid of Power you can just see it all...  
>You've got government at the top and those in the third world at the very bottom...<p>

How can we strive for a resource based economy when the evil of money is so set in stone?  
>How can we make our world better when all we wanna do is play around on our iPhone's and make ourselves beautiful?<br>If I had a strong enough spell I would end it all I know that for sure...

Id rather live in my dream world, not the real world Id rather fall in love in my dream world, not the real world but thats my mistake, i fell in love in the real world...  
>I fell in love with somebody and just put all the other issues right at the back...<br>I wish I could help I feel so bad for all this avarice and apathy that exists on our planet right now...

Stark's Pond really is beautiful.. A field of dead flowers and ice, rousing under remnants of an ancient unforgotten dawn...  
>Me and Craig were sat just admiring each other.. Life itself in fact...<br>Just looking at the weak sunlight, the air and the company we both shared...  
>Its beauty is nothing I ve seen before in my entire life.. Just a quiet little place far away from the encumberment of human civilization...<br>even though it lost its color and beauty, it is still beautiful to me for I know it is the one place I can always be safe and alright...

"Tweekers I love you so much... Spending this time with you is real important to me.." Craig suddenly said, pulling me out of my thoughts...  
>"I adore you also! I so agree... You're important to me too.." I quickly muttered, hoping i got the words right...<br>We shared a tender loving kiss and just watched the sun and clouds move in the sky... That dark grey murky sky...

The age dawns, the weather fair, Nature warms, without a care, To the North, the winter's cold, A storm rages, from what I'm told...  
>The sun was there as always in the sky.. It's bright mystical beauty one that had trapped the souls of mortal men for generations...<br>Even I felt entranced by it's bright luminescent beauty... I was just another person living under that huge yellow orb...  
>See that golden hue, Burning in the west, it's dark yet vibrant beauty one that all can digress...<br>My dreams are with the ancient one.. The dense rays entering my mind and extracting all the sadness and leaving one thing behind; Hope...

Today my world forgot its inconceivable indisgression, Today I was allowed to see the sun, the sun I've missed for so long.  
>A sun that's shines brighter. Bright with the anicent knowledge that could destroy anything the human mind could come up with...<br>I looked into the ball of fire in the sky, I can see why people worshipped it.. Never mind KFC or Coca Cola the Sun is what you call an iconic trademark...  
>I just sat there with the love of my life staring off into the abyss...<br>The only thing keeping us grounded on Earth the constant reminder of any drama that could kick off in town this week...  
>Only in South Park could such things happen is all I'm gonna say...<p>

A:N/ Well Garrison wants to take Kimmie to the Supreme Court? She took his jerb! Will Garrison get his revenge? Or Do the Kardashian-Jenners have something in mind for our favourite perverted teacher?  
>Find out next time you guys<p>

Lots of kisses, hugs and lovee

Sally XOXOX


	29. Chapter 29

A:N/ Sorry it's taken me so long to upload! been a really hectic week lol Don't own South Park or Bewitched...  
>Not making any sort of financial profit...<br>Enjoy guys xxx Sally xxx

Craig's POV: It had been quite a weird few days... Garrison was whisked off to the Supreme Court for his little spat with Kim Kardashian...  
>Needless to say the Kardashians won and Garrison was humiliated in front of the entire country... His alcoholism has gotten a lot worse because of that notion...<br>I've just been getting on with my own life to be honest, aint no one got time for the bullshit that seems to happen in this town every single day...  
>Like I'm sure this town was built on an Indian burial ground.. I mean nowhere else in the world is as crazy as this little redneck town...<br>Getting kind of fed up with having to put up with the exploits of Tweek's aunt and cousin but I suppose blood is thicker than water so there aint much I can really do about that...

Butters and Cartman are still preaching their self entitled nonsense, it's actually kind of scary how many people have flocked to their little church...  
>If anything Butters could easily betray Cartman, I mean if anything we all know what he's capable of when he's pushed...<br>Linda and Chris Stotch made numerous attempts to try and get their kid back on the straight and narrow, all invain... Cartman had that kid so deeply under his spell you'd need a hypnotist to snap him out of it...

My Dad has once again eloped with some young woman, and before you say I should be glad believe me he will be back... He spends a few weeks screwing some girl who was born the same day the cellphone was invented; but sooner or later he'll come running back to my mother so she can wait on him hand and foot...  
>It's one of those vicious circles that has lasted for way too long.. The two of them are so misguided that they can't afford to be without the other...<br>Mom has been drinking for the two of them in his abscence, my sister Ruby is staying with Grandma because Mom gets super crazy when she drinks heavily...

I've been staying at Tweek's, yeah i've had to put up with the exploits of his extended family but that's way better than listening to my mother and her deep insane depression...  
>I mean I have had to put up with their shit for years! And if I get one chance to not have to listen to it then good lord I'll take it...<br>"Oh my god that really is so Raven!" Tavian, Tweek's annoying but very sexy cousin laughed... Seriously Craig keep your mind out of the gutter..  
>"What do you think Ding Dong? You enjoying it? Bet you'd fucking love to change the channel!" He continued, giggling in an infantile fashion...<br>"Ohh screw you! Go slice your wrists or put some eyeliner on or something." I plainly muttered, hoping I could offend his gothic-esque tendencies...  
>"Asshole!" He muttered, getting up off the floor and going into the other room in a huff..<p>

"Craig! You shouldn't be so temperemental.. He's real sensitive you know!" Tweek snapped, sitting down with his cup of coffee...  
>"Well I'm sorry man... It's not such a usual situation! I mean usually the inlaws send you up the wall; but other guys dont have to worry about being hexed!" I replied dully...<br>"Ohh I wouldn't let him curse you babe! Seriously!" Tweek laughed, damn at least someone in this house has a sense of humour...

Suddenly there was violent, insistent knocking on the door... Great bet you $600 that's either Cartman, Stan Marsh or Butters... Maybe all fucking 5 of them if we're in real luck...  
>Nope just Cartman.. Thank god... Well thank god-ish; I mean having to put up with him alone is fucking mindbending...<br>"What the fuck do you want Fatass?" I spat, desperate to get rid of him... I really dont wanna put up with that fat psycho right now...  
>"Charming... May I come in?" Cartman asked... Fuck me he is ignorant.. Shit if I wasn't so tired I would give him a free nosejob...<br>"No you fucking cant.. What do you want?" I asked, not that I was one bit interested... I mean seriously who could be interested?

Cartman barged past me and made his way into the house... He quickly sat down, prompting Tweek to leap up and walk into the other room... "Ahh... That's good.. Make me a god damn drink! What the fuck is this? Ukraine?" Cartman whined...  
>"You want fries with that sir?" I sarcastically mumbled... Cartman just gave me a look of pure, un-diluted disgust... Wow he must be having a real good day..<p>

I made him a glass of water, I spat in it of course but what Cartman doesn't know wont hurt him...  
>"Water? Jesus Christ! Ohh well, not everyone is as fabulously rich as I am.." Cartman ranted..<br>"Look Cartman what the fuck do you actually want? You do realise it is 7 in the morning right?" I asked quietly...  
>"Well I need some god damn money! That junkie has nearly depleted my resources!" Cartman barked...<br>Wow great way to talk about your personal slave Cartman.. I can't wait until he realises everyone hates his guts.. Fuck me that will make me laugh...

"And that's my problem how? Look Tweek gave Butters some cash okay?" I replied, trying my best to not explode at the insane asshole...  
>"Well Stan and Kinny won't give me any payment! I mean Jesus Christ! I need you to do a job for me..." Cartman ranted on...<br>Oh my god he is unbelievable! No way am I going on the game to line Eric Cartman's pocket...  
>"Fuck off Cartman.. I ain't hooking.." I muttered, trying my best to ignore his unbearable presence...<br>"No you dumb asshole! Who the hell would wanna fuck you? I need you to deliver something for me.. You'll get a 10% cut of the cash.." Cartman mumbled..

I decided to think it over in my head.. Drug Dealing? Shit I didn't really wanna do that to Kenny... Selling drugs is the only thing that keeps him and his family off the street...  
>"No way Cartman.. I aint muscling in on Kenny's buisness..." I replied slowly...<br>Cartman looked as though he was about to explode, desperate to understand my refusal at his incredible offer..  
>"Kinny's business? Jesus Christ! You're almost as big a pussy as Stan! Well if you wanna be a poor asshole that's fine by me!" Cartman barked...<p>

No one ever calls me a pussy, never... Damn Cartman even when you ignore the fat cunt he still manages to worm his way back in...  
>"Okay so what's the job?" I asked plainly... The darkness in Cartman's eyes lit up... I could see him desperately trying to formulate his words...<br>"2 kilos of Afghani sludge... Make sure Butters doesn't find out..." Cartman plainly mumbled...  
>"You gotta take it to Connifer, meet mah nigga Jamari and get the deal done..." Cartman continued...<p>

Shit I must be mad, if I get caught selling heroin that's 10-15 years in jail... 25 in New York... No way am I gonna look like a pussy in front of Cartman though...  
>He would go on about it for the next 60 years.. God willing I aint living in this town after I'm 21...<br>"Fine Cartman... Leave the shit here and I'll go to Connifer... How much money can I expect to make?" I asked...  
>"$50,000 for us both... If you scam me though Tucker you're dead!" Cartman warned...<p>

50 grand... Fifty thousand dollars... Jesus christ what would I do with it? That aint the sort of money you can just stick in your back pocket...  
>"I won't scam you Fatass... No need to worry about that.." I plainly explained...<br>"Fine! Then I must take leave! The girls from Texas need a bit of my homecooked meth.." Cartman blared, desperate to make his nonsense known for even half a minute...  
>He left 5 finely wrapped packages on the table... Fuck there's enough to keep an Al Qaeda suburb going right now...<br>What am I actually doing? Have I finally took the step over the boundary of moral conscience? I mean I am planning to sell heroin for the likes of Cartman?

It seems I really have no choice in the matter. Shit i'm really freaking out though.. Five sealed packages of pure heroin sat on the table.. Thank god the police in this town are so stupid...  
>"Tweek! I gotta go somewhere hon! I'll be back later!" I quickly shouted, hastily stuffing said vile into my backpack...<br>"Okay sweetheart! See you later!" Tweek shouted from the kitchen...  
>I went down to the bus depot.. I had to wait a while though because up here in the Rockies half of the drivers are either alcoholics or drug addicts...<br>Finally i saw the bus marked 'Connifer'.. I got on and sat right at the back.. A lot of unfriendly black gangsters were sat in front of me...  
>"Hey white boy! What you doing? You frontin! Haha nigga this kid is crazy!" One of the girls shouted... They put on some of their rap music really loudly.. A very busybody-ish woman told them politely to turn it down, only to have a 9MM pistol shoved in her face.<p>

It was a very short drive to Connifer, the mouthy black gangsters got off the bus first, getting in a beat down old Chevy as soon as their feet hit the road...  
>I looked at the note of paper Cartman handed to me '19 Forest Clearing Drive, Connifer'... I walked through the many suburbs, attracting some weird looks seeing as how I was the only white guy walking through a very predominantly black neighbourhood..<br>"What the fuck this fool doing? Aint nobody got time fo dat!" A large lady exclaimed as I walked past.. "Sure thing Terise! Aint no-one got time fo dat shit!" Her friends added..  
>A few girls were twerking to the Rihanna song 'Pour It Up' outside the house I was meant to leave this stuff at...<br>"Yo ladies! Is a guy called Jamari here?" I asked.. They looked at me as though I had just burned down the local church...  
>"This fool for real? SHANNA! SHANNA!" The girls asked, shouting for their friend... A girl who looked just as though she'd walked off the set of a cheesy sitcom walked up to me... The one Latino girl in the black neighbourhood.<br>"What business you got with my fiancee?" The girl asked, her thick Puerto Rican accent difficult to understand unless you were paying complete attention...  
>"Look lady I'm here on the business of Eric Cartman... I just need to see your guy Jamari.." I carefully explained...<p>

"Fool you with Eric Cartman? Shit you should have said so homie! Follow me!" Shanna exclaimed... Soon the very altruistic, untrusting vibe was completely let down...  
>As I entered the house I could see a lot of people who were completely wasted.. Loud 1990s rave music could be heard as soon as you passed the threshold...<br>"Waaa ho! Waa ho! Let me tell you! Let me tell you what you doing to me!" A young girl sang along... "Shanna who the fuck dis nigga? You fuckin' this guy?" A large man who I assumed knew this girl suddenly asked...  
>"Nooo! Look Antoine where's Jamari?" Shanna asked trying to be heard over the loud music...<br>"He's up in the bedroom y'all... I wouldn't take this white kid with you girl... Boy gon clap his ass.." Antoine replied...

"Look kid! Just give me the stuff then I'll come back with the money!" Shanna shouted over the loud music... I passed over said offensive packages... Within 25 minutes she was back with a paper bag... "100 grand y'all! Now get the fuck out of my house..." Shanna loudly ordered...  
>The bag wasn't in my hands 2 minutes when three large guys marched me out of the house...<br>The walk back to the bus depot was a long one... For the drive back to South Park not much else happened...  
>As soon as I got back into town I made my way round to Cartman's house... It seemed as though business was quiet at Cartman's this week...<br>Usually about a hundred 40 year old guys could be seen entering his house day and night...

As I entered the house the music of Lady Gaga could be heard.. As for the sights well if Butters down on his knees providing for his addiction is considered a sight then you must be more fucked up than Cartman...  
>As soon as Cartman saw me he flipped the switch on his Beats Pill.. I mean remember he's meant to hate Lady Gaga with every inch of his being..<br>"I'm done now whore.. Piss off.." Cartman ordered, throwing a small plastic bag at Butters... As soon as that bag hit his hands he was out the door...  
>"Sooo Craig... I trust you have my money? I'll have that twitchy little bitch killed if you dont!" Cartman ranted...<br>I seperated the money in my hands and threw what I had counted out back into the bag...  
>"Quite a juicy little collection isn't it... And to further show my gratitude... A bit of weed!" Cartman suddenly exclaimed...<br>He threw me a tiny baggie that was full to the brim of crystallised THC.. The most expensive marijuana that money can be.. Which is weird considering it's left over powder but yeah...  
>"Don't worry Tucker! Kinny wont know shit... Not that white trash of his callibre could ever afford this shit! Dumb fucking redneck!" Cartman wheezed...<br>"Now get out of my house! I am a busy man, 24 hours just isn't enough in the day for one such as I!" Cartman demanded...

I knew when I was no longer needed so I left his house quickly... $50,000 shit I have no idea what to do with this money...  
>I went round to Kenny's, I mean that little baggie of left over dust wont last all that long... I gave Kenny $400.. I mean he must have thought it was Christmas...<br>So now I am walking around town with $478,000 and a half ounce of marijuana on my person...  
>Ohh well at least I can say I was like Sammy Hagar for one day...<p>

Addiction? Oh no, I can stop anytime, really,  
>I can really I can, if I wanted to . . But I don't want to.. I mean who would want to stop something that made you so calm and collected?<br>Hell if it wasn't for cannabis I doubt someone like me could ever show emotion...  
>I am now fit with a choice &amp; a voice. Delivered from the madness of one such as Cartman.. Forever glibly accepting my fate as his somewhat comrade...<p>

Cartman had texted me saying as soon as I was available he would need my services again...  
>Well I suppose it's not me injecting all that muck so I can't feel all that bad...<br>Needless to say I think Cartman will spend about a grand of that cash on Butters...  
>For the same message that was sent to me,<br>That life might be saved and be set free...  
>Could I set myself free? Were the chains too tight for me to realise my damnation?<p>

Shit I don't know.. Maybe I'm just mad... Well I'm sort of mad working for Cartman that I will not dispute...  
>Evil has no easy explanation. A feeling that could make someone feel broken down and destroyed, yet apathetically healed by someone's gift of undeserved malice...<br>Love washes over evil like an ocean, and in that ocean all I can see is myself and Tweek...  
>I know for a fact we would never be consumed by the type of evil that had destroyed Butters Stotch and Eric Cartman...<br>I mean them two were like the real life Bonnie and Clyde.. Always out to destroy someone; always out for what they could get...

Who amongst us is really free? Do we all even know what it is to be free? My freedom is not a vote, or a nice shiny car to go along with the government paycheck...  
>My freedom is knowing that I would wrong no one, nor want to...<p>

I couldn't wait to get back to Tweek's house and see him.. My god what words could describe how I feel for that boy...  
>Oh beautiful one, adorned with blonde hair and green eyes, he invades my world as might an alien...<br>An angel in absoloutely every sense of the word... A hot angel + witch who also happens to be the love of my life...  
>if there was only peace in the world, all the countries in the world would be poor. The beautiful planet would be covered in cities, farms and agriculture.<br>Yet at the same time, if there was only peace people like Eric Cartman would be senteced to the most harshest justice...

Maybe I just want that peace for the world? The knowledge of knowing that nothing crazy could destroy lives...  
>No great evil could destroy decades of societal backgrounds...<br>No insane madman could just decide to destroy the world...  
>Yet I know deep in my heart such peace would come at a great cost to everyone...<p>

As I got back to Tweek's house I had to sit down... The walk from the bus depot is a very long and arduous one...  
>I want you to imagine Conan The Barbarian going off on his adventure to kill the dude who slaughtered his parents...<br>I had walked quite a simmilar distance... "Hey Craig... Where did you get that money?" Tweek asked...  
>I spent half an hour explaining it to him.. His face was struck with a look of complete shock then confusion...<br>"Wait so you're telling me your Cartman's drug hound now? Jesus Christ Tucker... This is crazy!" Tweek yelped...  
>"Babe I'm only doing this for you! I want you to have nice things.. You deserve to be covered in diamonds.. Not that bitch Ariana Grande.." I replied quietly...<br>"Craig I dont need or fucking want diamonds! I just want you... Only you... But seeing as how this is Cartman.. Shit whatever man.." Tweek mumbled...

"Look Tweek we need to disconnect ourselves from this... Yeahh I just sold enough heroin to send me down.. But I did it for you...  
>We can spend this 50 grand on whatever we want..." I carefully explained...<br>"Well do you know what Craig.. Take that money somewhere else... I don't wanna talk to you right now..." Tweek snapped, clicking his fingers and dissapearing into thin air...

Damnit Tucker! God I am such a nincompoop! Suppose that's what you get for working for Cartman...  
>I decided to go for a walk...<br>When I made it to the top of the viewpoint I sat and smoked what Cartman had gave me... The strong taste of the pure THC nearly made me choke...  
>Maybe working for Cartman isn't so bad? I mean it's not like anyone I know is on the brown... Well except for Butters but no one got time for his bullshit...<br>I've found a friend in nature, although nature could turn on me at any given time... The storms of old could sear my flesh.. Or perhaps the local mountain lion would happen upon me...

But what really is nature? The grass and the trees?  
>The dark evil side of men and women?<br>There is no way to describe nature.. You have to see it for yourself...Are demons angels that have lost their way? Wings heavenly burdened with sadness and sorrow, Their eyes veiled with the pain of separation.  
>Perhaps, but one with a more altrustic personality would describe nature as simply life...<br>All theories are wrong... Nature is that what keeps the human heart going... It isn't a tree, a pretty woman or the clouds...  
>It's that which keeps the blood pumping through our veins...<br>That's what nature is... At least in my opinion...

Some people can't deal with the reality of nature... their minds unravels slowly.. Knowing that what they had pereived for their future had slowly turned to dust...  
>I was one of those people who still had some tiny menial grip on reality...<br>I knew I was sane because I knew that what Cartman was doing was wrong... That what Butters was doing was wrong...  
>You can call the big white truck for me when I decide that perhaps it's alright...<br>For someone with as strong a character as me though I know that day will never happen... My mind is too strong for the elusive headgames of Eric Cartman...  
>Perhaps he knows that? Perhaps he's sitting there silently going over that fact right now...<p>

The only thing I know is, is that I crossed a great moral boundary today... I have made a small fortune off the suffering of others...  
>I took my lighter and burned the notes, throwing them away... The burning paper an almost religious sign...<br>"I must be fucking mad.." I thought aloud... I sat there watching the burning paper flying on the wind... The dark symbol of Cartman's greed travelling across America... Darkening whatever sky it happened to pass over...

A:N/ Heey guys! Took me a bit longer to write this sorry...  
>BTW , Cartman as Larry Tate? Hope you guys dont mind...<br>Any reviews, ideas, critcism or thoughts would be great...  
>Lots of love, kisses and hugs for my fanss Sally xxx<p> 


	30. Chapter 30

A:N/ After the disastrous drug deal gone wrong.. What's gonna happen to Craig?  
>Don't Own South Park Or Bewitched...<br>Not making any money Enjoy guyss xx ;)

Tweek's POV: I am so mad I can't find the words to explain it! I can't believe Craig was just casually selling drugs for Cartman.. He text me the other night saying he got rid of the money but I'm still pissed off... I mean it's been two weeks since I last saw him now... My Aunt and Cousin are obviously having a field day with the entire concept...  
>Luckily though my Mom and Dad are way more supportive.. Pissed off like but still real supportive...<br>For an update on my life not much has been happening really... Like I say I haven't seen Craig for a fortnight... I've just been getting along with my life... Well if you can call it that...

I mean don't get me wrong I miss him real bad... But I need to teach him a lesson that I do not approve at all of what he's done... I mean selling drugs for profit?  
>Yeah I ocassionaly smoke a bit of weed but selling opiates is disgusting.. I mean we can use Butters as an example for that...<br>The poppy has completely destroyed the lives of Butters and his parents... Linda Stotch was insitutionalised last week.. Unable to deal with the knowledge that her son was a junkie and a prostitute... Not that it's exactly hidden knowledge I mean everyone knows... I bet you $100 that there isn't one person in South Park who hasn't slept with the Stotch boy...  
>Only last week Mr Garrison was sauntering into Cartman's house. Leaving with a big smile on his face and coming to school the next day like nothing happened...<p>

Meanwhile the Kardashians decided to move back to California, in the end everyone in town got real fed up and forced them to leave...  
>Which is really good because Kim Kardashian was starting to send me crazy with her whining and extremeties...<br>I've had like 300 missed calls and about 50 texts off Craig... Desperate to answer them but I gotta remain strong... I mean I'll go back to him when the time's right...  
>One text gave me a feeling of dread though.. It was from Eric Cartman... 'Look you little bitch! I am sick of my new lacky complaining about your moral issues... If you dont let me complete my work then I can have Tucker killed.. Cartman' Was all it said...<br>How does that guy get everyone's phone number? I'm sure Cartman is an expert hacker because I would never share my number with him...  
>'Leavee me alone fatass... I don't agree with what ur doing..' I texted back... I didn't have to wait half a second to get an extremely displeased reply...<br>'Listen up.. If you fuck with me I can make your life really difficult... You seem to forget your talking to God..' Cartman ranted on.. Gotta remember to change my number...  
>'Okaay good one... Look Cartman I don't care.. My life is way too important to put up with your shit ;) byeee.' I quickly typed...<p>

When I was done texting, I decided to help myself to some of the leftover potato salad my mom made last night.. Mmn yummy...  
>Suddenly another text came through 'You can't ignore me forever Tweekers.. Please text me back..'... God Tucker you sure dont give up I'll give you that...<br>'Naah you're alright... You should be dating the chick from N-Dubz... Both being drug pushers and all..' I typed quickly...  
>'I'm coming round... cyu in 5.' Craig texted back.. Great I look like absoloute crap and he's coming round for a reconciliation...<br>The sides of my hair need shaving, my dark circles are worse than ever... I mean I seriously look like Kristen Stewart after a night of tequila slammers...  
>I got my dad's old army clippers, after a few minutes I had a perfect mohawk again... Still all sticky-uppy and straw like but hey nobody's perfect...<br>I replicated myself an outfit from Vogue.. Shame the guy looks so miserable; guess fashion and lots of money don't solve anything..

I decided to take a bit of my mom's face powder to cover the darkness under my eyes.. Wow I actually look kinda hot.. No wonder girls spend a fortune on this shit...  
>Then suddenly there was a loud knocking at the door.. Nice timing Craig...<br>I opened the door with a smile on my face, only for it to instantly dissapear when I realised it was Cartman...  
>"Aaah Tweek.. Mind if I come in?" Cartman asked rhetorically... Even if you said no he would still come in... I nodded my head and he walked in and sat on my sofa...<br>He was smoking a cigar which was making the room smell like a Turkish brothel... "Do you have to smoke that in here? Jeez!" I whined...  
>"Well seeing as how you so rudely cut me off I think not..." Cartman smiled, his brown decaying teeth flashing me in the face...<br>"You see all you guys owe me a debt... You can't just screw that little crackhead for nothing you know... And I know you and Tucker like Butters... Not to mention Stan, Kinny and about 40 other people.." Cartman ranted on...  
>"And once that debt is paid... Then I will relinquish Craig of his duties... And if you refuse, then I swear to god I'll put your Mom on the game..." Cartman continued...<br>Fucking prick no one threatens my mother... Shit chill out Tweek... THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE! ERGHH!  
>"You go anywhere near my Mom and you'll regret it Cartman..." I seethed...<br>"Ha I'm joking dude! Your mom's at least 40! Who the fuck wants that?" Cartman laughed... "You will pay for your disobediance though, that I shall make sure of..." He mumbled...

Another knock at the door... Luckily this time it was Craig... He saw Cartman and as I could see his opening line was completely cut off...  
>"Look just sit down.. Fatass is here.." I plainly mumbled... Craig sat down next to Cartman.. Trying to breathe under the humid haze of the cigar...<br>"Cartman look I don't wanna work for you... Can't you get someone else to do the deliveries?" Craig suddenly interjected...  
>"Haha! Naah I know you two won't fuck me around... I won't fuck you around if you do as I say.." Cartman barked...<br>"But I have a slightly different job for you next monday Tucker... I need you to pick up one of my hoes from Denver.." Cartman explained carefully...

"No way Cartman... I ain't kidnapping some young girl.. That's where I seriously draw the line..." Craig mumbled...  
>Cartman burst out laughing.. The suggestion of such things surely exciting him sexually...<br>"No you dumb asshole! The chick's already in my repetoire... I just need you to pick her up..." Cartman continued...  
>"You'll get $600 for your part of the bargain... And if you two want anything else... Weed? Guns? Alcohol? Nuf said..." Cartman smiled, his dark eyes sparkling.<br>"Okay Cartman.. But you owe me for this.." Craig muttered... "Ha, I probably do... Well I'll see you fags later.. I got shit to do.." Cartman exclaimed, standing up and leaving the room...

"Umm so now Fatass is gone? Can we please be friends again?" Craig asked quietly... I saw him examining my clothes, hair and body... Damn why do I feel so good when he looks at me like that? Like am I loose or cheap or something?  
>"God damnit Tucker... I wish I didn't love you... You are a crazy asshole but I fucking love you.." I replied honestly... I think you can tell where it went from there...<p>

40 minutes and two soaked bedsheets later and I was examining my life in my head... Trying to think why Cartman would be so interested in having us sorting out his business...  
>I mean he must be mad surely... Why would anyone entrust such an illegal and personal business to someone else?<br>Mind you Cartman is one of the stupidest (yet at the same time most cunning) people I have ever known...  
>Me and Craig spent the rest of the afternoon talking, smoking weed and discussing our lives... Cartman was a big topic of conversation between us for 2 hours...<br>I don't like the idea of Craig being his employee but I guess I just gotta suck it up and get on with it...

"Look you know I don't agree with the shit Fatass is doing right? It's all for the cash.." Craig suddenly mumbled...  
>"That still doesn't make it right... But I'm just gonna go along with it..." I quietly added...<br>That awkward silence had once again risen.. The silent elephant sitting in the room... Slowly devouring all conversation and thoughts...  
>"Look babe I only care about you.. But that money could really help my Mom..." Craig continued...<br>"It doesn't change the fact your making a profit off the suffering of others..." I silently muttered...

"Yeah you do have a point Tweekers... But Cartman did say this isn't a permanent position.." Craig added...  
>Wish I could believe that.. I think at that moment I believed it to be true... Cartman would never relinquish his power over someone.. It was just completely out of the question...<br>I mean he would never give up the chance to exploit someone; it's completely against his nature...  
>God when did my life get so unbearably crazy? Well it always has been but the pressure is really pushing down on me right now...<br>"If you honestly believe that you are retarded... Like seriously retarded..." Was the only thing I could think to say...  
>Craig just laughed, got his clothes on and suggested we watch some TV... Well I guess there's not much else to do...<p>

There was not a lot on... Well that I liked anyway... American Dad! and Family Guy were on so that kept Tucker entertained...  
>I was real hungry so I snapped my fingers and made the full Thanksgiving dinner.. I just feel like pigging out...<br>Wow my turkey is almost as good as the one my mother makes... Not as special seeing as how I just conjured it out of thin air but yeah...  
>"Haha you go Peter!" Craig laughed from the other room.. Apparently this week Peter Griffin had got a job as a security guard... "Umm excuse me! Yeah I wanna order a Chinese takeout! Ahahah!" Peter Griffin droned from the TV set...<p>

Wow not saying I dislike Family Guy but that show just gets less interesting every year...  
>Craig and everyone else I know (excluding Cartman) love it though so they must be doing something right...<br>"Peetah! I told you to stop calling the Chinese Takeout!" Lois Griffin nagged...  
>"Haha gee Lois you sure are funny.. You gonna cook my dinner?" Peter replied... Craig laughed as though he was witnessing the most comical thing since Biblical times...<p>

I carried on eating my self made turkey.. Mmn damn that's nice... Vegetables aint really up to scratch but still it's enjoyable...  
>"TWEEK! Quick! Brian and Stewie got a job at Seaworld!" Craig shouted...<br>I quickly tidied up the mess in the kitchen and sat down next to Craig on the couch...  
>Oh my god don't even know where to start on this thinly plotted episode... I mean seriously how many cutbacks has this show had? I blame the FOX network...<br>Brian and Stewie Griffin spent the next 20 minutes harrasing some guy who wanted to swim with the dolphins...  
>Peter and Lois took a vacation to China... And Meg? Well nuf said right there...<p>

I was actually gonna die of excitement when the ending credits rolled.. I can see why Cartman dislikes this... Most episodes are complete utter garbage...  
>"Haha I wish Peter was real.." Craig giggled... If Peter Griffin was real god knows I'd cast a spell to permanently mute him...<br>"I dont... I'm glad he's a cartoon.." I added... Craig looked at me as though I was mad to not understand the comedic genius of Seth MacFarlene...  
>There were a few pointless shows on until finally the Simpsons came on... I actually like the Simpsons a lot... Random as shit but funny...<br>In this episode Homer was arrested for trying to smuggle guns into Springfield; Bart and Lisa made a hit record.. And Marge painted the house in a funky colour...  
>Wow they must be really running out of ideas. Suppose that's the one problem when you've been on the air for 25 years...<p>

I decided to turn the TV off.. It's spewed out enough garbage today for my liking... Craig said he was gonna go pick his sister up from her friends house...  
>We hugged and kissed and I saw him to the door... There he goes again... Off walking down that lonely stretch of road...<br>I decided to go up to my room and listen to my music... Katy Perry.. and before you start whatever I love Katy...  
>"Pop that confetti, pop that perignon.." I sang along, getting out my homework book... Can't be doing with Garrison's bullshit so I'll just get it done...<br>" I'll make it like your birthday everyday! So make your wish! Make it like your birthday everyday!" I sang...

"Nice singing cuz... Heard her concert is shit but yeahh." My cousin laughed, suddenly appearing in my room...  
>"I can see why that annoys Craig now.." I silently mumbled...<br>"Ohh please! Mr I Sell Drugs? Told you that guy was a wrong-un..." Tavian giggled...  
>"Look if you knew Eric Cartman you'd know how easy he can manipulate people..." I added...<br>"Eric Cartman? Yeah a lot of people in this town talk about him as though he's some sort of local celebrity..." My cousin muttered...  
>"More infamy than anything... Look Tay i'm real busy I need to get this stuff done.." I quietly explained...<br>"Ohh my god your so boring! I fancy a trip to Bangkok anyway... Ciaaaaao!" Tavian waved, dissapearing without a word's notice...

I might be boring but at least i've got my feet on the ground... My cousin is crazy like... Always out partying and fooling around with mortals...  
>I mean he could seriously expose our age old secret if he's not careful... Witches have managed to live alongside regular humans for generations...<br>Well there was the whole Salem incident... Not that any of those chicks were real witches... Fire cannot hurt us at all...  
>Only Sapphire can hurt us.. Shame as it's a real pretty stone... God help me if anyone finds that out...<br>As soon as I got my work done I decided to zap myself over to Craig's...

Cool it looks like his Mom and Dad aren't here... I could hear him and his sister talking upstairs... "That Cartman is a real douche... Could you beat him up for me?" Ruby asked...  
>"Hun I wish I could... Cartman and me.. Shit complicated much..." Craig replied dully...<br>I knocked on the door, pretty useless but I wanted them to know I was here... "Ohh Hi Tweek!" Ruby shouted... I think she's kinda got the hots for me... If she wasn't 9 years old and a girl she might actually have some sort of chance but there we go...  
>"Yo sis.. Go play on your iPad yeahh?" Craig sarcastically mumbled... "Ohh whatever ya big ol douche!" Ruby laughed, flipping her older brother off and retreating to her room..<p>

"Soooo.. I take it you finished all that work?" Craig asked... Well bit of an obvious question but we haven't long reconciled our differences...  
>"Umm yeah... Pretty much like..." I plainly replied... I don't know I just aint in that much of a talkative mood today...<br>We decided to go up to Craig's room.. Obviously with his sister in the house I kept my pants on... She like everyone knows but I don't want everyone listening to my sex noises.. WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE!

Craig put on some weird clubbing music.. Lots of drops and funky disco samples... Not my sort of thing but I guess it's okay if your out of it in a nightclub...  
>"You got me feelin' raw baby.. Mmn damn that's fine!" The woman on the stereo blared.. Nice voice...<br>"Who's that chick on the CD?" I found myself asking... Craig looked at me with a strange look... I don't think he actually knows...  
>"No idea she's got a sick voice though man... I'd love to see one of those bitches on MTV try to match that.." Craig plainly muttered...<p>

The music went on and the tracks gradually got crapper and crapper.. Being the nice friendly person I am though I did not make any salubrious comments...  
>I just sat there in the arms of my lover, listening to the crappy recycled club music... Damn no wonder people take drugs to dance to this shit...<br>With every day I know I'm blessed that we're a part of each other... Glad to know that we're just two people who found love in a dastardly situation...  
>Time stops for a brief moment, We're in our own world, Worries or thoughts completely gone..<br>I love the way he tells me that I'm beautiful, and the way he makes me laugh like no one else. This is us, Never alone, We have each other. Just two small fish in the vast ocean they call life...

I honestly wouldn't have it any other way though... I can't imagine living my life without feeling like this...  
>I'm sure Craig feels the same way too... At least I hope he does... I must be mad of course he does.. I mean the numerous missed calls and texts prove that...<br>All I know is I'm so deeply in love with him i'd go through any hardship to be with him...  
>I would literally walk the entire world on foot for that guy.. And he knows that deep in his heart of hearts...<p>

"You know something Tweek?" Craig suddenly asked...  
>"Yeah what?..." I replied lamely...<br>"Do you like motorbikes? Cause that Kanye West kind of gave me an idea..." Craig laughed, giving me that dark predatory look... Damn he gets me going every single time...  
>"Yeaah I love motorbikes.." I giggled, fluttering my long eyelashes...<br>"Well that's good... How about we take a trip to the Nevada Desert?" Craig suggested...

I clicked my fingers and I found that we were indeed somewhere in the harsh deserts of Nevada, with only a Yamaha motorbike for company...  
>Shit this is gonna be difficult... Kim Kardashian makes it look so easy but having sex on a motorbike looks real difficult...<br>I removed my clothes and did the same for Craig... Okay Tweek chill out you can do this...  
>I got up on the bike and leaned up against the front of it... Craig got on and we spent an awkward few minutes trying to figure out how this was going to work...<p>

Finally he managed to get it in... Wow I love how the metal is making me arch my back... Did I really just say that? Shit man I must be crazy...  
>We spent the next half an hour having wild violent sex in the middle of the desert... Well this gives riding a bike a whole new meaning...<br>Then suddenly I felt the harsh wetness in the depths of my ass... "Mmn yeah! Damn your so hot!" Craig moaned...  
>"Uh huh honey! Alright!" I cried... We got ourselves cleaned up and decided to look at the amazing scenery surrounding us...<br>Dark almost Martian looking desert surrounded everywhere for at least 100 miles in each direction.. The tall canyons like faux skyscrapers in the distance...

"I love you baby.. Always have... Always will.." Craig sighed, putting his arm over my shoulder...  
>"We'd better get back to yours... Your sister is gonna wonder what happened... " I suggested...<br>He didn't object to my concerns at all and within a nanosecond we were back in South Park... Back in Craig's bedroom...  
>"Well I can say we went to Nevada at least." Craig muttered...<br>"Yeaah I guess! Hehe!" I giggled... I can't believe I just had sex on a motorbike... Suck on that Kim K...  
>"Can I just say you are way hotter than that bitch by the way... Seriously Kanye is really missing out..." Craig laughed... Aaww niicee..<p>

"Well let's just be glad they are all banned from this town..." I added quietly...  
>"Yeaah not to mention Garrison got some of his own medicine." Craig giggled.. Glad to see that Garrison had some mild form of comeupppance...<br>We sat there for the rest of the night; listening to the radio and talking over sweet nothings... Just casually discussing our life as though we were the most luckiest people in the world...  
>I felt lucky because I knew I would never be able to love anyone else as deeply as this.<br>I was slowly starting to feel like a thirsty soul left yearning for the divine gift love provides.  
>I mean I knew we both deeply loved each other... But I still felt insecure... I must be mad to feel so many things at once...<p>

It felt like a sunset rising over a weary world... Something so beautiful and natural yet at the same time so confusing...  
>I couldn't sum it up in any words... At least in language that one could understand...<br>I guess I just found myself submitting to lust. Passion and emotion combined to a rush.  
>A deep sensual kind of feeling that could not be felt that often in every lifetime...<br>True love is like a dozen roses, the most beautiful flowers God has made.  
>I felt as though I was gonna be with Craig forever.. That we would always be with each other to sort out the other's problems...<p>

At least that is what I always wanted... He claims to feel the same way... I don't know maybe I'm being paranoid or something...  
>Everyone has things they must conceal in some shape or form.. We all wear our societal masks...<br>But I just cant go around shouting 'Hi everybody I'm a witch!'... I mean that would piss a lot of people off...  
>But that's just the general human nature... You can't do nothing to change something that has been formed over so many generations...<br>Romance is a language of intimacy, one act of chivalry, manifested by outward expression... I knew for a fact me and Craig were in it for the long haul...

I will never love anyone as deeply as I love him... I know that from the bottom of my heart...  
>If he ever broke my heart I don't think I'd be able to go on living...<br>I know that for certain... Call me paranoid if you want but I dont wanna lose him...

A:N/ Well be honest.. the Bound 2 scene... Hot or Not? Please let me know Reviews, Criticisms, Ideas, Thoughts All would be very greatly appreciated

Love my fans so fucking much xxx Lots of Love, Hugs and Kisses Sally Morriss xxx 


	31. Chapter 31

A:N/ Soooooooo; Motorbike loving? Drug Dealing? Could it get any crazier?  
>Don't own South Park or Bewitched... Enjoy guyss Sally xooxo<p>Craig's POV: It had been quite the crazy ol' week... Cartman has been harrasing me to no end.. Seems like no one else would even humour his business interests...<br>I mean the only reason I am is because he could easily blackmail me and Tweek... Apart from that anything to make him shut up is good...  
>I picked up the girl he was on about from Denver who weirdly actually wanted to be a prostitute.. Even though she had no addictions or vices to pay for...<br>Speaking of addiction and vice; Butters nearly OD'd the other day in school.. Garrison found it to be really hillarious but like I say the Stotch boy is now up at Hell's Pass...  
>There was no police investigation because everyone is far too scared of the reprecussions...<p>

I mean Cartman is the sort of guy who will disembowell you and eat you for breakfast... His madness is famed for at least 100 miles in every direction...  
>I did a few more jobs for him but donated what money I earned to charity or gave it to my Mom... Of course Tweek doesn't agree but he's a good kid.. It's not like I wanna sell drugs for Eric Cartman but it is way better than some of the crazy alternatives he could hand out...<br>I was walking home, it was 2:30PM and colder than ever... I just wanted to sit down and have a look at what was on the TV...

I came across Wendy and Bebe talking to some girls I didn't know... Well I did know of them but shit I didn't know their names or anything...  
>The only ones i recognised were Red and Annie Nelson, both real crazy bitches if you said the wrong thing... I decided to keep walking but girls being girls they shouted for me...<br>"CRAIG! OVER HERE!" Bebe screeched... It would be best not to ignore her... Only last night Clyde ignored her Facebook messages and she put a brick through his window...  
>"What do you guys want?" I asked quietly... "Did you hear about Butters? Oh my god it's crazy!" Wendy exclaimed... The other girls added a response of either 'yeah' or 'oh my god'..<br>Dont think 'oh my god' is a strong enough word for this situation... Maybe fucked up beyond all recognition; shit that's the right kind of word for this situation...

"Yeah man.. His own fault though... Aint nobody forced him to look for a vein..." I added honestly... They all looked at me as though I was some unholy demon...  
>"His own fault? Really Tucker? Jeeeeeez.." Annie Nelson muttered... "Craig it aint Butters' fault... It's that fat piece of shit Cartman's fault!" Wendy snapped...<br>Yeah sure it was Cartman's fault; but Butters had followed him blindly... A very stupid thing to do; Cartman is like Roger off American Dad... Sociopathic, Unbalanced and totally Unpredictable...  
>"I ain't disputing that ladies... But I gotta be on my way..." I plainly mumbled... They waved their hands at me and I carried on with my journey...<br>Wish i didn't live so far out from the centre of town... Fucking sucks man... I carried on walking trying to ignore the almost hypothermic weather...  
>Seriously and Bear Grylls complains about walking through Alaska? Try the Colorado Rockies then we'll see who's tough...<p>

Unfortunately for me my day took a sudden turn... In the form of the four biggest douchebags to ever walk the earth.. Well Kenny not so much but yeah...  
>"Kiinny it ain't my fault! You guys I'm serious! I just got the dosage wrong!" Cartman whined... Trying to convince everyone it was all Butters' fault...<br>"Seriously Cartman just shut up... You've done some grossly offensive things in your time.. But this is just fucking unnaceptable!" Kyle barked...  
>"DAMN JEW! IT WAS HIS FAULT!" Cartman screamed... Unlike every other day though said Jew just carried on walking; ignoring the hateful words of his constant tormentor...<br>Unfortunately for me they caught sight of me and decided to stop for a chat... Damn if I had a gun I would so shoot myself...

I can deal with Kenny on his own... Same could be said for Marsh if he wasn't so annoying... Kyle is a bit of an uptight prick for my liking...  
>Cartman; shit man nuf said... But when they are all together I cant fucking stand it... You just know some crazy shit is gonna erupt right in front of you...<br>"Hey Craig!" Stan shouted... Damn should have worn my oversized hoodie... Guess I gotta talk to these assholes now...  
>"Sup Marsh..." I plainly replied.. Kyle and Kenny uttered their greetings yet Cartman was silent... He was far too busy texting someone...<br>"Say hello to Craig, Cartman.." Stan ordered, looking pissed off with the Fatass' antics...  
>"GOD! IM BUSY! HELLO! HELLLO! HELLO!" Cartman ranted, pissed off at having his important business disrupted...<p>

"So what you doing Tucker?" Kenny asked, those dark blue eyes flirting as always... Damn if Kenny doesnt die of AIDS by the time he's 20 i'll eat my hat... Not that it would matter, You could kill Kenny a million times and he'd be back all fixed the next day...  
>"Casually walking home like? Are you guys gonna have one of your crazy adventures today or?" I mumbled sarcastically...<br>"Well we already got into a fight with Dick Cheney sooo... Yeahh..." Stan muttered...

See who else would that happen to? Unlike those guys I actually have the common sense that when something arises to just stay out of it...  
>But no those assholes are the type to annoy Barbra Streisand until she transforms into a huge robot dragon thing... The type to start war with aliens from a far off galaxy...<br>Annoying aint the word for that shit; let me make that quite plain... But seeing as how I'm stood here talking to them I guess I could ammend some of that statement...  
>"Look hate to sound grouchy and all but I got shit to do..." I muttered... I'd had enough of their mind-boggling conversations...<br>They said their goodbyes and went on their way, some random guy shooting Kenny in the face as they crossed the road... Wow dread to think how boring this place would be if it wasn't for those guys... Holy shit did I really just say that? Damn Craig you need to stop smoking weed dude...

I decided to take a quick walk to the Mall.. Seeing as how it's quite close to my house... Not that i'd shop anywhere I just like sitting in the food court looking miserable...  
>You can get a free bagel if you sit there long enough... As I walked through the doors I could see a lot of people doing their clothes shopping...<br>The goth kids were all walking in front of me, discussing who did the blackest eyeliner and the craziest footwear... Wow for people who are severely depressed they are obsessed with fashion... I thought that was non-comformist but not like I really care or anything...  
>And then the ultimate icebreaker, Sharon and Randy Marsh both arguing over something stupid... At least they weren't kicking the shit out of each other like my Mom and Dad..<br>I can remember when I was younger my Dad hit my Mom so hard she was unconcious for 5 hours... But they're both deeply in love so what can you do...

"Ohh come on Sharon! Gaaawdd!" Randy whined... "No Randy! I'm not buying that cookbook for you! I'm sick of waking up to a kitchen covered in gunk!" Sharon snapped...  
>"God Sharon! You're such a controlling bitch!" Randy ranted... "RANDY! Go and sit in the car! I'll get you some food... Just leave me alone..." Sharon sighed...<br>Randy Marsh then retreated out of the mall, his sick perverted pleasure for cuisine unsatisfied.. And people wonder why this town is so fucked up...  
>Shit I bet Stan will be twice as crazy as his dad in about 20 years time... Hopefully I'll be somewhere on the East Coast by that time...<p>

After I was done loitering aimlessly I decided to walk home, there was nothing to interest me at this point in time... Only the casual boring conversations of those passing by...  
>Their undoubted resolve over what they disclaimed the harshness of live... Shit that's the understatement of the century... Sure life's a bitch and then you die...<br>I mean you only live once so you might as well be slightly happy.. That's what pisses me off about people who complain about their life all the time...  
>I mean if the Jigsaw Killer was real half the people in this town would be dead like...<p>

The walk home was neither interesting or eventful... Which I can say is quite relieving; I mean any chance to escape the crazy nature of everyday life in South Park is something I am definitely willing to take... That just reminds me I should go see Tweek... Ha that's got me thinking about our little escapade in Nevada...  
>All I can say is Tweek makes Kim Kardashian look like an ugly pre-op transexual... Not to mention he can really work the motorbike...<br>We are both surely gonna have a lawsuit off Kanye West but whatever.. I mean I'm sure making love on a motorbike has been around since the invention of the combustion engine?

Okay I seriously gotta remember to type in 'Sex on a motorbike' into Google when I have the time... Not that i care about being one-upped by a douche like Kanye West but still...  
>I was walking down the street looking at everything in my peripheral vision... I think it's one of those situations where you see your hopes and dreams lying on the ground...<br>Things might just pass into the night as the years go by but I wanna hang on to everything.. If that makes me crazy or insecure then I don't know what to say..  
>When I got to Tweek's house I could see he was quite busy doing his coffee and his dinner... Well not that busy considering he just zapped it out of nowhere...<p>

"Hi babe you ok?" Tweek asked... "Yeah I'm fine sweetheart, what about you?" I plainly replied, I was way too exhausted to make time for pleasantries and semantics...  
>"Umm yeah I-i'm fine..." Tweek mumbled... He got back to what he was doing and I decided to have a look what was on the television.<br>As usual nothing was really on.. More exagerated drama on the news and people worrying about things that probably didnt exist...  
>Let's just say Al Gore is still up to his old tricks... Crazy that guy is, absoloutely wacked out of his head...<br>"Damn when did TV get so crap eh?" Tweek mumbled, passing me a glass of water and some beef jerky... Way better than the stuff you can get at the shop I'll tell ya...

"Don't know about crap... maybe brain scrambling but not crap.." I silently muttered, I didn't feel in the mood for a real in depth sort of thing...  
>"So is Family Guy not on today or something?" Tweek asked curiously, truth is I hadn't actually looked.. But i'm kind of moody today so unfortunately even if it is I doubt Peter and Lois could lift my spirits... I mean I feel fine yet at the same time real lethargic and glib... It's weird man I dont know how to explain it clearly...<br>For a plain English explanation I dont think Family Guy will do it's job today... Which is really crap...

"Uhh no Family Guy isn't on today.." I lied, having checked that it was a few prior seconds ago... "Ohh right... Well why dont we like... Umm I don't know... Clean the house?" Tweek suggested... Wow dont know about cleaning, dont think im such a boring bastard that I'll clean the house out of choice just yet... Hell no maybe when I'm like 45 and life really starts to get boring...  
>"Tweekers you're mad... You are seriously OCD..." I giggled... Hmn well at least something lightened the tense arid atmosphere...<br>"No I'm not! Take that back Craig Tucker!" Tweek demanded, going red in the face...

"Shit dude I'm kidding... Come and sit by me; screw the TV! Tell me about your day.." I asked as politely as I knew how...  
>"Umm G-god... Errr... Not much really... I've just kinda been cleaning the house, cooked my dad's lunch for his big convention... Not a lot..." Tweek sighed...<br>"Not much over here either.. Just saw Marsh and his pack of idiots..." I seethed, damn maybe it's unhealthy how much I dislike Stan Marsh...  
>Believe me it gets a lot worse when you see your nemesis drunkly pounding your lover... But I'm an easygoing guy so I didn't say anything...<br>I'm sure fucking thinking something though I know that much... Damn I need to chill out, maybe smoke a doob or something...

"Oh my god! I heard about what happened to Butters! They should lock Cartman up and throw away the key!" Tweek yelped frantically...  
>"Haha yeah right.. Imprison Cartman? Fuck man that's science fiction that is.." I laughed, it was true though.. Cartman held the keys to a lot of doors in this town and people knew it...<br>He was like the silent overbearing enforcer waiting in the shadows... And just when you least expect it he'll drive a knife through your heart...  
>I mean if I had my way Cartman would get the lethal injection.. That fatass has made life miserable for so many people...<br>I guess maybe I was putting too much focus into how I disliked the three of them... Like I say Kenny is fine but he's kind of a sex maniac at times...

Many times I just think about the craziness that is slowly enveloping this whole place...  
>It's like a dark shadow hanging over your back, it can drive you crazy and it's cruel sometimes...<br>I mean I'm lucky to not be involved in most of the shit in this town, Yeaah I had my little adventure in Peru.. But apart from that I can avoid most of it...  
>But it seems with every passing year everyone in the whole town is getting more involved... Like a storm is heading this way... I don't know I just hope to god I'm not living in South Park in 10 years man...<p>

"Yeah but Cartman needs to go to prison Craig! Seriously he is fucking mad!" Tweek protested... Not that I disagree with him whatsoever...  
>"And for fuck sakes stop working for him! I keep worrying about you... I can't just click my fingers if you get shot!" He continued...<br>"Babe I ain't gonna get shot... Even if I do i'd haunt ya cause I love you so much..." I replied lamely, I tried to work some sort of emotional value into my voice but it's very difficult...  
>I mean I've been a cold uncaring asshole for most of my life... I ain't an evil guy but I aint exactly the guy who's gonna care if your Mom died yesterday...<p>

"Creeepy.. But thankss!" Tweek smiled, gettin up to go and put the dishes away... Why he bothers I don't know..  
>Maybe I should just allow his witchcraft? Shit might make things more interesting I don't know...<br>"Get me a sundae!" I shouted, Dog the Bounty Hunter was on and I ain't gonna miss that y'all...  
>Tweek came back into the room, snapped his fingers and two chocolate fudge sundaes were on the table...<br>"Oh my god... Dog the Bounty Hunter? Really? Like are you getting TV show advice from Cartman or something?" Tweek laughed, trying hard not to giggle...

Pfft whatever, Dog is cool.. Yeah he's a drunk prejudiced hick and his bitch Beth is crazy but he's funny man... I mean come on anyone who doesn't piss theirselves laughing at Dog the Bounty Hunter is a more boring asshole than me...  
>"Ohh come on Tweekers! Dog is awesome!" I fake cheered, not that my sarcasm was all too noticeable or strong...<br>"Okaay right. I'm sticking my headphones on..." Tweek giggled, aah well we all got different tastes in TV shows...

Dog and Beth arrested these two guys who were growing weed in a trailer... Numerous to say Dog beat the shit out of them.. His face turning a more dark purple shade with every blow... That guy is a fuckin' nutter! No wonder Cartman pretended to be him in grade school...  
>Soon after that the show was finished and I was left flicking around TV land trying to find something decent to watch...<br>Not much was on to be honest... Just Teen Mom.. Why do people actually make that shit respectable? If I was a chick I wouldn't have kids until I was at least 25 or 26...  
>Jersey Shore and the Hills was also on. But that's more my Mom's thing than anything... Not that her and Dad find time to watch it always struggling over their pointless domestic disputes...<p>

"Soo about the other day.." I suddenly muttered... Tweek looked at me as though I was crazy.. "No way I ain't doing that again! If I was a mortal I'd be a paraplegic after doing that!" He protested...  
>"Naah man I was just thinking about it... Damn you and me sure gave Kimye a run for their money!" I laughed, Tweek started laughing too knowing now that I wasn't making another outlandish sexual request... Well I can't help it! If I could I would...<br>"Thank god they went back to LA is all I can say... Maybe Garrison will be quiet now..." Tweek mumbled...

For the rest of the night we just sat discussing life.. Talking about what had been, what could be, what might happen...  
>I mean the future isn't set... So many things could change something...<br>There ain't no fate whatsoever. I just believe it all kind of happens; maybe God or something else wants it to happen... I know that sounds super contradictory but it's just my beliefs.. I mean what is this NBC or something?

I was sat looking out the window for a long while, suprised that town is so quiet right now...  
>It's a very unnatural sort of quiet... Mind you a quarter of the perverts in Colorado are probably at Cartman's house right now plowing a Mexican hooker...<br>I mean if I could stop him I would... But it's one of those things that one person cannnot do alone... We'd need a whole fucking army to take Cartman on...  
>He's one of those people that can manipulate really well... He can darken anyone's mind granted that they are stupid or desperate enough.. If they are both then you can lose your soul to the Fatass.. I've seen it happen numerous times; Butters being the biggest example...<p>

I mean I just don't know what to think about the whole thing... Maybe I shouldn't concentrate so much on it?  
>It's hard not to though.. I mean it's so in your face everyday it is mad...<br>I don't get how Cartman can be allowed to commit numerous crimes and just get away with it... He's been doing it for well over a few years now...  
>I mean at one point he killed every single dog in South Park when Stan and Kyle had a revenge scheme against him in the 5th grade...<br>But as usual he was just allowed to get away with it.. His perverse nature being allowed to roam free across the world... Darkening and poluting everything around it...

I mean Cartman is like a black hole; He'll suck you in and spit you back out as a blank piece of paper.. Ready to be shaped and perverted...  
>I was clever enough though to be able to work past his mind tricks, I might be quiet and slightly uncaring but I am nowhere near stupid...<br>I know for a fact I could resist Cartman's evil charms.. The shit that turns him on just doesn't turn me on I know that for a fact...

I just sat there observing the outside world... Knowing that at any minute utter chaos could be unleashed...  
>A dark murky shadow was hanging over this town; probably since it was founded over 300 years ago...<br>Greed and insurmountable corruption beyond surrealistic conception.  
>Most of that stuff could be ignored by some people... Some days I start to think I'm the only one who even notices it...<p>

Maybe I am.. Just another fool in the void of Capitalism.. Just another idiot waiting for the Promised Land that will never come...  
>I don't know.. All I know is is that this town is one of the most fucked up and dangerous places on planet earth...<br>Shame I have the unfortunate pleasure of living here like but yeah... I just feel like I gotta devote my life to something... Looking after Tweek is obviously number one...  
>Number two god I wouldn't even know where to start.. The anarchic pit that this town has turned into can really drag you down you know?<p>

I was just waiting for the right excuse I guess, the right calling card to just stand up and admit to the illusion...  
>Maybe i'm obssessed with the false concept of 'society'... Damn is there even such a thing as society any more?<br>The government abandoned everyone long ago never fucking mind South Park... And half the people in this town are too stupid, drunk or ignorant to know it...  
>About 15% of those mentioned are all three... An even smaller percentage are the people like Cartman and the sort he associates with...<br>Their number are slowly growing under his influence... I think I'm the only one who sees it all unfolding...

I just sat there by the window... All of it's curiosities and it's whimsical entities unfolding...  
>I just sat there watching my life ticking by second by second.. Well at least my mood has improved my earlier I suppose that's one good thing...<br>I just hope to god nothing crazy unfolds on Monday... That will seriously screw with my entire week...  
>But trust Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman to always make the school day interesting...<br>Fuckin' assholes they'd be exiled if there was any justice.. But hey I'm just a regular guy not a third term Senator so what are you gonna do?

I sat there staring out into the vast dark, looking at what was going by...  
>Seeing how thing were going on... Time accumulating as the minutes dragged by...<br>I just sat there examining my life, and I guess these are some of the best most intimate moments ever when you really think about it...  
>This is just the time when I'm alone with my head, I can think and not have to deal with the opinions and subjects of others...<p>

A:N/ Sorry it took me so long to write! I had to prepare for my sister's birthday!  
>What are your thoughts? Reviews, Comments, Con Crit and Ideas greatly appreciated guys :D Lots of love you guys :') xxx Sally xxx <p>


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